We both are 23 and we’ve been together 2 years, 1 year as a long distance relationship and the other one living together.
For context. He is a really introverted person, but he has some close and good friends. And this is my first relationship. I didn’t realize how lonely I would feel in comparison to him, because I only have one friend and she don’t live in my area, because i moved one year ago to live with him. I tried really hard to make some friends, but i find it impossible. I have no energy and i’m normally pretty sad. Also I have anxiety when it comes to socialising.
I’m always invited when we hangouts with his friends and i usually go, but the plan for today wasnt to my like so i stayed home. Days like these i’m sad the entire day and I get really upset and jealous. It has nothing to do with being insecure about him doing something wrong.
He knows that I get lonely, because i told him how much i envy him for having friends. I try to hide him this mood so I dont make him feel bad about it, but i can’t help it.
I always wish him to have a good time. Luckily this situation doesn’t make him unable to have a good time with them, but I’m afraid that he feels conditioned not to meet his friends without me. He’s really nice, he text me once every now and them, and calls me when he’s on the way home to see how I’ve been.
This situation makes me feel lonely and pathetic. I feel that literally dont have a life outside of my relationship. All i wanna do is to be with him.
I just want to know what I can do to not feel so lonely when I’m not with my him (sometimes I also feel this way when I’m with him). I dont want that my mood depends enterely on my boyfriend not hanging out with other people.
TL;DR: I get in a bad mood when my bf goes out with his friends while I stay at home because I have no friends. How do I make myself feel less lonely?
5 comments
What did you do with yourself before you got into a relationship?
What are your hobbies? Not all hobbies are group activities.
What do you have going on in your life? Interests? Hobbies? Anything you enjoy doing?
Friends are important, but they’re not required to leave the house or do something with your time other than sit on the couch and be sad.
The real question is: who are you? What do you care about? What brings you joy or satisfaction? What are you into?
Having a boyfriend is not a personality. You are a complete person all on your own. Your boyfriend is supposed to be another, different person who you enjoy spending time with — he’s not supposed to be your whole entire sense of self and self-worth.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult, absolutely. But it’s also hard to make friends if you’re looking for someone to define you and make you whole, to be your sole reason to get up off the couch.
You need to figure out/remember who you are. You were an autonomous person before you started dating your bf, and you still are now. You’ve just allowed yourself to grow completely dependent on him for your identity and self-worth.
You know that’s not healthy; you should also know that it will rot your relationship from the inside out. If you’re completely dependent on him, that’s more like a parent-child relationship than a romantic bond between two adults.
So start making your own plans. Go to a museum. Read a good book. Start a craft or home improvement project. Go for a walk in the park. Start volunteering. Learn a new language. Doesn’t matter what, you just need to remember who you are separate from him.
Only you can sort this out but you really need to or you will eventually lose him too. It’s one thing to say he can go out and enjoy himself but it’s another if you are obviously upset or in a mood. It makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells and is a way to control people though it sounds more like your insecurity that you recognise at least.
As others have said pick a hobby but don’t try to make friends. Let it happen rather than try to force it. I moved away and the same thing happened to me for a bit. Trying to make it happen never works. You need people you are comfortable in silence around. It sounds illogical but the harder you try to harder it is.
Xbox, pc gaming, Netflix, art, crafts, warhammer, woodwork etc are all good pass times I enjoy solo.
Volunteering can also help you find friends
If I were you, I would also go out when he does to distract yourself. Go on a walk, go to your favorite stores, get some coffee or food by yourself, go take classes or anything you’re passionate about. Not only will they distract you, you’ll be bonding with yourself, and you likely will end up talking to & meeting people through these solo activities anyway. Could be a win win.
I’m glad you recognise this is unhealthy.
There’s heaps of stuff you can do to keep yourself occupied you just need to find the right fit.
Have you had an inkling to learn something new? A craft? An activity? A sport? Join facebook groups in the area and take yourself out.
If I had more time I would join in with the local time bank group – they are pretty cool, you learn a heap of stuff and meet some nice people. I would also volunteer more for community groups and projects.
You could go for walks, join a gym, go swimming, read good books, start a garden… so many options, just have a good think and pick something.