Where I live is giving me anxiety. We have one main entrance and typically the concierge or leasing staff always speaks and calls me by name. It makes me feel like I’m obligated to speak and I’m thinking about moving out. I absolutely need my privacy and don’t like to be bothered.

I don’t know how to handle the situation.

I really am starting to dread where I live. In our lobby is basically only one main entrance and exit and it’s typically a concierge person or the front desk staff a.k.a. management sitting there. I’d like to come and go freely without interaction with anyone. I feel like it’s them being nosy or violating my personal space and privacy. I don’t always want people to speak to me because then it feels like I’m obligated to speak back. Even a hey how are you or how is it going or “hi” and then calling my name really bothers me. And then there you are calling me by my name out loud and I’m like what if I don’t want other people who are residents here to know my name. It feels violating to me.

I don’t want to feel like someone is monitoring when I come in and leave my apartment building. I hate how approachable people think I am.

Case in point :

I was at the grocery store tonight and this black woman asked me if I ever tried a certain product before…like I’m there shopping just like you why are you speaking to me just because I’m another black woman? Why did you ask all these white people that question and why can’t you use Google? And it’s stupid because OK what I like it may not be what you like I mean honestly just buy the product and if you don’t like it just simply return it or take your loss why are you approaching me? I hate that so much.

Tonight also I walked back in the lobby of the apartment building and there’s this security guard on the phone (on A hands-free device I assume) talking but I thought he was saying hello to me so I say hello back and it seem like he just gave me this dumb look in return. I hate that honestly. I don’t want to be friendly to anyone because people won’t reciprocate or they feel like they are better than me and I hate that.

I really hate all this and honestly I’m not feeling comfortable here I don’t know what to do. We have a parking garage where I might be able to open the gate to leave to avoid people but I don’t always want to have to do that because it’s inconvenient. I just cannot stand interaction with people like this especially where I live.

One day I went and got food nearby and when I walked back in the building the management team manager was in the lobby and said Out loud in all bubbly “oh wow…ouuuuu…Chick-fil-A!” as to acknowledge what I had purchased or where I had been… I thought it was weird like why do you need to say it out loud what you see? Just shut up and mind your business. To me that’s so fake and it’s not a way to connect with me at all it’s just annoying more than anything and intrusive.

And so now if I have to go get food nearby I take an unmarked bag with me And put my food inside so no one will see what I have purchased. I don’t want someone making a mental note or saying out loud what I have purchased because quite frankly it’s none of their fucking business.

I just can’t stand people prying and watching me and asking me personal questions but also speaking to me when I don’t necessarily want to be bothered. I don’t know how to handle this but I really wish people would leave me alone.

I need to train myself more to not speak to people as well. I feel like people take advantage of me. If tonight at the grocery store what appeared to be a crazy homeless person asked me if I ever tried something my gut would be not to respond at all but I guess I was caught off guard and responded to this woman. I simply told her no but the fact that she even felt that she could speak to me bothers me.

I just hate people in general to be honest with you.

I really want to go ahead and buy a house because it’s to the point where I absolutely can’t stand seeing people so much. Concierge people in apartment managers there are very nosy. they spy on residents and keep Deets on you and I can’t stand it. I wish I would not have responded to that woman tonight. I should have let her look stupid and act like I didn’t hear her. I hate myself so much for this. I don’t know why I even said hello to that security guy tonight when he wasn’t even speaking to me. I hate all of this so much.