Sorry if some parts are not clear and if I go on small tangents, this is my first reddit post on this type of topic. Some Background info: My girlfriend (F24) and I (M21) have known each other since January of 2020, but started dating in August of 2021. We are both in college, she is now a first year masters student and I am senior (also planning to do a masters). I have really strict parents which are “ruining” relation ship, but more on that in a bit. Not really sure on how to start this, but here I go.
“History” of me and my parents relationship. They are the stereotypical strict Indian parent that forces their kids to become the top student. I was really smart up until the end of high school, tests were really easy for me, had a 3.9 gpa, never partied or anything like that. But at the same time I was never allowed to go hangout with my friends, couldn’t even go to any of the proms or homecomings. My 4 close friends always kept asking me to hangout and stuff, but my parents always said no aside from, movies, birthday parties, or basketball. Everything else was a no go tho. As a result I became really introverted and gave up at one point. I get accused of having no hobbies from my parents, but apparently working on my car or playing sports doesn’t count. I want to collect stuff, collect Lego sets, but I cant do that in this house. And they wonder why I don’t talk at family gathering or to them. I am burnt out, my grades in college are shitty, pretty sure I have ADHD (its video games fault of course), and not even sure if i will ever get into dental school or even the master program. I cant even get a break when I am 15 minutes late getting home now since i commute to college and back. I get interrogated like i committed mass murder or something. I know I am not the nest son, but i try my best to stay out of trouble, I used to lie a lot as a kid but I was deeply afraid of my parents. I know my dad has no respect for me, so I have kinda given up on that relationship. I have never had someone that asks me how my day has been or how I am doing (outside of my gf). I cant even vent to some of my friends cuz they follow through. I’ve been alone my entire life, and no one gave a shit. I’ve bottled up everything and I’m afraid it will be released on someone I love one day. I keep struggling everyday, can think straight, I just need help. I know some of yall are gonna say that your a 21 year old male, get yourself together and move out, but that’s easier said than done. I have applied to many job, btu got rejected by all besides amazon (I stopped when school started up last year). My damn 16 year old neighbor got a damn job to the same place that I applied to, and I have a lot more experience than him. I have also applied to about 10 jobs on/near my college campus, but no luck. I just don’t know what to do and it has greatly impacted me and my gf’s relationship. (Also try not to pity me to much, try to read this without much bias from what I said so far, but take it into account, if that makes sense 🙂 )
Up until half way through this past September, I thought our relationship was going fairly smooth aside from one bad patch in which we nearly broke up. We almost broke up because she did not really believe that we could continue our relationship when my parents don’t like her, but I begged her to stay because I felt like we could make it work. I knew it was gonna take a while for it to happen but it will one day. In that month leading up to that near break up, she became more distant, so I tried to put more effort in my part. I asked her why and she said “I wanted it to slowly die off so it wouldn’t hurt you as much.” We kept on talking through the summer. I tried to ft her as much as I could and be there for her as much as someone can be. Toward the end if this June I noticed she became much sadder/gloomy. I just brushed it off and said she will become better once school starts. That didn’t really happen. Instead, whenever I am with her she not as joyful, but she is with other people. She is always happy around her collogues and her brother/cousin (not blood related but family friend I guess?, but lets call him BOB) She doesn’t want to do stuff with me during the school week, instead during the weekend “like a normal couple”. Which is completely understandable, because that’s what most people would want, but unfortunately I cant even give her that.
Recently, as of a month or so; out of nowhere, all these random guys start hitting on her. At first it I was fine with it, because we have an ongoing joke argument on who is more attractive and I just kept teasing her about it. But then it got to point where she said “I don’t know why but I like the attention that I am getting, and I Know its wrong”. I got kinds upset and sad.
Also, quick side note: me and my gf talked about things we consider cheating and one of those this was entertaining other guys/girls after they compliment us. Meaning not saying thanks, but in my gf’s word “ahaha, totally not blushing” Then the next day she said those exact words words to a guy. I got pissed off, and said so you basically cheated on me and she didn’t want to admit but she knew she was in the wrong and she blocked him without me asking. However the other guys that hit on her she has blocked on Instagram, but not tik tok cuz she like the videos they make. She hasn’t got a dm since and I know she wouldn’t lie to me because I can just go check her phone rn if I wanted to.
Now I want to talk about the stuff that my gf has brought up (I agree with most of what she says). She says she is getting bored because we basically are like a long distance relationship, meaning that I can never come over to her house or hangout, outside of school, which is true. She said that she doesn’t feel as loved anymore and feel like a second option (I personally disagree because I give her as much attention as possibly, answering her text within a min, even when driving or in class, whereas she takes forever now, but back to her). She wants to go on a proper date where I pick her up from her house and takes care of her. She wants to be babied and loved (she has recently began to feel like she is not being loved). in the first 8ish months of our relationship she felt like baby, loved, and submissive. like she had always had her guard down, btu now she doesn’t cuz of my parents intervention. She doesn’t believe that I will come to help her if she is in trouble, I don’t know how to convince her that I will come and that I don’t care about what parents say (I’m not her first option in that scenario). She is upset that all of her friends can hang out freely but I cant (100% understandable). She is starting to vent to her friends more than she is to me, especially BOB. I don’t have any jealousy to BOB. I’m always trying to get her to vent to me but its always after her friends now. She says that she is starting to feel lonely now. I believe that her body has given up on me, but her mind hasn’t ( if that makes sense). her pupils don’t dilate anymore, mine still do, she not as excited when she is around me. And she said she if afraid of her body’s behavior getting to her mind and then she wakes up one day and says fuck it I’m done with this.
I also want to talk about her environment, she has also grown up in a very toxic household, mainly her mother which causes most of her problems/ stress. But every since she has turned 24, she has gotten a lot push from her family and close friends to go explore and go on dates, while she is with me which absolutely shattered me. at the same time my parents don’t like her but still it tore me apart. She has always shut down her these topics with her fam. But what hurt the most was when her grandma said Infront of BOB is “if your not married by a certain age just marry BOB”. BOB was shocked and my gf told her grandma to stfu. My gf, has started to wear a lot more makeup and go out more which I am happy for her, and I 100% believe she will never cheat on me, despite some of the stuff I said earlier or from the pressure from her family. It just hurts so much that this is happening, and I understand I wouldn’t want me daughter to get “stuck” with someone that cant even hang out with her outside of school or take her on dates. It is painful for anyone to go through this. I want to marry this girl, but I cant cuz I got no job, no degree, nothing. my gf does too but she wants my parents to accept her.
somewhat mini update: My gf went to go eat dinner with her Cousin (not Bob, but her actual cousin) and then like 15 minutes a guys from she knew from elementary school was there too and he joined them. 30-40 minutes in her cousin left because her mom fell down the stair and also she was kinda done with my gf and this guy talking. She hasn’t talked to this guy since 4th grade or so, and apparently he was the only one that didn’t bully her when she was young. he would try always be nice to her and try to counteract all the bullies. From the looks of it, they talked for about 2 hours or so, not sure but I will ask my gf more about what happened tomorrow. He complimented her a lot, saying your very pretty, your eyes are very pretty, I like your make a lot. Then he paid for her dinner and desert. then he dropped her off to her car. She didn’t do anything with him because my gf’s makeup is still exactly the same because I ft her before she went to the dinner and after. Then later on in the night we ft again she told me about what the guy said but nothing more, I didn’t really want to talk about it at that time, but I will tomorrow or on Monday in school. Then after she was done talking about him we talked for a bit and then she got depressed because she asked if I can come over to her family event. I asked what time and she said from 8am – 11am and then same day 5pm – 10 pm. I said I definitely cant make in the morning, but I can in the evening. I didn’t hear her say why cant you. so she started crying and saying I would make it to your event at both times, and then we ended the call shortly after. I asked her why didn’t you ask why I couldn’t make it to the morning event, then she told me she didn’t, but I didn’t hear her I guess. the reason why is because my dad’s Semi is having problems so we have to try and fix it, we ordered a very expensive part so I have to help him. I still haven’t told her because we stopped talking before I could answer. We said goodnight, to each other, btu she didn’t say I love you back. So I ft and ask her why she didn’t, and she sad I am not sure if I do, and that you have to let me process my emotions. I didn’t know how to respond beside crying (Before my gf, I had not cried since 2014-2015 ish, so all these bottled up emotions are coming out now.)
I would like to say again, please try to read this objectively, I know it is hard. I tried to remain as unbiased as I can. Please don’t say bad things about my gf. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, but my parents have made it hell, and it isn’t helping that we are currently struggling and almost at the tipping point in our relationship. I just need a place to vent and express my feelings that have been building up inside of me. I know some of you guys will be confused in some areas, and I will try to respond to all questions. Please let me know if you guys got any advice
TL;DR :
My relationship is at a tipping point, and it started from my parents not accepting my gf, and overtime my gf has gotten bored of our relationship. I feel as if it is my fault and I am causing her this pain.