Gut says I [28F] should break up but I’m not sure? No real red flags

I’ve \[28F\] been with my bf \[29M\] for 2 and a half years now and we recently moved in together. I’ve basically doubted the relationship the entire time but I’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t full of doubts. Like, I’ve never been in one and “knew” I would spend forever with them. Instead, I always “knew” the relationships I was in had an expiration date.

Background on me, I’m basically fearful avoidant. Scared of losing my independence or settling down with the “wrong” person. Even though, I do want to settle down and have someone (the fearful side).

Basically, we got together during covid. I was lonely and it was nice. At first, we had fun together and got along well enough and that was all that mattered. I thought he was immature and only cared about video games though and that wasn’t that attractive to me. I also didn’t like his politics and thought he lacked empathy.

But, I stayed with him through winter to not be alone and during that time, when I took the pressure off of deciding if he was “the one” or not, I was happy. We had fun together. Everything was easy. I realized he was mature in ways that mattered (during conflict resolution etc.) so maybe his immaturity in other ways wasn’t a big deal. Even though I thought he lacked empathy, I noticed he is socially aware and respectful and considerate of others in his life, so maybe I was just being too uptight and serious and needed to learn to relax and have fun like him. And now, I’m just confused. We recently moved in together so I could get clarity, but I still feel a bit confused.

In a lot of ways, he’s everyone’s dream guy. He is flexible, patient, understanding. He loves and accepts me for who I am. We have similar thought processes and lifestyles and life goals. He never gets mad or jealous etc. He’s loyal and stable and secure, good with money. He’s extremely secure in himself and thus lets me do my own thing and supports it. He respects me, communicates in healthy ways, he helps out with chores, etc. He’s always in a good mood and laughing and joking around. He is respectful and considerate of others.

This is the first relationship I realize I could see a future with him. Not because I am so in love with him, but because logistically, he didn’t require me to change or give up my independence for him. I don’t have to change or be smothered. He requires very little from me to be happy. And that’s what makes me happy being with him.

And yet, the same thing that makes him such a patient, flexible, calm under pressure etc partner that I want and need is the same thing that also makes him… cold, hard to relate to, hard to connect with, etc. He’s very laid back and emotionally unphased by things. I don’t feel like he even cares about me that much. He doesn’t have much emotional depth at all. He’s just happy-go-lucky 24/7 and I find that hard to connect to or care about. I just don’t care about him enough or feel like our lives are all that connected.

Also, our approach to life is very different and it frustrates me at times. I prioritize chores and responsibilities and my goal in life is to be the best me possible and to keep growing. I’m a pretty serious, organized type person and he is extremely laid back and lives in the moment only. He prioritizes fun and happiness. His goal is to just be happy. And if that means playing videos games all day every day, that is what he will do.

Our relationship was perfect before we moved in together. Everything was fun and easy when we were together and we were there if we needed each other but we both had our own space and lives separate from each other. Now that we live together, I feel annoyed at his little habits or annoyed that I basically have to compromise for him now. Every time a little thing comes up that we need to work through, instead of talking or working through it, I immediately think of it as evidence or a reason to break up. I just don’t care. If I have to compromise at all or put in effort, it no longer seems worth it to me and I get annoyed. I know this is obviously unhealthy and unrealistic, but is it a sign that he’s not the right one for me?

I feel like I “have” to break up with him. I’ve always felt like I had to, but I could never pull the trigger because I’m terrified. He gets confused too bc, my life is better with him in it. He teaches me to relax, enjoy life and to have fun and not be so serious all the time. With him, I feel more active and productive and less depressed or lonely, etc. I feel more confident and stable knowing that whatever happens, at least I have him. But, is it worth it? Yes, we are compatible in so many ways, but I just don’t care about him enough and I want to feel something for my life partner. I feel numb and cold.

I think about breaking up, not because my life would be better without him (I know for a fact it would be worse without him, I get depressed when I feel alone, he is my support system etc), but because I keep thinking I could be happier with someone else. I don’t like how selfish and cold and demanding I can be with him. A lifetime is a long time and I have high standards for someone I’m going to commit to for life. I just have no guarantee of ever finding that.

My ideal partner: – honest/direct, loyal, smart, stable, consistent, secure in himself and has his own life and own goals, logically minded but has empathy (or can be more emotional as long as he’s secure in himself and admires my logical approach and doesn’t find it cold), caring, patient, calm, understanding, patient, conventionally attractive, healthy conflict resolution. Independent and supports my own independence. Accepts me for me, respects me. Willing to compromise for me and vice versa. Smart with money, clean, organized. Mature, serious about his career. Shares at least one interest of mine. Has a similar lifestyle to mine. Intellectually stimulating, we can have fun together, sexual chemistry, emotional connection. Someone I want to give for and grow with, not just be complacent with. Someone who also has goals and wants to grow with me and not be complacent.

My current partner has the majority of that. But he lacks some. And I don’t know if no deep emotional connection is worth giving up on, for example.

Is my list too long or unrealistic? What if I am incapable of loving anyone bc I get annoyed at everyone’s flaws? What if I find nobody is worth compromising for? What if I’m being entitled and will never find what I’m looking for because I’m being too picky? How can the kind of man I want to date want to date me knowing how selfish and rigid I am? What if I date only to realize years later that my bf is the best I ever had? What if I spiral into depression again when I’m alone? I’m terrified of ending it and realizing too late that it was a huge mistake.

Also, I feel confident in my plan to end it, but then I talk to other people and get really confused. Some ppl say if they accept you for who you are, what more could you want? Lots of my friends complain about their partners not doing chores or pulling their weight around the house or being clean enough or whatever else and yet they don’t immediately jump to thinking about breaking up like I do. My therapist keeps saying is 85% of what I want enough of a match for me? And I say no, anything less than 100% isn’t worth it, but she says 100% doesn’t exist. I told her I at least need a deep emotional connection if I’m going to overlook or be willing to work through things with someone. Me and bf have fun together and get along seamlessly but I don’t feel any type of deeper romantic connection anymore or possibly ever.

Tl;dr: Not sure if I should break up with my bf or stay with him. My gut says to break up and find someone that’s a better match for me. But I’m terrified that I’m not being realistic and that my expectations are too high and that I will never find someone worth settling down with even though I really do want to settle down (and I’m not getting any younger).