Hi there, just to preface I am a girl and have a preference for being the dominant in the bedroom (although I am a switch). When I first got with my boyfriend, it was with the understanding that he liked that and was eager to sub for me.
He also equally liked domming, so I would sub for him as well. However, eventually he became more pushy about him domming, to the point where I now rarely get to dom at all and when I do he seems completely uninterested and not into it. I asked him what happened and all he said was “I don’t see you in that way anymore”. He always says he’ll do better and never does.
I’m feeling really hurt and confused. I’m trying not to let it get in the way but the more he flirts / tries to initiate now, the ickier i feel about it. I think I’m losing physical attraction to him. I really hate what’s happening and I don’t want to lose this relationship over it.
Any advice?
7 comments
Is he naturally submissive outside of the bedroom? He honestly might be feeling humiliated and embarrassed with himself. You could have done something that turned him off from that aspect of it and he’s too afraid to tell you. It takes a lot for a man to be submissive. He also might just want peace and quiet when it comes to sex now.
Sometimes things change and a sexual incompatibility arises. This sounds like one. A very common one is one partner’s libido takes a big extended drop.
It sounds like this is becoming a dealbreaker for you.
Good luck
People do change some of their sexual preferences over time. We hear it numerous times here where both men and women stop giving oral to their partner. Sadly, your guy has changed his sexual preference re domming. It sucks. And it is confusing to you. But you got it right from the source.
It sounds harsh but I can’t see any salvaging this relationship. Over time he has realised his sexual preferences and unfortunately you are not compatible anymore. Sorry OP
I once saw an interview with a dominatrix where she said that it’s impossible for her to dominate or be dominated by her partner because once you get to know someone on a personal level then you see each other as peers and equals. And once you see someone as an equal than it’s almost impossible to be dominated by them.
Kind of like when a small guy at the bar tries to act like a tough guy, and everybody else just rolls their eyes and pats him on the head. He might just know you so well at this point that when you try to act like the dominant one it might just look fake to him because he knows you’re not really that person.
People go through seasons. It’s not always going to be one way
> He always says he’ll do better and never does
When someone promises one thing but their actions never back then up, their actions are speaking louder than their words.
This, in turn, requires you to be blunt and instead of passively asking for what you want, you basically say “next time we have sex, I want to dom.” He, of course, can say “no” — we all have that right — but the goal here is to see whether he’s capable of showing up for you in the way you want.
If he’s not interested/capable — and again, that’s his right — then he’s gifted you with clarity, meaning, you now have valuable information on what he is and is not capable of as a sexual partner. Therefore, based on that gift of clarity, you get to decide *what do you want to do* going forward. Is he worth the “price of admission” to stay with him under these conditions? If not, then he should be made aware that your price of admission requires more flexibility on his end. If neither of you are willing to pay that price? That’s an irreconcilable difference.