Hey guys,
I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months and have fallen hard for her.
We have lots in common, seemingly great natural chemistry, and the sex is incredible.
When we last saw each other, though, she blindsided me by apologising for being distant (which I hadn’t noticed) and then said she wasn’t sure if we had an emotional connection. This is after about 15 dates, including numerous sleepovers and an overnight trip away.
She isn’t sure if this is a ‘chicken or the egg’ situation where the connection is meant to develop naturally or instead flourishes when two people really commit to a relationship.
Obviously I was really rattled by this because I shared none of the same concerns.
We had passionate sex after that conversation and were pretty ‘lovey-dovey’ the next morning with lots of kissing and cuddling.
When I got home later that morning, she texted me to say she hoped she hadn’t unsettled me and that it was a moment for us both to reflect on what we need and what we can offer each other and see how those things line up. Later in the exchange she said it was a good time to see if we were both moving towards something we feel good and confident about.
She suggested I come over to her place and watch a movie the following week and we can talk about “how we’re both travelling”.
In the five days that have elapsed since then her texting habits seem to have changed. It was fine at first, with the usual enthusiasm and questions. But in the last couple of days, while the frequency of messages is the same, she’s pretty much stopped trying to hold up the flow in the conversation, asking no follow-up questions.
I’m seeing her tomorrow and am terrified it will be our last time together.
I guess I just wanted to put this out there to see if anyone had any advice/clarity/reality checks to offer me. Am I overthinking things or should I trust my gut and prepare for the worst?
I can’t stop thinking about this and it’s made me realise I have an anxious attachment style.
31 comments
She’s pulling away- perhaps because she doesn’t want to spend Xmas with you or have to buy you a. Gift. Or maybe there is someone else she’s interested in. Or maybe she just wants to be single
Short relationships like this end suddenly all the time, as there is much less at stake. Be prepared she may be moving on. That said, it may be something you guys can work out, but if you are 3 months in, and you are already at a stage where you have to work things out, maybe it is time for you to move on too.
I would have an open and honest conversation with her. Sometimes, people get stressed around the holidays and she may be going through something you’re completely unaware of.
I know when I get stressed, I tend to push everyone away.
“how we’re both traveling”?? What?
Basically she might want to see other people during this time??
She was warning you that she isn’t developing feelings for you. She probably wanted to give it a bit more time to know for sure, but it sounds like she’s figured it out. Pulling away means she’s already checking out.
U need to take her power away + act cool towards her, she’s currently checking out of the relationship
I’m sorry but you might want to brace yourself. Three months is a bit of a watershed moment in relationships. It is the time when people usually start deciding if they are in it or out. It’s normal, it happens but it does hurt.
Take it in stride and good luck
Jesus fucking christ imagine dating back in the day when you could only choose people from the village next door, things must have been way easier.
Anyway OP time to start packing your bags, she’s about to leave. If deeper conversation about ‘our connection’ comes up be totally checked out, like you give zero fucks. I mean give literal monosyllabic answers and don’t engage with anything she says.
You also want to start not hanging out with her anymore, or if you are, making it really obvious you’re not paying attention to her and can’t wait to leave. I wouldn’t have sex with her either, if I were you, but if you want one last smash for posterity who can blame you really.
Remember people start looking for the next best thing once they’ve taken you for granted; the only things that can improve this are (1) get way hotter in an extremely short space of time (not possible) and (2) pull away, making them risk losing you, increasing the potential ‘downside’ of things not working out with the new guy she has inevitably lined up.
Maybe shes just as confused about the relationship and basing her reactions off of what your responses are. Communications key and if you dont Express your feelings you’ll likely never know for sure. If you like her enough, try to talk about it.
Sometimes less is more, and we need some distance to create desire: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I think you need to slow down, but trust the foundation you’ve both built. If it’s meant to last, it will.
She might be perfect for you, but you may not be perfect for her.
I’m assuming you’re young, and given I’ve fallen for someone and not had those feelings reciprocated as a young bloke, let me give you some advice.
If this relationship doesn’t work out (and let’s be honest, it looks like it won’t), don’t mope and be miserable. Being rejected is part of relationships. From the relationships you have that don’t work out, you’ll build a pretty good picture of the type of person you’re looking for. This one isn’t THE one.
Try to stay cool, calm, and collective when you go over there. You got this dude and she invited you over. Don’t focus on the negative or you’ll only see the bad. Look at the good!
Man wow I would’ve thought this was a woman writing this how emotional yu are dude good grief
Yeah the best thing to do is just try ti ask if her if she wants to move forward. Also ask what dies she want or need from you right now? And tell her what you hope for right now? And ask if she does want a deeper connection , how can you help to deepen yall connection bc ur happy to do so however u can because u sound like u def want to continue one way or another
If you aren’t certain about where this is going and your girlfriend is both hot and cold to you than this is a relationship that will not have a long longevity. I think you need to prepare yourself for this to end and you should not be upset. It’s ok. We all have heartache. It’s part of growing up. You should find someone who is 100% committed.
As with most things, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I think you’re fine dude. My ex travelled to France(for a month) within our third week of dating and again to South America (6 weeks) within the first 9 months. All pre planned. She called or texted me throughout both trips when she could and all was fine. I knew I liked her, but I wasn’t going to fuck up her trips. We got married and had a long marriage. Don’t overthink it. If she likes you, she likes you
My gut and prior experience tell me this is a sign that the end is near. Time to start getting on the dating apps and finding some new dates.
Basically, the casual part of the relationship is ending and she’s recently asked herself if she can see herself marrying you. That or another guy has come along. Doesn’t really matter which.
I would say, go to her place. Be prepared for her to break up, or ask for “space” (which will 100% confirm there is another guy she wants to try out). Don’t address this “other guy” thing as it will just lead to her calling you “insecure”. Play it cool, but understand that that is what “space” or “taking a break” means.
But maybe you guys talk and it turns out she actually does want to move things in a more serious direction. This is a possibility. Her texting habits would suggest the opposite, but you never know. Try not to worry too much. Just expect the worst but hope for the best.
Godspeed!
Looks to be a transition point.
She’s analyzing something deeper like emotional needs while you’re still caught up in the lust it seems. Since you were “rattled” by this.
Reality check is you need to calm right down and talk with her like an adult about wants and needs.
This isn’t a bad thing.
Sorry but she definitely has someone else in sight.
You have a lot of sex. Sex sex sex seeex. You enjoy the sex sex sex. She enjoys the sex sex sex… You flirt flirt and have sex sex.
Are you witty, do you care about stuff, do you show her things she has never seen? Do you spark ideas in her mind? Does she grow as a person and grow with you? Do you inspire her to be curious? Do you both roll with laugher together? Manifest inside jokes that you prod eachother with? Does she feel challenged by you in a good way? Does she look up to you as the man she would want her son to one day idolize…
I don’t know you, but your description sounds like a 16 year old getting laid for the first time and is infatuated. I know this isn’t the case, but chemistry between to people just fizzles out unless you add more catalyst to the mix.
Stop fucking and start getting uncomfortable. Take her somewhere cool. Do SOMETHING. You’re dick can’t fix every problem, I know because there was once a time I thought mine could as well.
Was told exactly the same thing and you guessed it, it ended a month later. Did it hurt ? Yes. But ultimetly it was good for me. Motivated me to become better and less needy with women. Sorry op but it s most likely she s telling you this so you can prepare yourself to have your heart broken. And after that happens, go no contact. You ll eventually move on
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it’s cause it is
I would remain absolutely calm and collected in this situation. Don’t be afraid to say what you need to say. I.E. when all is said and done you have no regrets. But do not do anything or say anything you feel that in the slightest you may regret later on. You don’t want to come across as clingy when deep down inside you’re fighting for a relationship. Which btw you shouldn’t really have to fight for. It’s better to say nothing than something that doesn’t help or further the situation. Plus I’m sure she is already mostly aware of your feelings towards her. Anything you haven’t stated, depending on how you want to approach it, feel free to state. But that time may have passed unfortunately.
I recently went through something similar to what you are going through. I think you need to ask yourself, if a relationship is progressing naturally and everything is fine. Why would you yourself pull out all of a sudden ? There’s been no arguing, no fighting, almost always on the same page. Why would you yourself leave ? Even if you’re going through stuff and are a bit scared of getting into a relationship. Would you yourself genuinely walk away from someone you had a special connection with just for space ? And if you did how long would you wait until you return ? I know if I was with someone I genuinely had a strong connection with I wouldn’t. I’d lock them down or say hey let’s take it slow.
All of this is a tough pill to swallow and it’s hard to believe the one you’ve fallen for could be thinking of backing out. Maybe they are, maybe they’re not. But in my experience those conversations are only brought up as a way into easing into a break up which they feel guilty over because they know they behaved in a way that’s not okay and have gone too far and cannot back pedal but don’t want to lose the person.
If this doesn’t work out, all I can say is. Don’t take it personally. You will at first, but remember you are not the problem. If you were, they wouldn’t have gone this far with you. In fact you wouldn’t have survived past the first date.
Women are always looking to upgrade. They’re never loyal.
Hey OP can you please update us?!
Dude, my guess is she just wants to know where tf this is going. Three months and 15 dates us enough time for you to initiate a “what are we and where are we going” talk, let alone talks of exclusivity and official titles. Since it seems like you haven’t, she might just be frustrated and ready to have it or move on, which can often produce this sort of retraction in participation of it happening. That’s my guess.
So think about it. What do you want? Why haven’t you two talked about it yet? Is commitment on the table?
There’s another guy in the picture. She may or may not already be hooking up with him. Women these days only start distancing themselves like this when they have another option available.
The simplest explanation is usually the correct explanation.
Yeah… you can obviously discuss what your needs are and what hers are and where there are gaps, but she seems somewhat disconnected.
I’ve had the exact same thing with a guy I was seeing, I really don’t know what to say other than I’m dumbfounded and confused too, know that you’re not alone and hopefully it’s a learning curve, you did everything you could and you’re behaving maturely. Good luck.
I’d say trust your gut but make sure not to overthink, prepare for the worst, hope for the best (the guy I was seeing tried to ghost me and eventually broke it off when I told him I needed closure, apparently he wants to focus on career but doesn’t have a job but maybe everything will turn out to be fine for you.)
Try not overthink, she may have taken time to think and realized you’re a good option as well.
Sounds like you’ve committed the mortal sin of being invested. It’s like wearing skunk perfume, my man.
I hate to say this, but I’d absolutely get your head out of this and and accept she’s pulling away and that it literally has nothing to do with her face value excuse. The absolute worse thing you can do is try to squeeze harder or meet her stated expectations of imagined emotional connection – I’d bet my life’s savings she is going to continue to push/pull and eventually grenade this.
Don’t keep feeding that death spiral with more talk, cuddles, and validation. That will not reverse the death spiral. Disconnect emotionally now, and match her shitty energy….watch and see. Watch and see.