I tutor languages on the side and started tutoring this pretty high profile businessman a while ago (I’m not connected to an agency in any way). We always met in public places and immediately got along really well. Fast forward 6 months, lots of subtle flirting and often going off topic and talking about our personal lives.
Eventually he admitted his feelings (of course the student teacher thing stopped thereafter and we spoke about how this is a really odd combination). I declared that I felt the same but that there are a 100 reasons why we cant be together. In short, I will be moving to another continent in less than 5 months, I don’t want to settle anytime soon, my family and community are extremely racist (I’m white he’s black and interracial couples are NOT a thing here) our age difference wil pose problems and he has 2 kids. Although he doesn’t see the age, race or kids as an issue, apparently normal in his culture.
We decided to still see each other, regardless of eventual heartbreak when I leave (he understood my reasons and respects that I want to keep a low profile). We’ve been seeing each other for a month or two now.
My sexual experience was very limited beforehand but we’ve now done basically everything besides penetration. I told him I’m not ready. He said he’ll never try to convince me and he’ll only believe I’ve really thought about it if I bring the condoms. He has also refused to cum multiple times because I havent yet. Most recently he brought a sex toy which didnt really help but I appreciated the effort. It is however becoming increasingly difficult to control emotions and I feel like I either have to stop all together or go all the way because inbetween is just frustrating (mostly for him though).
Now, I am really attracted to this man but my reasons for not wanting to do it: 1. Even though I’m 100% convinced he is a good man and would marry me tomorrow if he could, I know I’m young and naive and many have fallen in a similar trap so I’m still cautious of being used. 2. I’m afraid of the emotional connection that comes with sex, especially your first, I don’t want my heart to be ripped out once I leave 3. I have some pelvic issues and even tampons or a finger hurts most of the time so I’m scared. 4. I’ve assumed I’d wait for marriage my whole life and am afraid I regret not doing so later (which is cool if you dont get that)
I don’t really know what advice I’m expecting to receive because this is a pretty complex situation but I’m here because I can’t really talk to any friends or family (enter the racism) and would love to just get someone’s opinion.
12 comments
M65. You are wise beyond your years. I agree with your analysis. I strongly disagree with waiting until marriage to have PIV. It’s *critical* to find out if your partner is sexually compatible before you commit. I can’t stress this enough.
You have a bright future. You’re making good decisions IMO, aside from the PIV marriage thing. You’re on track for a great life. That makes me very happy.
A 40 years old male shouldn’t be interested in a 20 years old woman, massive red flag to me if he is. I wouldnt have sex with someone who has any interest in people who are barely adult.
Some people are going to say the age gap is a problem. But tbh you seem like your level headed and you cannot control who you your attracted too. Now if your feeling it go for it but like you said your afraid than don’t. Only do this if your 100% want it otherwise you feel like you regret it.
I think he may be trying to take advantage of you and I think you are young and naïve to think he would marry you he could probably care less regardless of what he says. Its your choice really it can be a good experience but like you said you are probably head over heels with this guy that probably doesn’t love you (even if he says he does) that you will be leaving anyway.
Is he French? If you ever vacation in the South of France, you’ll see these guys in their 50’s/60’s walking arm-in-arm with these YOUNG girls, who are like 18-20…or maybe even 17 (because age of consent is 15 years old). Seeing them together, locking lips, kind of weirded me out, because I thought that was their daughter(s), but then…..realized it was not.
Anyway….I’ve since learned that in France, when you are “young” you have “much to learn” about how to be treated as a woman, and that finding a good suitor who is older is considered like finding a nice expensive aged wine, or high end cuisine. Everybody liked pizza….because, it’s GOOD. But if you want to refine your palate you should eat caviar and calamari….that’s the idea. So the arrangement is considered mutually beneficial….young women seek out older men and older men sometimes date very young women, not for marriage per se, but because it is mutually beneficial….the old guys get to feel young again, and the young ladies get to learn about life, sex, culture, etc. by a guy who knows what’s up.
So….you are over 18, which makes you an adult. You get to choose whatever you want in life, for yourself. If you feel like you can learn a lot from this guy, then, learn a lot from him. Is it love, marriage, kids, a life together? Probably not….but, really, you can do whatever TF you want. The world is a big place, and you may feel judged in America for being with him, but if he’s super rich, then just take trips to France where you can sip wine and French kiss in public on the promenade where your yacht is parked.
You have mentioned many legitimate reasons not to start a sexual relationship with this man. You will be moving far away in 5 months. In your case, you would lose your virginity. It is a bad idea for numerous reasons and you know it.
You will regret losing your V card. You’re living in the moment now but after the act, you will regret it. It’s much better losing your V card from a special boyfriend than someone you’ll never see again
Virginity is no big deal. It’s a social construct and a pretty sexist one at that. You could do a lot worse than to lose it with a man you’re attracted to on a more than physical level. It might make for a beautiful memory — or it could go less than great but you’d still be with a partner who sounds kind, respectful and understanding from your description. No one in your home country or community needs to know.
I wonder if most people would be so against this if it was a 40 year old woman and a 20 year old guy?
Someday you’ll have to explain why you slept with a 40 year old man when you were 20 to your future husband (and yeah, in marriage NOTHING can be kept secret, no matter what anyone will tell you, it always comes out).
So my vote is hell no. You already have an idea about waiting for marriage, if you’re that type of person it’s going to not only bother you but again, your husband will likely be a similar person with similar values and mindsets and it will probably drive him nuts and be a wedge between you that never needed to happen Actions have consequences.
You’ve made a rational decision that you want to lose it to some who knows what he’s doing, will value you and not shoot off his mouth to impress his friends. That’s understandable and I hope everything works out well.
> 1. Even though I’m 100% convinced he is a good man and would marry me tomorrow if he could, I know I’m young and naive and many have fallen in a similar trap so I’m still cautious of being used.
That is not impossible — seriously unlikely, but not impossible. I have never heard a woman say, “Oh, he seemed like a real shitbag, and then, he was.” It takes someone who seems like a good guy to really hurt you.
But here is the thing: it’s already happened. The bomb has already gone off. If it turns out he has a wife and three other girlfriends, the fact that you didn’t go all the way will be very cold comfort.
> 2. I’m afraid of the emotional connection that comes with sex, especially your first, I don’t want my heart to be ripped out once I leave
Again, that is not a problem you will avoid by avoiding coitus. You are already emotionally connected with him and no matter what you do or do not do with your genitals, the separation is going to be excruciating.
> 3. I have some pelvic issues and even tampons or a finger hurts most of the time so I’m scared.
That’s a legitimate fear, but I am betting it is way down your real list. Plus, you only fear pain until it happens. Once it’s over, you forget it.
> 4. I’ve assumed I’d wait for marriage my whole life and am afraid I regret not doing so later (which is cool if you dont get that)
Mmmmm, definitely sleep with the man you think you are going to marry before you marry him. Does he really have to be the first? That’s a romantic idea, but it conflicts with _this_ romantic idea.