Hi all,
I actually posted a long time (5+ years) ago on this forum about improving my social skills.
And honestly, I’ve been able to improve myself to a level I didn’t know was possible. The first part of this post might sound braggy but I’m just proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish.
5 years ago, I was an extremely socially awkward, shy, nerd with no friends and my entire personality revolved around academia and video games. I was overweight and had no sense of self grooming, wore oversized black tshirts and baggy jeans.
In contrast, now I am completely different to who I used to be. I became fit and strong, joined the gym and play sports regularly. People constantly complement me about how sharply dressed I am. Guy friends regularly ask me for advice on shopping for clothes. I am also doing extremely well professionally, and I bought my home at 23.
Socially, I am now known as the life of the party and I get invited to everything and make friends with everyone. Every party I go to, I always end up starting a dance party and convincing people into dancing and singing with me.
My best friend is a girl I randomly started a conversation with off the street and I’ve made so many friends like this. And I can make friends with anyone. Older people in my neighbourhood regularly invite me over for tea and I can have a great time with just about anyone. This year, I travelled around the world with people I barely knew.
Being in tech, most people around me are quite introverted. So when I joined my current company, people were stumped that I could just “go up to people and hang with them”. In my 300+ people office, I almost certainly know more people than anyone else and I only joined 9 months ago.
I do improv comedy and theatre now and not only am I no longer afraid of being the centre of attention, I actually enjoy being in the spotlight. At my company, I am constantly organizing events, I even hosted a game show in front of 200+ people.
However, there is one aspect, that I just haven’t figured out. Dating.
Women seem to love having me as a friend than a dating prospect. And I’m okay with that, I love having women friends, 80% of my friends are women, since I can be more emotionally real with them. With many men, friendships feel superficial.
My best friend at work is someone I asked out, but she turned me down. We ended up becoming really close friends, so much so that she and another friend (also a girl I dated once) organised a surprise birthday party for me, and over 20 of my friends showed up. It is kind of funny that of those people, 6 of them were those I’d either asked out or been on a date or two with. My logic there is simple, I only wanna date someone who I would wanna be friends with. So, if things didn’t work out with them, I maintained friendships with all of them.
I’m starting to think that my extroversion has been detrimental to my dating life. With my close women friends, I’ve noticed that they are very attracted to my quiet, introverted guy friends, who generally don’t reveal anything about them or even show much interest in socialising with others. I guess the whole thing about mystery being attractive is true. But its just so anti-me. I am an open book and I’m passionate about meeting new people, and learning about their lives.
And, I don’t really know what flirting is? I always complement people and ask them a lot of questions about them which seems to get them to like me enough to hang out with me. But that’s just everyone, I don’t talk to someone I want to date in a special way and maybe that’s a problem. Idk what I could do differently
I’ve had better luck online dating (which is not to say a lot, dated maybe 8 people on apps this year. I get 2-3 matches a month) than I have through friends of friends. I find it kinda awkward to express interest in friends of friends. With online dating, the expectations are more well defined.
Since I am still close friends with a lot of the girls I went on a date or two with, I have asked them why this might be and everyone tells me that “I am a really awesome, caring person and anyone would be lucky to be with me and that I don’t need to change anything about me, and its just that I am not their type.” But whose type exactly am I?
And, to this day, the only girlfriend I’ve ever had was one I met when I was the overweight, socially awkward nerd with no friends.
Any idea on what might be wrong with me? I feel like I’ve followed the vast majority of general guidelines on becoming attractive that isn’t PUA crap.
TLDR, I am very extroverted, make friends with women easily, but can’t date.
1 comment
“I only want to date someone who I would want to be friends with.” This could be part of the issue. I am not saying its wrong to want to date a friend, but sometimes they can sense that feeling from you. That you are willing to settle for less than relationship. When you talk to women, have in mind that you want to date, they will be able to pick up on this.
Another thing would be the being an open book. It is good that you have transformed your life from where you once where but now you have to learn to control it. Try to master what you say about yourself in these types of situations. A nice balance between being open and closed will do wonders.
Also learn some flirting from random places on the internet. There are plenty of videos that you can use to help for that. PUA stuff maybe cringe but you might learn something new. Take the things that make senes and discard the things that don’t.