So my F18 GF and me M18 had a disagreement, I feel it’s a dealbreaker for me if she still talks to/ is friends with people she has a romantic past with, and it’s dealbreaker for her as well but in a different way, she said it’s not that in it itself that’s a deal break for her. She said part of the reason she doesn’t want to do it is because she doesn’t wanna give up to much of herself or her life, and she says in a past relationship she was controlled and she’s scared of this turning into more and more like me telling her who she can and can’t be friends with and whatnot. She said that it isn’t not talking to those people specifically that’s a dealbreaker for her but it’s not something she’s willing to do she’s expressed and all I want to do is be with her and I won’t ever be able to feel secure or comfortable without that I think.
17 comments
Welp, sounds like that deal is broken.
If it is a dealbreaker, then break the deal. That’s what they are for.
>My **soon-to-be-ex-**girlfriend and I have conflicting dealbreakers
FTFY.
Breakups don’t have to be caused by one person deliberately doing something malicious or unethical. If she’s not right for you, she’s not right for you, and it’s not wrong to walk away.
If it’s not something that you’re okay with, then leave. Don’t try to change her, because that IS controlling whether you think it is or not. This is something she isn’t prepared to change/stop doing, so do what is best for YOU and walk away. Your feelings are just as valid as hers, but sometimes you need to put yourself first like what she’s doing. She’s putting herself first in this very situation, not wanting to give up friendships with men she used to be a thing with… You need to put yourself first by telling her you’re not okay with this and you can’t be romantically linked to somebody who’s still willing to talk to their exes. You both have opposing views on something that’s very important and should be dealt with ASAP… But unfortunately, this situation will not be dealt with because if you try to change it, she’ll paint you as controlling whereas you’ll just resent her and not trust her. It’s a tough and saddening situation, but there isn’t much you can personally do about it without coming across as a controlling boyfriend.
On the plus side, you’re both young as hell and you’re both going to be with WAY more people than you think you will be. In 10 years time, or even 20 years time, you’ll see that it’s not so easy to just cut contacts with an ex-partner. Not all relationships end sourly to the point where both people involved hate each other and want no contact. Sometimes people break off on good-terms and decide being friends is better for them. But like I said, both of your feelings, opinions and views are all valid. You just want different things and that’s okay.
You are both only 18! There is a whole world out there you haven’t seen or experienced! Date others as well as each other and she should too!
This sounds like, “I don’t want you to tell me what to do, I want to make the decision myself (even if we agree and I was going to do what you’re suggesting anyways).” Honestly its a classic stubborn old man tactic. I see the logic.
If she willingly cuts them out without you asking her about it anymore, then I think you got something here. But that will take patience as only time will tell. She has to make the decision herself and is probably less likely to do it if you’ve been asking her to recently. On the flip side, if she doesn’t stop talking to them in due time, then you’ll have a problem. It’s a reasonable boundary you’re drawing that is not at all uncommon so you’re not asking for anything wild.
I’d just turn the tables. Would she be upset if you refused to stop being friends with an ex or prior romantic partner? If her answer is yes, then you’ll realize she’s trying to have double standards.
Sounds like your incompatible. Move on.
Soooo, the relationship is over then. Walk away amicably and find people who more closely align with your value and expectations.
It’s not a deal breaker if not deals are broken. You don’t want her talking to exs and she doesn’t want to stop? Sounds like you have to follow through on your word and leave my man, unless it’s not that much of a “dealbreaker” for you. Sounds like you guys are incompatible and that’s okay. What’s not okay is bringing up these incompatibilities and both of you expecting the other to relent.
> I won’t ever be able to feel secure or comfortable without that I think.
Why not?
Dealbreakers are dealbreakers and unless you can come to an agreement on this, there is no point in continuing on.
You both have valid points so if you remain at an impass even after trying to come to an agreement, then a breakup is the only way forward.
She said she’s not going to stop talking to them. So if it’s truly a dealbreaker you break up with her. Or stay with her and accept it. Only choices.
its a dealbreaker for you.So break the deal.
Well then, you don’t have a deal. Relationship over.
I don’t see a problem with being friends with an ex. To me sounds like you are not mature enough to handle that situation.
It’s a deal breaker for you and you can’t force people to do what you want. So stop trying to control her and move on.
Sounds like you should just stay single if you think you’re always going to be that insecure.