This has been happening to me since I was in High School. I have good friends who are the rare few that actually showed interest in me, weren’t shallow and insecure, and really got to know me.I’m 6’2″, Overweight, 36M, Introverted, Shy, and a bit insecure. I don’t really know who “i am” or where my talents lie, but I do enjoy making and one day becoming a concept artist… if I can just get myself to practice. I love Metal, Punk, Goth, and hate nu-metal and nickelback. I am an Atheist and not self-righteous about it, and my politics veer to the left but I am respectful of others views. Honestly, I’m a kind and calm guy, who doesn’t take anything personally within reason, and I have a hard time recalling facts, and articulating my opinion on anything in conversation. eEen though I do have many interests to be able to talk about anything. I come off like a dork if I tried to be funny, and just don’t have much practice with connecting with others who lack patience or interest. My dating life has relied on the girl to come to me and show obvious signs she likes me, cause I just dismiss subtle signs as me being wishful or delusional…
My relatives and family will say they know me, but they really don’t. I keep myself shut off around them as much as I do others. They treat me the same way others do. Opinions range from me being lazy, dumb, odd, smart (confusion, I know), and basically just a big dork. People don’t tend to hate me, except for those extroverted few who want to put me in my place because I’m shy and weird. They usually have the idea I’m being selfish, weird, creepy, and dumb. Normal people who aren’t narcissistic assholes, treat me as if I’m a kind guy and sweet, but they still get bored of me and leave me be eventually.
At my places of work, where I’m concentrating and trying to be personable, I really try to work on myself as well as my social skills. I talk to others and joke around, but it’s only those few who actually end up liking being around me. I’m afraid of overly assertive, extroverted people who always tend to be in charge. I’ve had managers who talk a lot, gossip, and joke around, but they always tend to get a bit sick of me so when they ask me to do something – I always reply shortly “Okay I’ll get on it” or “Sure thing”, and they just mock those replies with what sounds like troglodyte douchey tone.
This is what I have to go on for how people really perceive me. That and because of my shy nature, I can come off like a know-it-all, sarcastic, moody, sad, pathetic, and even mean of all things. I just give up and put up with the passive aggressiveness and teasing due to a misunderstanding, it’s not easy to stick up for myself due to one. If I’m ever bold enough to ask someone out myself or flirt, it usually fails hard. I’ve been called a creep quite a few times just for asking someone out, and ridiculed or bullied by her friends when they are “sticking up for her” from the creep. Oddly enough I don’t get angry, at times I still care for the crush even if they treat me poorly from a misunderstanding. It makes me sad as shit this late in my life though.
Honestly, I just want to have fun again. How can I be an extroverted introvert? I know they exist, I have a couple of friends who are like this and people love them and they don’t have issues with dating. They tell me I overthink things, and worry too much. “just need to get out there”. It’s not very helpful. I find it difficult to think clearly in socializing, and at work since working is mixed in my mind is focusing on that. I’ve never truly tried to get good at anything, or even knowledgeable, but I do know things and don’t have trouble understanding what others talk about… I’m beginning to realize I’m not sure what I’m asking. How do I not be me? How do I clear this fog in my mind so I don’t feel the urge to lie about myself, or be able to converse with others without it feeling like a chore?
I’m hoping losing this weight will give me a boost in confidence and energy and give me a bit of a “halo effect”. But, I’m not sure how true that notion is… I honestly do think me being fat, big, and ugly with glasses gives me an Ed Kemper vibe…
1 comment
Sounds like you could benefit from therapy, to help you figure out who you are and to help you be more secure in your identity.
As for being an extroverted introvert, that’s going to take practice. Identify an interest or hobby, then find a group that shares that interest or hobby (Meetup might help there). Then you can practice your social skills among people who are more likely to accept you.
Best wishes. Don’t give up.