My husband constantly says rude stuff to me and then when I repeat back what he just said he constantly says “I didn’t say that!” and “You must have misheard me”. Is this gaslighting? How can I even respond to this?

27 comments

  2. Yep, record him if you need to prove it to yourself but honestly this won’t get better, you n Ed yo work on an escape plan and look into the grey rock method if you need to stay a while.

  4. That is gaslighting.

    Respond by asking, “what did you say, exactly, and what did you mean?”

  5. That’s gaslighting. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who does that.

  6. Yes, this is gaslighting. It’s a sign he doesn’t respect you or your feelings.

    When it comes to situations like this, it may seem counterintuitive to try talking to him about it, but every relationship is founded on clear, open communication. Write down things he says to you, and one day soon, when he seems receptive, bring it to his attention in a not-too-accusing way (difficult, as he is indeed being aggressive, and you would be correctly accusing him of being so).

    “I feel” and ” I noticed/have seen/etc.” statements can get you a foot in the door to bring your perspective on things, as he may not really notice he’s doing these things. Think of it as you both v.s. the issue, as opposed to you vs him.

    Nevertheless, it is important that you both are treated with respect, which being berated & gaslight is not part of.

  8. Yes, it is gaslighting. Dr Ramani and a lot of other people have a lot of videos about the topic on YouTube.

  11. Record it. There was a post in here once from a woman insisting she was being gaslit. Turned out she had a medical issue.

    If you have a recording then you can play it back to him and you can confirm you’re right.

  12. It’s not only gaslighting but it’s also indicative that during your conflicts, he’s playing to win, as opposed to trying to come together to fix the issue, which is in itself a whole different problem.

    I would point out, this is a thing many people do, albeit unintentionally. We say something harsher than we mean, and then walk it back or deny we said it, because that seems easier than taking accountability for our words. But it’s also harmful.

    Giving him the benefit of the doubt (I tend to believe people are generally not trying to be shitheads), my suggestion would be to bring up this tendency of his, at a time when you’re not arguing. Let him know he does it, and tell him it’s really hard to solve a problem when one person isn’t taking accountability, and sidetracking the discussion by turning it into a conversation about what was said, instead of a conversation about the issue at hand. Let him know it’s a problem, and ask him if it’s ok if you point it out to him when he does it.

    If he gets defensive, or turns it around back onto something you’re doing, that will show you he’s not serious about conflict resolution, and not willing to take accountability, just more interested in “winning” arguments.

  17. You respond to it by leaving.

    Because yes, that is gaslighting. He’s actively putting you down and then telling you he isn’t doing so.

    And I’m guessing this isn’t the only problematic behaviour he has.

  18. Of course it’s gaslighting, just start recording your conversations so you can play it back when he does it

  19. This is exactly gaslighting. And it’s not something that you can respond to. Even providing proof, they’ll double down and accuse you of being untrusting if you record them saying it. That’s why it’s a major manipulation tactic

  21. When someone is a compulsive liar like this, don’t be so focused on getting him to admit he said it. He never will and there’s no point in trying to get him to. You know you are right and that’s all that matters. The only way he’ll stop is if he sees it’s not working on you anymore.

  22. I realized this too late: if it’s to the point where you’re recording conservation to prove you’re not crazy JUST LEAVE

  23. This is gaslighting in my opinion. This was one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex. Sorry this is happening to you. This is serious, you should talk about it more deeply, ask counseling, maybe. Take care

  24. This is the actual definition of gaslighting.

    He knows he’s lying. It’s an abuse tactic.

  25. Fuck recording him. He knows what he said, he knows it was wrong. He gets you focused on proving he said what he said instead of the fact that he’s frequently rude to you.

    Say something nasty to him and then pretend you don’t know what he’s talking about.

  26. It’s definitely gaslighting and be careful, trauma from it can literally cause ad.h.d symptoms and brain damage from constant cognitive dissonance

  27. Your phone should have a voice memo thing so just record it next time then play it back for him.

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