i (24 F) have been married to my long distance BF (24 M) for 4 months now.
I have been noticing that there have been a lot of times where he lasts for more than 35-50 mins and is unable to orgasm.
sometimes i would get so tired that i’d tell him to stop and get frustrated.
I was a virgin prior to marriage so i’m not really sure if this is normal. he also ‘claimed’ to be a virgin before marriage but one month into marriage i found out a chat in his phone with a prostitute.
the chat happened during our talking stage before we got into a relationship. (see posts on my timeline for more details.
-he was a weed addict in the past for 2 years.
-he was also a porn/masturbation addict.
-and ofcourse involved with prostitutes, but he is not owning up to it. (blames his friend that he would borrow his phone to call a prostitute when they would meet up, not me)
-after having sex in the beginning of our marriage when i would get tired, he’d ask me to give him a hand job. EVEN THEN he would not finish and my hands would get tired.
-i did some research and found out that weed addiction causes delayed ejaculation.
-could it be because he was sooo used to fucking prostitutes that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore?
-if he claimed to be a ‘virgin’, shouldn’t he be cumming way faster than an average guy?
-i’m on the verge of divorce because of the prostitute chats because he lied to me prior to marriage when i asked him about his sexual history (sleeping with prostitutes etc)
-this whole delayed ejaculation thing is also making me anxious.
-he says that did a lot of masturbation before marriage and watched a lot of porn therefore he can’t cum in my vagina. since he is used to his hands, he can cum faster that way.
-he also says that the condom is making it worse for him. once it comes off, he’ll be fine.
is this true???
please HELP!!!
8 comments
Death grip. That’s why he can’t cum.
Hmm gosh where to start. Sex is so complex and nuanced, especially I imagine after long distance and certain habits. Sex is made out to be straightforward and it’s rarely so. It takes time and commitment. Given the other stuff you raised it might be worth looking at couple therapy?
There is a whole lot more going on than the title suggests…
You may have an ‘URGENT’ situation, but the path to recovery and resolution is likely a long and winding road…
Understand: he is fighting many battles (porn and drug addiction, sexual dysfunction, lies/deception, potential STDs/STIs from prostitutes, etc.)… and to top it all off he could be struggling with the consequences of ‘Death Grip Syndrome’ (look it up)…
Reddit can’t help with this other than suggesting to have the marriage nullified… maybe just walk away from this one, OP….
First question: was there pressure on one or both of you to be virgins on wedding day? If so, what was its nature?
Second question: what does an acceptable resolution to this issue look like to you? In other words, what needs to happen for you to be able to move past this?
Third question: what do you mean by weed addiction? What are your general feelings about cannabis use? Is this a sticking point in your marriage outside the bedroom?
Fourth question: how is the rest of the relationship?
Now, to address some of your points:
* Fucking other women in the past should have zero impact on your husband’s ability to orgasm with you in the present.
* Death grip syndrome is indeed a thing. That happens when a man masturbates too frequently and/or uses too strong a grip while masturbating, leading to temporary desensitization. It is not permanent.
* Cannabis typically enhances sexual pleasure, not the opposite. Bonus pro tip: if you are open to it, cannabis-infused lube greatly enhances female sexual pleasure (source: the internet, also my wife and all of her friends who’ve tried the weed lube she’s given them).
* Condoms can make even the horniest man have erection and ejaculation problems. Not saying you shouldn’t be using condoms, just that they could potentially be part of the problem.
Some guys just take a long time to cum. It’s hit or miss with me with a condom on. Often times I won’t cum before it starts to get uncomfortable for my partner and I’ll finish in her mouth or not at all. Without a condom I normally have no issues.
Sounds like you have some other stuff going on but they aren’t necessarily connected. I think you should address them separately. First, get to the bottom of the lies and find out if you can even trust him. Then you can deal with the sex life. It could be that he just needs to chill on the porn and masturbation.
Look up Madonna/Whore syndrome. It’s possible he can’t come bc he sees you as “too good to have sex with” in essence “the Madonna” and the prostitutes and porn he’s been jacking it to are what he thinks it’s okay to get off to, in essence “the whore”. That kind of guy has to marry a virgin bc they are the only kind of woman good enough to be his wife or the mother of his children. It’s very important to someone with that mindset.
At this point, no matter if I’m right or wrong, one things for sure. He’s broken trust with the whole prostitute thing and lying about it. Is there any coming back from what he did? He’s not even telling the truth about it so you can’t forgive him since you can’t know he won’t do it again since he won’t admit he already did it and he won’t admit he’s put his and your health in jeopardy and your marriage and trust. He cant be sorry if he can’t be honest. That would be the deal breaker for me. But, I’m not you.
If you want to try to save this, marriage counseling is essential for both of you. He needs a professional to hold him accountable for what he’s done and to help him to see the damage he’s caused and currently causing you by continuing to lie about it and how unbelievable the lies truly are.
He needs to stop the porn immediately and masterbation to try to get sensitivity back again in his member that his lost. He should also be willing to build back trust by being transparent on his his phone and letting you see it whenever you want. He also needs to be honest about everything if he wants to show he’s trying.
Take care of yourself. Get to your Gyno immediately and tell them to test you for Stds and why. You don’t know what he’s exposed you to. Do NOT have sex with him without a condom no matter what he says!!!! (Which is ANOTHER problem….if you ever want to have kids, it will involve having sex with no condom and how can you ever feel comfortable doing that with someone who feels fine going to prostitutes?) Bc, if he was OK using them in the past, he may be OK using them now or in the future. You simply cannot trust him or risk your heath or the health of your future children (who could also contract AIDS when you are pregnant or another disease) that he gets from a prostitute.
It’s ultimately up to you.
There’s so much to go through here.
My boyfriend lasts long about an hour and he is far from a virgin. Being a virgin or more experienced doesn’t singularly determine how fast or able someone is going to cum. He may have a sensitivity issue if he’s used to gripping himself too hard and too often.
The biggest issue is that you don’t trust your husband and you both don’t seem mature and ready to be married. Couples therapy or divorce are your options depending on if you want to save this relationship.
If he is a virgin ironically not Cummings because he was jerking it to much and to hard could be a very plausible thing. It’s called death grip and porn addiction. The weed may not help but it’s extremely doubtful that is the main issue. That said… no one lends their phone to a buddy to text prostitutes. My god get rid of this loser