I (23f) have been dating a guy (25m) since 6-7 years now.. we have reached a toxic phase thats lasted for over a year. I’m always anxious and he’s very avoidant. He was trying his best until a few days ago, when he said he cannot be in a relationship anymore. That he’s lost his ability to be a boyfriend, to trust or to make effort wholeheartedly. Because he doesn’t feel safe and hates to put his peace of mind in the hands of anything external. He wants to have complete control over his mood and activities and being in a relationship will by default drain a lot out of him. Most of my well wishers have asked me to leave the relationship but I really do not wish to give up so please do not suggest me to do so. Tell me instead how to convince him to stay, arguments in favour of working through trauma and lack of trust.
TLDR; Help me on how to convince a scared and avoidant man throwing away a seven year old relationship to stay and work.
7 comments
Get a professional to deal with his trauma.
If he won’t, then get out. Your most trusted friends and family are giving you good advice.
You are not respecting him. You are not acting like a good partner. You are being controlling, which is actively making his mental health worse. You are selfish.
If you love him, give him space to heal and work on yourself in the meantime.
Love yourself and end the relationship.
He has stated he cannot be in one, respect his wishes and spend some time on yourself. You need to figure out what you need and want in terms of what really benefits you and your growth.
The only way you have a shot at him wanting to be with you again is to respect his choice: leave. And go no contact. Do not check on him, do not sleep with him, do not be his friend. If you are living together – move out asap. Focus on yourself: get a new hobby, new job, date, sport, etc. Invest a lot of time and effort in something else. Accept his choice. Really say goodbye to him in your heart. Maybe he will want to rekindle things after some time, maybe he won’t. But you will be healthier and stronger and ready to not settle for a relationship where you are not wanted if that happens. Also, when you’ve done the work and he comes back, do not accept anything less than a marriage proposal.
Nothing. Just let him go his own way. No need to add more drama.
You cannot convince an avoidant partner to stay. Your convincing and anxiety will make him more avoidant. Soothe your anxiety. It will work out if it’s ‘meant to be’. If he’s the right person for you, it will be fine. Respect his space, wait for him to reach out. Focus on yourself.
If someone wants to leave a relationship, you cannot convince them to stay. You have to respect his choice. I’m so sorry. It takes two people to build a relationship, it takes two people to heal a broken one. He is opting out and there is nothing you can do about that. If he goes off and works on himself and becomes ready to try again, he knows where to find you.
I know it’s been a long time together and it hurts so much. Reach out to other friends and family for company and distraction and support. Be very kind to yourself, make yourself nice food, spruce up your space, treat yourself. do things that help you feel good and connected. You can get through this. It will not always feel this bad.