Sorry, this is a new throwaway account. I have posted on here previously, but my spouse found out about my secret throw-away account and I had to delete all of my posts. Yes, my spouse snoops on my inbox and any conversations.
I have been married for 20 years in a toxic marriage. A lot of the interactions with my spouse either result in conflict or I suppress myself and I feel miserable and fantasize about dying (passively) or leaving and being on my own. I have a past of ACE (adverse childhood experiences, abusive alcoholic parents, welfare homes, etc). Conflict makes me feel very uncomfortable and my therapists (past and present) have me thinking that I am co-dependent).
We have been to marriage counseling off and on for years. Most recently, my spouse rage-quit the counseling when the therapist wasn’t taking their side. I started going to individual therapy after that (been 6 months). Spouse has been too busy with other family matters to start again (and find a therapist to their standards which is the main blocker). I have also been reading books recommended on this subreddit and the therapist.
1x a week, I have time with a therapist. It’s frustrating for me because I want to know what the “right choice” is for my situation. I understand the therapist cannot tell me what to do (but that’s what I want). Anytime I say out loud to the therapist how my spouse doesn’t cheat and doesn’t abuse drugs, the therapist re-directs me out of these thoughts and tries to get me to think differently. Not to settle.
5 months ago, my spouse had a family emergency (elderly parent) come up and had to leave the state to deal with it. My spouse has been gone for 5 months with hardly any contact. Before my spouse left, we were discussing the possibility of separating, but then my spouse had to attend to that family emergency.
I have been asking my spouse when they plan to come back and their response for several months was that it may be semi-permanent and that I can come there to live. Yesterday, I was informed that my spouse will be home in 2-3 weeks, and this morning, I was informed spouse is coming home this week.
Here is my problem:
I was hoping my spouse would just stay out of state until we could work out our future (whether that be together or apart). I feel that by coming back, it’s ending this de-facto separation without any change occurring. I feel that I have to move out (super soon before they return) or lose my chance.
I don’t have therapy until next week and this is happening now (my spouse returning). I feel like I am standing on the diving board and the water is cold and I am going to cry and cry (and cry more) if I jump, but I don’t want to do the walk of shame off the diving board.
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\-Stuck on diving board.
Thank you for reading.
1 comment
Jump