My boyfriend (22M) and I (23NB) have been dating for a little bit over a year and everything was great at the beginning. He would encourage my hobbies, support my mental health, listen to my struggles, we would go out together and have fun, etc. After we took a vacation together we went from never fighting to fighting very frequently. This could be over the smallest thing as well.
We fight and then we resolve it (for the most part) but then the blame of the fight is directed towards me. Then when we fight again I am suddenly unforgiven and my mistakes get thrown back into my face. I’ve gotten to a point where I will just take the blame because Im tired of fighting and want things to be normal again. I’m used to this, as I always was the one to blame for my parents issues.
We are both victims of child abuse and struggle with our mental health, even though he refuses to admit it. He says he’s unaffected and nothing can bring him down, but it’s pretty obvious his traumas are giving him issues. I want to encourage him to go to therapy for the way he’s treating me and treating himself, but I know he would make it into another fight.
We have so many good moments and I truly love him, I just am so tired of waiting until I “mess up” and ruin everything all over again. Mistakes I have made with friends, boundaries, my hobbies, saying hurtful things, yes I will admit I’m not perfect. It just feels like I’m constantly on trial and he’s taking a scoreboard of everything I have ever done.
Our traumas lead us to butt heads and we don’t communicate successfully. I struggle with going silent and pondering what I will say because it feels like no matter what I say will be an issue. My tone is hard to read at times and it drives him insane. I’m told that my hobbies are not important to him and that I always do the wrong things. I feel like he hates me deep down and I can’t control the feeling.
This is kind of a vent kind of an advice or ask for help. How can I begin to repair our relationship?
TLDR: Boyfriend and I fighting constantly and my mistakes keep getting brought up over and over. How can I begin to repair our relationship and finally get a break from fighting?
2 comments
That brings around an action similar to walking on eggshells and that’s no way to be in a relationship. You’ll do better to get out of it if you two can’t seem to resolve the anger issues in the relationship.
Usually when you are fighting with any frequency, it’s because the two of you are not compatible and that incompatibility is creating a lot of tension in the relationship. A little fight here or there is fixable, but a pattern of repeating the fights frequently means you probably just aren’t a good fit.