So i guess this is really going out on a limb here, and i’ve been reading a lot of threads about this and similar toxic but i’m just not sure if i should continue to fight for the marriage.
Some context we’ve been married 10 years together 12, we have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. My husband works a physical job and makes more than I do. I work from home but still make an above average salary and we split all of our bills. They aren’t a 50/50 split and he thinks because he pays the mortgage that nothing else trumps that.
He is my best friend we have a great time together, we talk and have so much in common he really is my buddy. Here we are with 2 young kids, dogs and a whole household and every single responsibility falls on me. Ok, i lied he does take the trash to the curb, put up christmas lights and mow the lawn. Every aspect of parenting falls on me every small task, chore, responsibility with our day to day fall on me. Daycare drop off, pick up, cook, clean up, bath, bed, clean the house groceries, meal plan, laundry, vet apt, doc apts, ALL OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE OUR LIFE RUN. He’s tired from work i guess so he barely engages with the kids, naps after he showers, is asleep before them half the time. I tried explaining this and how it affects my intimacy interests. (i never ever withhold or say no) but lately he can tell i’m not into it or unable to you know.. enjoy.
After telling him that the mental load is so heavy for me that i have no room to let loose in my brain he kind of said this is how it’s always been and he’s pretty unwilling to change/step up. At this point I think i’d be better off doing this life truly alone than alone but married. It does make me sad because i do know that one day these responsibilities will lessen and we will be able to kick back together but i just don’t know if i can continue on like this.
6 comments
I’m sorry you’re going through this. So he wants roommates with benefits but no responsibility? Is couples counseling an option?
One thing I can guarantee is that those responsibilities will not lessen. You will always be the one carrying the load. If he’s refusing to step up and barely engages with the family the only difference in a few years will be the hate and resentment built up inside yourself.
I’m going through the same thing turns out he was using me for a lot more than I knew. And we had twins last year and I have had 2 different jobs this year along with fully raising the kids and managing so I get it just be a single person of you have to do it by yourself anyway it’s hard but you will feel better
Maybe not advisable – but Is there a way you can turn all of the responsibility over to him to give him a view of what your life is like?
What would happen if told him you’d reached your breaking point and after he got home from work one day you Packed a bag and left him to deal with everything for a few days and completely disengaged?
Or even if you did it in smaller doses. He comes home from work, and you hand him the kids and tell him to figure out dinner that you’re leaving and going to the gym or something. Ask don’t tell. Do it half the nights each week so it’s even.
Sure, he will be pissed but maybe it will open his eyes. While you’re out maybe you use that time to get your affairs in order, lawyer, living situation (if necessary) just in case.
Start Quiet Quitting! Leave the laundry undone, don’t clean the kitchen, just do the bare minimum EXCEPT things that impact the kids directly. But just STOP working so hard. This will show him what it’s like when you’re not fully present and he can pick up the slack. He will start to recognize what you’re doing when he has to do it himself. Even if he doesn’t change, you will, and you deserve a break!
If you make decent money can you get a meal plan or hire some help. Like meal plan so you cut down on planning for meals and the time it takes to cook, maybe also hire someone to watch the kids once in a while,