My husband is reliable. If I need him, have a health issue, or something comes up, he is always there…unless his family is involved.
We went to a restaurant yesterday that is known for their nuts everywhere to meet with his sister, her bf, and their kids. I’m allergic to nuts. He insisted they don’t do that anymore. We got there and there were nuts everywhere! I said I couldn’t eat there to him and his sister. They proceeded to order. I left to eat across the street at the supermarket while my kids, husband, and his family ate together. Nobody cared.
Two days ago my car was broken into. My neighbor stopped the guy and he got arrested. My husband went out afterwards and was told by my neighbor while me and the kids were still sleeping. He left without arming our security system, and didn’t tell me until 5 hours later.
There have been dozens of instances of him not thinking about my safety, or not having my back.
But, he is a good provider and is consistent. I just feel undervalued. Is this something I should get over because he’s not a bad guy otherwise?
3 comments
This sounds more like “doesn’t think of my needs at all”, than “doesn’t put me first”. Everyone has practical priorities that might need to take a jump to the forefront day to day, but totally writing off your potentially lethal allergy situation *when you even warned him before going to the place*… that’s messed up. After that experience, if him putting his family’s wants over your needs is a repeat issue, I’d be putting my foot down and refusing to engage in any meal-related stuff with them unless you are consulted and have real input / safety-related veto over restaurant locations.
I can see not waking you to tell you about the attempted break-in if it was some ungodly hour for the household, since the guy was nabbed – but a text for when you wake up, plus taking the 10 seconds it takes to arm a frickin security system should NOT be that big a schedule/function breaker on anyone’s day.
Honestly your neighbour seems more involved
Any time you ask yourself a question like this, you already know the answer
I also appreciate a consistent man, but if it’s his only quality , it becomes less important. And in this day and age, money shouldn’t be a criteria for a man anyway
It sounds like he’s invested/ self focused.
Culturally, even today, it’s often more common for girls/ women to be raised to think of others first, often at their own expense. Boys are raised to be tough, to be providers, and are taken care of by their mothers.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/08/upshot/chores-girls-research-social-science.html
This isn’t to excuse him. Regardless of his upbringing, you deserve a partner who is thoughtful. You just might need to recognize that he’s probably not thought about others his whole life, and isn’t going to change overnight.
Have you had conversations where you give him examples of the behavior you do that you’d like to see mirrored? For example “I make meals I know you would like, but when you make dinner plans, you don’t consider my preferences or allergies. In the future, I’d like you to make an effort to think of the family as a whole, and reflect on how things will impact me”
Or “how would you feel if you found out your car had been broken into and I left you at home with the kids without security?”