I am fine with people texting or calling me asking if we’re going to grab dinner together another day, or hangout on Tuesday after work, or go to the movies on Friday, or go to this club on Saturday, and so on. It means that I *know* when I need to be social. And I feel great when I do, too. I’m social and happy and it’s all good. And I do like all my friends a lot.
But to spontaneously do something makes me feel absolutely awful and completely anxiety ridden, I really can’t do it. Am I being a bad friend? E.g. a friend showing up at my apartment uninvited, or spontaneously hanging out after doing something else. Or like what happened today, which is what got me thinking. Me and a friend made plans to go to the movies. We specifically agreed on him picking me up at 7 PM. He then calls me at 5 PM and says he’s here in five minutes, literally two hours before the time we agreed on. I told him bro we said 7 and he tells me he wants to hangout! I turned him down and just said that well I have other stuff to do. I don’t; when he told me he’s already coming over, I just felt this really intense anxiety wash over me. I just can’t deal with having to be social like that out of the blue. He sounded *really* disappointed in me when I said I had plans until 7, I’m pretty sure he knows that I don’t considering the long pause when my brain kinda froze in shock for a moment when he said he was already here.
Am I at fault here and a bad friend? Or am I just really introverted and should probably tell people I’m like that? I’m not depressed or lonely, I really like spending time alone. I love seeing friends too but I *need* to know it’s coming.
8 comments
I’ve had to end friendships with people because they only ask to hangout by saying “What are you doing right now” or “Come over”
I plan all of my hangouts a week in advance because I work full time and go to school part time. I literally don’t have the time to be spontaneous, and even if I did I wouldn’t want to because I have to mentally prepare myself to be social. It’s led to a lot of misunderstandings where people think I hate them and am trying to curve them.
I’m like you OP, you’re not alone. I dont think it’s wrong, many people grow up in a spontaneous social pattern, some people do not. I think it’s about honest communication and barrier setting to make sure your friends know to let you know ahead of time
definitely not, sometimes I have friends who I have to ask first before calling and others who are fine with whenever. usually when there’s something on my mind I usually give people like a few days or at least 12 hours in advance before they’re like down with everything. I’m personally the same myself and I also plan things out and usually ask people about their own preferences and what they like. which takes a little bit of time, but usually when there’s missed opportunities there’s more apologies – and usually if there are less sorry’s you or the other person have to say, the general vibe is better. the last thing you want to do is cross boundaries.
That’s OK, but I recommend telling your friend the truth. Then you can avoid it in the future and won’t feel compelled to lie to cover yourself.
Ive been there, i think it has to do with you being “ashamed” of something about the way you live. You should strive to live in a way that you could be on the ground floor and still keep your curtains open or always having your dorm door open. Obv everyone needs privacy at times but i think its for the worse if a majority of your time is spent in a way that you feel a need to hide it
Yeah that’s way too early. You did nothing wrong
No, its not wrong and youre not a bad friend. Just let them know how you like to handle things. This makes it harder to misinterpret your declines as lack of interest in them
I’ve lost the ability to be spontaneous as I entered my current career path. My friends took it well, though there was a period where I had to say a lot of “Sorry I’m really busy ;_; i don’t think i can do spontaneous plans as much anymore, but can we plan a hangout next Saturday?”
Eventually with enough “Sorry I can’t break my routine spontaneously anymore” + “But can we plan a hangout in advance” responses, I’ve reached a pretty good flow with people.
Secret trick: for people who are always spontaneous, you can make an arrangement to be *open* to hanging out on a certain day. Like “Sorry I can’t hang out tonight 🙁 Next Saturday I’d be free though! I can message you Saturday lunchtime to check in, maybe we can get lunch”