…and I am broken. Our family has fought so many battles over the last 20 years. Kid’s health issues, family who choose themselves over offering us meaningful help. My chronic illness which is only getting worse and affects all of us
My long suffering wife wants a trial separation to find a way to move forward so she can support me as a friend. No longer do I have “partner” status.
I would rather have her in my life than not but I can’t see how a 3 month trial break is going to give her any reason to stay, especially if it’s only as a friend.
I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that I have lost the best thing in my world. Nothing makes any sense without her. FML.
14 comments
Seek professional counseling and or therapy. Good luck.
I would prepare yourself for the worst.
So sorry man. Early onset Parkinson’s has to be hell to deal with without losing your marriage.
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Unfortunately, I don’t see any “light at the end of the tunnel” here. Some therapists advocate for “trial separations”, ostensibly so that each person can work on improving themselves, during that period, and perhaps reflecting on how they can become a better partner. Sounds noble, but it’s usually BS. Can a dancer become a better dancer by taking a 3 month break? Can a mathematician get better by not working his skill for 3 months? Can a baseball player get better by putting down the bat and glove for 3 months? I believe your wife is simply doing a 2-step rejection of you. She cares enough to not crush you immediately by saying “it’s over”, but her intention is to let the situation cool down, so that you’re maybe not suicidal in 3 months, and then to perform the coup de grace. Obviously, you can’t distill 20 years down to 2 or 3 paragraphs, so that it becomes clear how culpable you are, but it sounds like she’s checked out and you need to work on the only thing you can control. That being your personal physical and mental health. And, if you start begging and pleading, she will lose any remaining respect for you that she might still harbor.
Doing a test run on your replacement.
I’m sorry to here about what your going through. But in your wedding vows it states through sickness and health good times and bad. If she’s suggesting a separation she screwing around or already has someone lined up. Tell her to hit the bricks if she wants to leave. But do yourself a favor and get yourself a hooker or stipper to show up to your house before she leaves and when she asks which ever one you decide why she’s there they need to respond with (I’m here to help console my friend who’s heart that you destroyed) then ask your future ex wife to please leave. “Do not I repeat do not discuss paying for any type of sexual activity but only that you would like to pay for her time, or that you would like her to be a paid nude modle, or pay her for a massage. but not discuss paying for sex.
I speak from person experience I went through a separation and It didn’t help it did not help it only made things worse and I have more questions and doubts as to exactly why. But i have my suspicions. But I’m about to say fuck it and just give up.
It sounds like you’re both in an immense amount of pain and I’m sorry. Whatever the outcome, a trial separation is a good thing. The caveat being that there are clear expectations set around communication and there is a clear “end date” where you both regroup and discuss whether to stay together or end things. A separation allows space and time to be and figure out who you are and what you really want. My husband and I separated for a month early last year and I hated every second of it. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had but looking back on it I appreciate what it did for us. Our relationship had become so toxic and codependent after being together 13 years, married for 4. It allowed space and time to remember who we each were and what was important to us. For the first time in a long time I had to focus on myself and discover my own needs without a partner nearby. It forced me to focus on my own healing which was painful. Take the time, it is a gift even if it doesn’t feel like one. Yes we make voes when we marry but life has a way of throwing major curve balls that force us to reckon with the best and worst of ourselves and each other. It is HARD and terrifying and we have no control over it. Take it one day at a time. Focus on your health and your children. Lean into your loving support system and allow yourself to surrender. The future will work itself out ❤️
Sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you love your wife and even have sympathy for what she’s going through. I’m wondering if there’s an option for a real conversation along the lines of: if you need a friend/lover and I can’t do that for you any more, then I want you to have that. If you could have that relationship without abandoning me completely, is that something you’d be interested in? Basically offering to open your marriage for her.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his late 40s and it has been an emotional rollercoaster for his entire family. Take this time to work on yourself and seek therapy, spend time on hobbies that are special to you, and bolster friendships in your life. If you haven’t already sought one out, there are a lot of great support groups out there for others with your diagnosis and who are also going through separation and/or divorce. Remember the most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself and don’t give up. Good luck.
You can fight for this or not. Statements like “I am broken” show a state of mind that makes her want to get away. Let her take a break and prove to her your worth coming back to by fighting for yourself, work on your mental health and investigate you health issues.
There are no ‘trial separations’ only separations where the other party is trying to justify their actions. You may feel lost now but after a bit of time you will understand how important it is for both parties to be involved in the relationship.
She expects you to support her as you always has with nothing in return, do nothing of the sorts. Its going to be hard but take your time to figure things out.
Seek support, legal, psychological and family/friend support. Its going to be a hard time ahead, you’ll need those people to lean on.
Things will get better but first step is taking care of you.
If she wants to leave, let her but you are under no obligation to exit your home.
Reality: You cant be friends and you don’t want that.
Seek I.C. to gain some coping skills. I understand that you are going through a lot of pain, however a partner can’t be everything all the time in every way. Partners equals evenly divided responsibilities, as in 50/50.
You can’t stop her and in my opinion/experience she probably has another guy she is involved with or wants to be involved with. The thing is she doesn’t want to let you go until she knows. My wife of 26 years did something similar to me and led me on until I busted her with another guy. Hope this helps you and you figure out what her intentions are