I’ve (27F) been feeling like less of a priority to my boyfriend (28M) recently.
He has an old group of school friends that have spent a long time not really showing up for him. Making him the butt of the joke more often than not etc, leading to him not really feeling like he’s a well-loved part of the group. Since moving in with me and getting a job at a bar downstairs, he’s met a new group of really lovely people who make him feel the opposite – included, respected, well-loved etc. It’s great.
But over the past few months, he’s been spending a lot of time out drinking with them. Either playing football then watching football and drinking, working at the bar then drinking after the bar with them, or just visiting the bar to hang out with them. Of course the bar shifts he can’t change, but with all of those different types of nights added together, he’s sometimes out as much as 6 nights a week. It’s beginning to feel a lot like we’re roommates rather than partners, because although we see each other all the time, sleep in the same bed etc, the quality time is lacking. We have been having sex only once every 4-5 weeks this year too.
A bit of extra context: After my early 20s and uni, I started looking at the alcohol binge culture that is pretty bad in the UK and cutting down. I used to get quite severe hangovers, so I haven’t been a big drinker for about 4 years now. I’d say I get drunk maybe 1-2 times a year. I wish there were more things to do outside the house at night that weren’t going to pubs/bars. We also have both recently started a PT diet/exercise programme, so I’ve cut back even more.
Anyway, I brought up to him last week that I need more quality time with him and that I’ve been feeling lately that I often only get nights with him if going out with his football or bar friends isn’t in the diary. I also let him know that I’ve found this difficult to bring up because I know how important and special it has been for him to have these new pals that make him feel valued and included. He understood, agreed that more quality time is important. He also said that my lack of willing to come to the bar with him is something he’d like to see change – that he’d love if I came out to join him a bit more. We agreed we’d both make more of an effort.
So last night, I joined him at the bar and we had a really nice night. The bar closes at 1am and around 12.30, I was really crashing so I let him know that I was going to head back upstairs. He asked if I minded that he stay out, I said of course I don’t mind (knowing the bar shut at 1). Fast forward to 3am, he comes through the door trying to be quiet, but waking me up because he’s drunk. He gets into bed then gets back out to go and make himself throw up. So I’m of course lying there with one ear open to make sure that he’s ok. I struggle to get back to sleep and probably finally fell asleep around 4am. Then at 9am, his alarm goes off. He snoozes it repeatedly for about an hour, waking me up every 9 minutes and eventually he gets up so he can go and play another game of football (with his group of old school friends) and then go and *watch* football and drink some more. So I’m cranky as fuck because I’ve now had 5 hours of sleep.
I don’t believe in ultimatums, but how do I explain to him more than I have that this lifestyle doesn’t work for me? I don’t know if this is just something he’s going through for a few months and he’s banking on me still being here at the end of it, or whether I’ve just been permanently bumped down in priority? I love that he has these new friends and I get on well with them too, but I don’t like this version of him and it’s detrimentally affecting our relationship. I want him to want to spend time with me as much as he wants to spend time with these guys 🙁
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TL;DR: after a shitty experience with his oldest friend group, my bf has found new lovely friends, but now goes out drinking and playing/watching football with them so much that our quality time and relationship quality is suffering
1 comment
Why are you acting like quality time is something he does for you and telling him you need more quality time?
Are *you* planning quality time? You both give quality time to each other so time to start planning stuff to do together or places to go together. You do not have to intrude on his friendship time and places. I think all this is just emphasizing how you guys never plan dates or home activities to enjoy each other.
Put some couple’s things on the calendar whether home-based or going out. It doesn’t have to be about complaining. Just say let’s do this… let’s do that.