With the holidays coming up and people gathering with their family and friends, I’m feeling extra lonely and looking for advice on how to be more social.
I (25F) have always struggled to make friends, my entire life. I had 1 close friend growing up and we drifted apart in high school. I was super excited to make friends in university but wasn’t able to make any friendships. Now as an adult, I still can’t seem to make any friends.
The problem is most definitely me, but I don’t know how to fix it. I feel so awkward talking to people especially around my age. I try to be friendly and speak with people but always run out of things to talk about and I honestly don’t have enough going on in my own life to be talking about myself (I notice this is how some people make friends, sharing about themselves and stuff).
I’m lonely. It’d be nice to be able to pop over to a friends house for a coffee, go out on the weekends, or just talk about life with someone. I feel so uncomfortable when I do on the rare occasion have people over or hang out that I’m sure I radiate nervous energy.
How do I get over this? Advice appreciated.
5 comments
Well, why should people be friends with you ? It cannot be because you are lonely and need attention. What are they going to get out of talking with you ? Typically, people look for somebody who is confident, fun, interesting to be around, or adds some kind of positive energy or positive vibes. They deduce it from the way you act and carry yourself around them. There are verbal and nonverbal cues that you give off that show you are anxious, unconfident, worrying, overthinking, etc. and they subconsciously deduce you are not that positive person they want to hang out with. For example, being overly quiet and not participating or contributing in past social interactions you had with them. You need to practice putting yourself out there and talking to people in a confident manner.
Also, people naturally recognize, appreciate, and value you when there is something respectable about you. Do you have skills, talents, hobbies ? Can they impact people ? People subconsciously attach you to the value you bring.
Maybe you’re more of a DOER than a talker. It’s easy to stay at home alone these days. Get out of your house and find somewhere to invest your time and energy to help others.
Martial arts, volunteering, homeless shelter, nursing home, community center, big brothers/big sisters, theater groups building sets or working backstage, hospital burn unit/cancer unit for kids, church, dance classes, follow around a local band every weekend and be a FAN.
Be a light in the world with your actions and friends will overflow!
We ALL have stuff going on with ourselves that is worth talking about! Remember it’s HOW you say things that’s important. You could be a world traveler and be a complete bore. The key is to find things that emotionally resonate with you and talk about THAT. Anything in your day that is: unusual, funny, heart-warming, informative, crazy, frustrating — and talk about these things with a bit of energy. You need to have some passion for: yourself, other people, LIFE ITSELF.
Enthusiasm for life and other people goes a long way!
Start listening to the social skills lab podcast, there’s some pretty good info available there. I’d also recommend just finding as many YouTube vids about good social skills or charisma, communication skills as possible and really focus on improving that aspect, it’ll start to click after a while. It took me a long time to get it, but eventually things really started to turn around.
Do you have any hobbies? You can always bind naturally with people who share the same passions as you! Working out helped me build some natural conversation topics. I also found a dog helped me get past my social anxiety.