My husband (24M) and I (24F) have been married about 18 months, we usually have sex about 4 times a week (oral and intercourse.)
This last month has been so stressful for various reasons and we have only had sex once a week for the last 4 weeks. When I get stressed my sex drive goes down, he he gets stressed his sex drive goes up – bad combo.
Yesterday when he approached me for sex I was hesitant but not reluctant, so we went for it. I was pretty into it at first but after a while everything just seemed… gross.
I was on top of him and we were sweaty, my boobs hurt, and he suddenly disgusted me. It was awful. I was just so uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do, I just waited for him to finish.
Afterwards he tried to finish me, and I just told him that I wasn’t able to right now. He seemed really confused and hurt and I didn’t know what to say.
I don’t know what to do, especially the next time we go to have sex… I really don’t want to do it again.
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Edit/Update: Thank you for all the responses and advice.
I should clarify that the “disgust” I was feeling wasn’t actually with my husband, I was wrong about that- it’s just the first time I’d ever felt an aversion to sex in our relationship.
I think I have the words to talk to him about this now. Thank you all.
33 comments
It might be just a period of stress or a sign that the relationship has some problems. Is everything else good between you two? I find life in bed being proportional on how things go in the day to day relationship.
Don’t have sex if you aren’t in the mood, you can end up making yourself hate sex with him by doing this.
Tell him stress is killing your libido and you don’t enjoy sex with him whilst you are like this so want to take a break for a while. If he wants to speed things along he can do some things to help decrease your stress.
Communication is very important.
The words you use and thing are triggering your disgust reflex. Read about disgust reflex a d the power of the words you use, before you destroy your marriage.
Do not engage in sexual activities if you’re not up for it.
Alright, but… he’s disgusted you? That’s a pretty strong word. I won’t doubt you, but do you realize what you’re saying? If my partner told me they’re disgusted by me, it would be over. In this exact moment. It would be a point of no return.
Try to be intimate with out sex activities like try a bath / shower together, back massages and just be with each other. I know I get stressed my sex drive is through the roof but it’s more i crave the intimacy of it less the sex part. But yeah don’t force yourself to have sex when you don’t really want to it will make you not want to have sex more.
If anything else in your relationship is okay and he cares for you and treats you good, this could be concerning. Be honest first of all to yourself. Ask yourself is this is you or is it him. Is it a thing he does or says or is he just like he has been all the time. So you know his libido arises when he’s stressed which means you already lived through that experience. Was it similar to you situation now?
If all this questions seem to align to an aversion from you towards him, be honest to him, tell him about your feelings. But don’t engage in other or new duties with him (kids, housebuild, debts). There should be enough love left for him to set him free and give him the chance of a good life with someone who truly deeply loves him in all shapes and situations and physically and mentally.
It sounds harsh. But feeling low or having a lower lobido from time to time is something different than thinking of him in words like disgust, gross, awful.
You know you can stop in the middle and say, something isn’t right, I need to stop. And he should respect that. I’ve done it a few times so has my partner nd just say ok, are you OK? And we go snd make a cup of tea and chat about it.
Are you OK OP?
Communication is key! If yous talk about it everyone’s on the same page and you can work together on it.
If you say nothing he can be thinking all sorts of things and it will make things worse in the long run.
Always communicate
It sounds like you don’t want to be with him at all lol
Hmmm. So you’re exiting the honeymoon phase and are young. Sex can bring out a range of feelings, not all of them good.
Feeling disgusted is a terrible feeling in sex, especially when it’s with a partner you care about, but try not to give that feeling weight and examine what triggered it.
How to discuss this with him is to focus on the fact you felt gross in the moment. That you lost the mood and couldn’t help but focus on everything making you uncomfortable in the moment (like you’re hurting boobs, the sweat etc.) and possibly externalized the feelings a bit.
I wonder what changed from “pretty into it” to “everything is gross”.Seems like you’re questioning things and they are getting expressed elsewhere.
Maybe you two need to explore spicing things up or other areas in the relationship things aren’t clicking (or even better a combo of both).
Your instinct to hold off is good, but you’ll need to communicate this effectively to manage hurt feelings. This will take a bit to shake off, but if you love each other and communicate well you’ll be able to get through it.
You’ll need to think about the stuff that turns you on and communicate that a bit better as well I think to give him the areas he can focus on to get you to a better headspace. Might phase through some awkwardness but if you manage to let go the expectations and find the fun in exploring each other’s bodies giving/receiving happiness it should help.
Disgust? That’s pretty rough. If my wife told me I disgusted them I would be out! Just divorce him already, if he disgusts you after only 18 months.
Try introducing male chastity. He will be way more sensitive to your needs.
Communication.
I’m not a doctor, but it could be a hormone thing. This reaction is quite common for perimenopausal and menopausal women. You’re too young, but still worth exploring.
Discuss it ASAP. Communication is key. We all have off days. But you owe it to yourself and him to resolve or move on
These are mainly decent suggestions and comments, *if* this is something you feel regularly / have done before. But honestly if this is a one-off you’re better off chalking it up to an off day in your part than any deeper issues – the more you overthink this kind of thing the more likely you are to manifest an issue where there isn’t one.
Something similar happened to me recently with my bf – we’d just got going and I’d been up for it, but then suddenly everything felt wrong. It just didn’t feel comfortable, and was like my body was rejecting it and kind of clocking out. I ended up just asking him to stop and said it didn’t feel good today – he was a bit disappointed but ended up taking care of himself which I quite enjoyed watching 😆
I think our bodies just sometimes aren’t up for the occasion and that’s okay! it likely means nothing about your overall attracted-ness to your partner, and more about what’s going on in your own head/body at that moment in time.
But i mean if you regularly feel ‘disgusted’ by him then that’s another story entirely
Just because I didn’t notice anyone else mention it yet, it’s worth taking inventory of any medications you’re taking that could be affecting your libido. Hormonal birth control can kill libido sometimes, as can some antidepressants, and other drugs. Just in case one of these things could be the culprit, you could ask your doctor whether there are any alternatives without sexual side effects.
To take some of the pressure off, maybe try massage, cuddling, and gentle touch for a couple weeks without the expectation of intercourse. In a long term relationship, it’s completely normal to have dry spells as well as times where you can’t keep your hands off each other.
Even though you typically have sex 4 times a week, there’s no reason it always has to be that. Learning how to be gentle with each other through different phases of life takes time. Giving yourself a little physical distance is completely okay. Just make sure to find playful ways back to each other.
I don’t know if this will be on the mark or not, but this sounds like it could be a result of having sex when you weren’t feeling it, and trying to carry on despite it. Sudden unexplainable repulsion can be our body’s way of going, “Hey, I don’t wanna do this!” in a way that’s louder and harder to ignore – which can be really jarring if it’s not a thing you’ve felt before. Going forward, it’s definitely a good idea to not push yourself if you’re uncertain – follow what feels good, but try not to just muscle through if you’re too stressed to get into the moment. The easiest way to not have to worry about this happening again (if it’s for this reason, of course) is honouring what you actually want, checking in with yourself before you say yes, and respecting if your body says ‘ehh not tonight’.
Don’t have sex when you don’t want to. It’s gross and basically rape. Anyone who tells you otherwise simply has an agenda.
Others have said it, but I’m gonna drill it home. Communication. You need to let him know you’re not in the mood, it helps to give a reason too. Stress can be a libido killer, have the conversation and take time to get yourself sorted out
Typical LLF and HLM problem. A lot more communication would help the relationship
Looks like you forced yourself to have sex and you felt it.
It happens to me as well when I go for sex when I wasn’t really in the mood. I’d advjse trying to talk about it with your husband, who might not really grasp how out of it your were during the experience.
Maybe try other sexual activities that are shorter or less “work” for you when you’re a bit meh. What I do is a sebsual shlwer and blow him in the shower when I am not really into a full intercourse session. Sometimes we just fuck for a few mins in the shower to finish him, but not always. That’s one of our compromise
Grab the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Asap.
Did he really got hurt? It’s quite normal to me when the woman doesn’t want to finish.
He needs it explained that your body responds differently and that isn’t a reflection on him or his “skills.” Show him this post.
Everyone is giving you really solid advice. I would just like to add to be careful how you phrase “I” sentences. Here’s an example that helps me understand:
Saying “I am stressed because the house is dirty and you dont do xyz” OR by implying that he does something to cause the stress creates a combative conversation that attacks the other person
But saying “I would appreciate it if you helped with the chores” opens the conversation up to solutions without directly targeting the other person
I hope that makes sense. It could probably be explained better by other people. And I’m not saying you do any of that either, OP. This applies in many situations
Have you gone out on a date lately?
Marriage at 24.. that’s your problem right there 😉
My wife sleeps in the same bed when she wants to have sex and I can’t just have sex.
This frustrates her more and she sleeps in other rooms.
This happens to me sometimes. Hasn’t happened yet in my current relationship yet but it’s happened often in past ones. I think it’s pretty natural that it happens sometimes..
Hey can we chat?
I’m not sure that I’ll ever understand the fascination with orgasming *every* time. If the vibe burns out beforehand for your partner then you can just make sure to satisfy them some other way. I feel like it’s pretty odd to expect “perfect sex” every time. It’s just not a thing.