She (22F) is on a very competitive graduate internship scheme for fashion design. She worked very hard for it and I (22M) support her in any way I can think of. I do any chores or errands, buy anything she needs, I cook her meals every night and make her lunches, I buy her gifts, I tell her that I’m proud of her and that I love her.
I also feel a bit lost. She’s always too tired to talk about her day or talk at all. She’ll get home at past 10pm, put on the TV and just want to eat her meal in peace and then go to bed. She works most weekends too, and the weekends she doesn’t, she just wants to rest and sleep. Even when she’s home, she’s texting her boss. This has been 8 months now and I know I’m being maybe a bit needy but I don’t feel appreciated and I’m feeling very lonely and isolated.
I made a friend when I was at the gym, Marcy (20F). For a while, I was happy because I had someone to speak to. Through her friends, she happened to know someone on the same internship as my gf. I was chatting with this person and she asked me when I never came to drinks with them, as the other interns bring their partners. My girlfriend had never invited me to go. We talk more and she says that my gf is the boss’s favorite this year, and I find out that the other interns don’t have to work weekends or text the boss outside of hours. Just my girlfriend.
Anyway, my girlfriend found out about Marcy and wanted us to stop being friends. Marcy is in a committed relationship with a woman but I did what my girlfriend asked and I went to another gym instead.
My girlfriend’s boss is a dickhead. I met him once, and I was polite to him but he’s just incredibly condescending. He calls my girlfriend a nickname which she hates but she lets him call her that, and he’s always touching her and that makes me uncomfortable. My girlfriend says it’s important to impress this guy as he picks those who get offered to work with the company in the future, so she doesn’t say anything. I think this is why she works so many hours too.
I asked her last night if there was a way she could put more distance between work and home. She said that she “can’t do this with me right now”, that she’s working hard to establish her career and that I wouldn’t understand because I don’t work. She went to stay with her parents.
People on another sub told me that I was wrong for this because I should be supporting her career. I guess I’m wondering what to do now because I don’t know if I can any more. But also, she’s the best thing in my life and I can’t lose her. The only other people I have to talk to things about are her parents (they took me in when I was 15 and they are like my family) but I can’t tell them this, and I don’t want to lose them either.
What do I do?
Thanks for reading anyone who did
21 comments
Sounds like the boss has a romantic interest in her and she’s trying to stay the favorite for the career advancement. That most likely why you don’t get invited to drinks. She probably also doesn’t want you to be friends with the woman who knows too much about her work life. Her career is important to her and she’s worked/working hard to achieve her dreams. The thing is, you need to be important to her too. She’s treating you like her live in maid that isn’t important enough for her to even have daily conversations with. It’s not fair to you and it’s unhealthy for her. Just put it all out on the table. You love her, want to be in the relationship but she needs to participate in it as well. I’m sorry for the heartache I’m sure this is causing you. I hope it gets better.
She’s using you and you’ll probably be replaced soon
Why aren’t you working? I can sympathize a lot with your gf about going above and beyond for a career. I won’t comment on her relationship with the boss though since it might be a really long story.
What do you do with your day besides tending to her needs? The feeling of accomplishment and appreciation can come from many things.
Before committing into a relationship, you both need to be well established enough to be financially independent. You’re being used by her, and the worst thing is, you ended a friendship with a girl who was your only chance of getting the truth. If she leaves you, cheats on you, you’ll be left broke or homeless. I think you should use this time to self-develop, find a job or study. If this is draining your mental health daily and she refuses to compromise, it be better to officially end things. Decisions can be tough, but if you consider the long future you have ahead, the compatible partner and happy life you’ve been desiring, it’s worth losing the temporary misery that will continue dragging these painful emotions.
You sound like her roommate/friend. You should not have cut your friend as this was the only person telling you the truth of your relationship even if she is not cheating you are not an important part of her life she ignored you has not introduced you socially accepts ridiculous hours and that is to avoid you. Leave and find your self respect she appears to be minimising you impact on her life so when get cut it is nothing to her. Seriously leave find someone who actually wants to be with you!!!!
Yeah that boss is tryna fuck your girlfriend.
Earn your own keep and get a new GF. Let her know you don’t like not seeing her, don’t appreciate her not inviting you for drinks, especially because you don’t see one another. If she can’t make time for you then she shouldn’t be in a relationship. Working hard isn’t necessarily bad, but not infringe you when she can is saying something, get to the bottom of it.
Doesn’t like you, trust you or you aren’t that important to be with. She likes the maid in the house!
So if you are afraid because she pays the bills then you are in a position most gf’s find themselves same advice get a job
Sounds like you are financially supporting her and she gives you nothing in return.
Also sounds like she is having an affair with her boss.
She is also controlling who you are friends with.
I’m sorry, but you would be better off without her.
Bro she’s texting the other boss after working hours and spending time together. He’s touchy with her and calls her nicknames. They have a relationship going on. Other workers aren’t doing that. They bring thier partner to gatherings as well. Why aren’t they texting thier boss during the weekends if it’s that competitive and they want to stand out? She wants impress him? She can do that while temaining professional just like everyone else. Truthfully, she likes the attention shes getting and the fact that she is the bosses favorite. She didnt even bring you when they went out for drinks and were told to bring their significant other. Her coworkers didnt even know about you until marcy introduced you. This is flirting behavior from her and her boss, not to mention the fact that hes touchy and she condones it while in a relationship. Your girl is cheating on you man. There is something going on between her and the boss. Also there’s no reason for you to cut contact with marcy. You can have friends too. She has friends so what’s the problem. It’s concerning that you never found out about anything she does at work and she doesn’t want you in contact with Marcy and her friends so you remain oblivious. She’s selfish and a cheater. End the relationship man. It’s over. Focus on your career and improve yourself.
Y’all need to have a serious sit-down conversation about boundaries, together time, work, etc. She seems incredibly stressed out and it’s kind of you to help her but everyone has limits.
Go ahead and move out and see how long it takes for her to notice that you are gone.
I feel like you re being a little too kind and passive here
She is sleeping with the boss
Dude, breakup with her and get a job. As others have pointed out, she is allowing the boss’ interest in order to advance her career. There is no winning for you here. If you convince her to assert boundaries with the creepy boss, she’ll lose his favor and blame you for it. And the other option is she forces you to be okay with it, or accuses you of being insecure, and you continue being miserable. Leave her and focus on your own career.
Dude you have way stronger feelings for her than she does you. She doesn’t respect you and has severed ties with you on all ways but you being her live in nanny. Dump her and when you do, tell her it’s because she doesn’t respect you. Tell her what you know, and tell her you aren’t trying to step in the way of her career but you have self respect. She’s tunneled on this, fine, it’s prob why she can’t keep relationships to begin with. Go be happy bro
I’m going to offer an alternative view point to most of those on the thread who I feel may have jumped to conclusions because I feel that 22 year old me relates. I was also (and still do) working in an ultra competitive field and often with men who sound rather like her boss (literally once got SA’d and shrugged it off because it was a senior person) and I definitely had not developed very good boundaries at that point. What’s more I was in a relationship with someone who ultimately ended it because I couldn’t devote the time to him and he ended up cheating and leaving me for that person. I took a couple of years to focus on myself and my career and ultimately ended up meeting a lovely man who worked similar hours so we ended up working quite well and figured out how to balance our long hours (and got married 6 years later!).
Now I don’t think you should necessarily jump to the conclusion that she is cheating with this boss though I would be wary of him. She wants to impress at her job, she’s clearly pulling bad hours for it, and it sounds like she may be a people pleaser so likely shrugging off what he’s doing in order not to disrupt that approval. I think it’s worth bringing that up because it’s really not healthy long term for either of you and she might end up getting herself into difficult situations. She really needs to learn to establish boundaries.
Looking at the bigger picture I think it’s worth having a conversation with her about what her true priorities and values are right now. Is it her career or is it her relationship with you. It may well be the former, and if so, that’s fine, but she needs to be honest so you can both move on and find happiness. Or it may force her to confront whether this really is what she wants and maybe actually you guys can figure it out and she’ll be less focussed on work and this horrendous boss.
Overall I think communication is super important here, you need to tell her that a serious conversation about your relationship is due and you are worried it’s at breaking point, so it’s important you can both put the time in to figure out the next steps.
Wishing you all the best OP.
Your girlfriend isn’t good to you. She’s decided to put her work life 100% ahead of you. She’s cultivated a work persona where you don’t even exist, which is why her boss can reach into her private time any time he wants. It’s not like she’s busy at home with her partner, right? It’s why you don’t get invited to things where partners are invited. You are essentially her maid and her security blanket.
Also, it’s messed up that she pressed you into dropping a female friend because she was threatened, even/especially when learning that female friend is in a committed relationship herself and is not interested in men. Some people will call this “boundaries.” I call it controlling.
If your girlfriend wants to be 100% about her work then she *shouldn’t be in a relationship with anybody*. Partners deserve more than zero and what she’s giving you is zero.
I really empathize with you because you’re so close to her family. But you deserve someone who loves you and doesn’t take you for granted and actually spends time with you and WANTS to have a normal work-life balance with you.
In your position, I’d sit her down and tell her I was leaving her. That I love her, that I love her family, but that I deserve somebody who cares about me and invests in me even a little bit. And maybe some day when she feels established in her career, she’ll be ready to give some of herself to a partner and a real relationship. And when that day comes for her, if she still has feelings for me, then she should contact me and see if I’m still single too and then maybe we can rebuild what we used to have. But as long as she makes no space in her life for me, I need to move on by myself and find someone who appreciates me. And then I’d immediately call her family and arrange to see them so I can more or less say the same thing: that I love their daughter, that I love them, but that it’s too hard and hurts too much to be treated like a nuisance, a maid, an afterthought.
You should not have stopped being friends with Marcy and what your girlfriend is asking is unreasonable. She does not have time to spend with you, but wants to dictate the person you spend time with in your free time?
I think the larger issue is that Marcy was telling you things your gf was not as it relates to the internship.
It is time for some real talk and decisions about what you want. Is this the type of relationship you want to have? It seems her career and boss are her focus and she has made that clear. You need to decide what that means for you.
This sounds Devil Wears Prada adjacent.
She is 22 years old. This is the time she has to work on her career. It also sounds like you barely had any friends. You should make friends and focus on yourself and your career. It sounds like this internship could make her future and also, it’s good for networking.
I disagree with people here she is having an affair with her boss, etc. This sub is notorious for the number of insecure men saying that women are always having affairs with coworkers. It happens to be that many men are in higher positions and women needs mentors or to have bosses. If she were a guy, nobody would say anything, and they would just say he is putting a lot of effort in the internship to work on his future.
The fact that you have no people to talk other than her parents says something about how isolated you seem to be. Make friends! And not women from the gym. Pick up a hobby, or think about your career and if you can be studying something.
I also read your comment that you are unsure about careers and are studying. Maybe put yourself more on that.
It sounds like your GF is your whole world and that’s not healthy for you or for her.
Really sounds like she’s banging the boss.
Long hours that no one else works. Weekends that no one else works. Always talks to her boss when no one else does. Doesn’t want to talk about how she is never home. Boss touches her and calls her nicknames.
I don’t see how it could be anything else. Other people who *work with your girlfriend* say that *they don’t do anything like your gf does* for work. They don’t talk to their boss outside of work. They don’t work until 10 every day. They don’t work weekends. Doesn’t sound like a competitive internship if she’s the only one doing this right?
Also a red flag that when you started talking to someone she works with she made you stop talking to that person. She is controlling the flow of information so you only get it from her.
Its possible that she does actually not have control over this and it’s the boss taking an unhealthy interest in her. But, We’ve got so much for the “cheating with the boss” pile, and only a little in the “actually working hard and being pursued by her boss” pile.
It is completely ok for her to put her career above your relationship if that’s what she wants.
It is completely ok for you not to want to put her career over your relationship.
Even if there isn’t anything fishy going on – and there is, if you’re never invited to go out with her and her work friends while other partners are – even then, it doesn’t mean you have to be ok with this arrangement.
It just seems like you two want different things. You want a partner that supports you and spends time with you. She wants a partner that supports her while she focus on her professional growth.
Honestly, this kind of commitment should happen only if the couple is very very firm in their relationship and it has a time limit. It has to be talked about and agreed beforehand. It doesn’t seem to be the case, right?