I haven’t seen a friend in 6 years and I was planning to hang out with them. I asked them when they were free to hang out, and they just copy and pasted that they’re free when they’re done with their homework. So I asked them what time specifically they’re free to plan around it and mentioned they don’t plan for a specific time. They also mentioned they don’t hang out with guys one-to-one, and then wanted me to ask my friend if she wanted to hang out with us. Well, I did and she asked for a time and how long we’d plan to hang out for and I couldn’t give her a concrete answer so she wasn’t interested. It kind of wasted everyone’s time because of that.
Does anyone have advice on how word or be direct about how them not planning for a specific time is not practical or considerate? To me it doesn’t seem that way because if we’re already working 40 hours a week and free time is limited as is, it doesn’t seem considerate to expect others to block out half the day because it could be at any point in the day they are ready and want to go.
4 comments
“That doesn’t work for me – I have other responsibilities and interests that need time too. I want to spend time with you, but I need a specific time so I can meet my other needs as well. I can’t hang out with you if I can’t plan when.”
It clearly states their approach doesn’t work for you, provides a reason why you need a time, reminds them you want to spend time with them and they are important to you and states that you won’t if they aren’t willing to meet you part way.
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I would let her plan the hangout.
Some people are bad at giving time estimates for stuff. It sounds like from their perspective they’re thinking something like:
“how am I supposed to know when I’m free in the evening, if homework has so much variance? I don’t want to give a promise that I can’t keep, and I can’t think of any methods to guarantee free time – so spontaneous is all I can do.”
I’m more on your schedule where I can’t do spontaneous stuff at all, but I think it’s important to remember that people don’t necessarily have volatile schedules by choice. It’s also important to remember that like half the population hates the idea of blocking out time in advance, while the other half hates *not* blocking out time in advance, so it’s not an objective fact that leaning spontaneous is inconsiderate.
The easiest or most normal solution is for you to periodically block out a reasonable amount of time where you *could* hang out with them, if they’re free, but if they don’t message you you do something else. For example “I’ll check in next Thursday at 7:00 if you’re around. If you’re done homework, we can meet up for 7:30. Otherwise I’ll do something else.”
^ the idea is that you get your control over the time window to potentially expect a hangout (make you have an alternative plan) and they get clarity regarding whether or not they’re actually free.