BF lied about criminal past. Would you immediately break up or forgive?

42 comments

1. I understand how difficult this situation must be for you. You may be feeling angry, confused, and overwhelmed. While I cannot tell you what you should do in this situation, I want to encourage you to take the time to figure out what is best for you. You deserve to be in a secure and trusting relationship. Take some time away from the relationship, talk to a close friend or family member about your situation, and consider seeking some professional help if needed. At the end of the day, you need to decide for yourself if you trust your partner enough to stay in the relationship.

2. You’re a fool if you forgive someone with assault and robbery charges who withheld that information from you until cornered.

   He has assault charges. You haven’t gotten to the point where people start showing who they really are. At the very least he has a bad temper and uses his fists to speak, and that could be turned on you very easily.

3. Do you want to be his next victim?

4. A detail you left out: how old was he when he did these things?

5. I understand someone not telling you this stuff in the first few dates, but the time period between when it’s still very early and too late has clearly passed. Like you say, you can’t know the reality of what happened, and given the numerous incidents, that they were still fairly recent, and he clearly had no intention of telling you any time soon if ever…he even said he chose not to tell you because of fear you’d leave him, which is a very good indication that he knows most people would leave him and that he knowingly withheld that info from you beyond just feeling ashamed or guilty, but to selfishly keep you unaware. I don’t know how you’d ever get past all that. And if those are just the charges he’s gotten, there’s bound to be other incidents that simply never made it to the court system.

   You’ll be worried about the kind of person he is, worried about if you can trust him, worried about if he might become violent (given his assault history), worried about what else he could be hiding and if he’ll share things with you in the future that may not have even happened yet…it’s a lot.

6. Dump him. He’s a repeat offender AND A LIAR and bragged about getting away with it. Assault?? No ma’am.

7. dont play around with violent charges

8. The assault could possibly be ok based on the circumstances, the robbery, NEVER OK ever not even maybe. Would be immediate in my book.

9. Turning your life around is something that’s definitely possible, even if you were once on a really bad path.

   But you know what a good sign of someone who really changed is? Being open about it. Saying “Yeah, I did horrible things in my past. I did X and Y and Z, but I changed. I took steps A and B to ensure it won’t happen again (= cutting bad friends out, going to therapy, things like that).”

   If someone has a bad record, then being able to be trustworthy is one of the most important things. Trust grows from honesty, open communication and true regret.

   But this man here has shown none of it. He has been keeping information you deserved to have as his partner from you. And, even worse in my eyes, is the fact that he is justifying his actions. “Just fighting” and “it happens” are not things someone who truly regrets his past would ever say. Someone who regrets what happened would say “I should have never let myself be provoked like that”, “I should have left the area”, “It was a huge mistake”, “I took therapy for my anger issues so that I will never hurt someone again unless it’s absolutely needed self-defense”, “I hung out with a bad crowd, never again” or something along those lines.

   His justification of his actions shows that he hasn’t changed and isn’t truly sorry. He is sorry that you learned about it and that he couldn’t get away with hiding this side of him anymore. But he isn’t sorry for assaulting those people – because “it happens”. As such, he is a dangerous person. Even if he won’t touch you – which you don’t know – you have no clue whom he might assault. Maybe the stranger who accidentally knocks you over. Maybe a male friend because your boyfriend gets jealous.

   This man’s statements have shown you he is a danger to those around you and that he has no respect for other people, their health and belongings. Think about if this is someone you can feel safe and happy with.

10. Before you go out with someone for the first time, do a quick background check. Does what they tell you about themselves match up with what’s online? Employment, homeownership, addresses, marriages and divorces, criminal cases in your state’s courts, etc.

    This is a simple step that women can do to minimally protect their health and safety, and maybe their hearts. Always make sure that your date is who you think he is. Minimize your risks. Be selective. There’s never a rush on single guys.

11. I could get past someone robbing a business as long as they didn’t hurt anyone in the process. Sometimes people do stupid shit when they need money and I’d rather them rob a closed business than a person. I’d definitely want to know why he did it though, like what was the money for?

    Now the fighting, if it’s a guy on guy fight I could get past that, as well. However, you might wanna make sure that the assault charges were really fights with guys and that he wasn’t hitting women.

    Sometimes people are put in situations where they make poor choices, that doesn’t mean we should write them off. People make mistakes and grow from them all the time.

    The one thing I would have a problem with here would be him lying to me.

    ETA: I grew up with a lot of good folks who made bad decisions and I don’t necessarily believe committing a crime makes someone a bad person. Everyone else is entitled to their own opinion on the subject, that’s just mine.

12. Yeah he was hiding it from you until you got too attached and would feel guilty for leaving him. That’s manipulative af.

    Also, if you’re in the US, that’s on his record forever and will impact his ability to get a job, a mortgage and travel. That affects your life too.

13. I’m just here to say, see what you can dig up online. Where I am, you can type “[province] court registry” and type in someone’s name it pulls up their past court cases. He didn’t tell you the truth, he never confessed. His friend just fucked up.

    For me, I would immediately break up. He is violent and a big-time liar. Either would be a deal breaker, together is just toxic.

14. Assault against who?? I’d be worried that he has a temper and get violent.

15. Look up his crimes. They’re public information. You might want a comprehensive background check also.

16. I wouldn’t bother digging. Spend that time leaving. Do you live together?

17. This guy isn’t a good guy.

18. Tell him you want to see the police records on both assault charges, this way you have the full story. Maybe he has changed but either way it’s best to be fully informed

19. You can go to the courthouse and get his arrest record for free. I used to work for the department of corrections and I never saw these types of ppl before, sweeter than pie but I would look up info for them and the crimes did not fit who I was talking to. It was a big wake up call that I could tell a good guy from a bad. Good luck, it’s always better to be over-cautious with your safety. Ppl surprise ppl everyday.

20. Criminals aren’t like the rest of us. He probably sees every situation as an opportunity to take advantage. Don’t subject yourself to that. Break it off imo.

21. I have a story.

    When I was 16, almost 17, I was living with my 20 year old boyfriend. (I didn’t know anything about grooming then, but he groomed me when I was just 15)

    One day we were outside fixing his car, and a guy I didn’t know came up and started yelling at my bf, getting in his face, screaming something his sister, and then before he left he turned to me and said “please listen to me, you are in danger with this guy.” My boyfriend told me that he was just crazy, and I brushed the incident off.

    A month later, he was arrested for aggravated assault. He told me that it was a small fight that was blown out of proportion, and I foolishly stayed with him.

    By the next year though he was regularly beating me. I would try to leave and he would stalk me and force me to go back home with him. It took me a long time to get away from him for good, I didn’t have any family to help me, and I needed a restraining order for awhile. He still tries to reach me on social media 20 years later.

    I wish I would have listened to the first warning about him.

    You’re really lucky to be learning this about your BF now, instead of later on when he’s getting violent with you. Because based on his past, there’s a really good chance that he will.

    Don’t blow this off please, this is your chance to keep yourself safe.

22. This one is easy.
    Get away from him.
    First of all **he lied to you.**
    Second of all **his lie was about him assaulting and robbing people?**

    You need to raise your standards. You can do better than a lying criminal.

    Be strong. Sending love your way.

23. He lied. Then minimized. He will never stop manipulating you.

    He’s a violent man. Who will lie to you.

    Is there really a choice here?

    Can’t wait for the update. “Pregnant and convict boyfriend is in jail for assaulting my father. What should I do?”

24. If I were you I’d ask to see copies of the court paperwork so you can see both sides. He’s lied to you about having a criminal record so it’s only fair you see things objectively since I would be wary to trust his word about it now.

    I dated someone with a record. When I first met him he told me it was all juvy for gang shit and assaults as a teenager and he didn’t like to fight and has grown up since then. I learned throughout the relationship that he absolutely loves fighting, had a DUI, a domestic violence restraining order from his ex (and now one from me as well), had kids I didn’t know about, committed all sorts of fraud, did meth and coke, and committed a drive by shooting. Also I still have my suspicions that he’s still active in the gang since he tagged constantly. So yeah there could be a mountain of shit you truly don’t know about.

    Also this isn’t to say people with records or that have done criminal shit in the past are bad. I have also met people who have done some really bad shit when they were young and have truly left that in the past. This is why I say view the paperwork so you know if he has more to lie about. If I had even looked my ex up on the county record search before I dated him I would have seen that he had 2 criminal cases and a restraining order.

25. Yeah, take those marinara flags and run.
    It has only been 8 month and he already lied about something very important. Do you want to be the next person he assaults?

26. Depends. Misdemeanor yes, felony no. The latter is a deal breaker because it would seriously hold them back (and you as a result) in life. If either of you come from a good family that can support you both then it might not be that big of an issue. But I only have myself and cannot afford to take that risk.

27. Break up. No questions. Run. The fact that he lied about it is a huge red flag.

28. I wouldn’t want to continue building a relationship with someone who decided to build ours on a bed of lies.

    He deliberately did not tell you about his RECENT criminal past. If it were me, I’d be done with this relationship.

29. He also got involved in two separate serious fights (hopefully not with girlfriends…) when he was already in his twenties. Has he taken any concrete steps to address his anger issues (e.g. anger management classes, medication in case of an underlying mental health issue, consultations with therapists)? How did he frame the assaults he was involved? Is he remorseful? Has he taken steps to make amends with the people he hurt? For me, these are the questions you should be asking, if him withholding information and coming clean only hen he was caught is not enough of a deal-breaker.

30. If you message me his name I can look up his records, i pay a monthly fee for public records and can see peoples charges and arrests.

31. You can always go on your state’s website And look it up. Or just Google his name.

    I wouldn’t be happy about this at all!

32. He’s obviously dishonest and criminal. Not a good start for you in life. Id guess eventually he will treat you bad unless he’s reformed completely. Assault is very concerning too. I advise you to leave.

33. Assault and burglary. NOPE. “Just fighting” ? I doubt it. He LIED to you about having a criminal record, so now that he got caught, he’s going to soft peddle the facts. I would bet my right arm the assault charges are for romantic partner violence.

    RUN OP, RUN FAR AWAY.

34. I just want to point out that the police and prosecutors don’t generally waste their time on small scuffles or simple bar fights. In order to actually get arrested and charged with assault, you almost always have to do something *bad*.

35. Dude….he LIED to you about something pretty big. And it was recent. I’ve been in this spot… lose the guy.

36. >He said he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want me to leave him.

    I want to highlight this because it’s probably the biggest red flag here. His past is what it is, and that may or may not be fine with you, but – by not telling you, he TOOK AWAY your opportunity to make a decision about him with ALL of the information you should have had to make that decision in the first place.

    He hid his past for 8 months – long enough to hook you, and then it came out. That’s a gigantic red flag large enough to BLOT OUT THE SUN, and you should act accordingly.

    I mean think about that for a second.

    “I cheated, but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me”

    “I drained our bank account to gamble it away, but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me”

    “I raped a girl back in my college days, but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me”

    “because I didn’t want you to leave me” is just about the **opposite** of an excuse. It’s literally “I omitted important information, thereby tricking you into thinking I was someone other than who I really am, in order to get you to date me”

    So once again – you met a dude, thought he was cool, started dating, got to know him a bit, he seems nice, and you decide to get into a relationship, because based on everything you knew at that point, he seemed like a good dude.

    He deliberately hid that information from you in order to get you. He deliberately allowed you to make the decision to date him while omitting information that might have affected your decision. 100% shady and really messed up that he took that away from you.

    Please leave this dude. None of this will go well. Do you want to date someone who expresses themselves with their fists? Do you want to date a thief?

    Good luck, girl.

37. So these events were recent and not when he was a young teenager. He is also still actively on probation and hid that from you. He also is downplaying the severity of his actions (claiming these things happen). Not looking good. No one would judge you for breaking up with him. This was a huge betrayal of trust to keep such major info from you.

38. Look up exactly what he did.

    Your next step depends on how truthful he was about his charges and convictions. Was he honest about them when he was finally cornered? How serious are these actual charges/convictions? How is the other person doing?

    Then ask your BF upfront. What is your BF doing to never do something like that again? Why did he do those things? Is there anything else you should know?

    I’ll be honest. If I found out the person I am dating went off on someone for spouting Nazi bullshit….I would probably be okay with that. Hell, I **have** thanked someone for drunkenly cold clocking a racist, sexist, homophobic asshole. I literally said “thank you for punching him” and gave that person a hug.

    If what he says doesn’t match up with the charges, if what he says downplays how serious or not those charges are….I would be seriously rethinking the relationship. Not necessarily that he kept this from you, but that he isn’t owning up to it and taking responsibility for it, which tells me he may be put in a position where he does the same thing again.

    If he takes responsibility for it? If he punched a Nazi? I dunno. That’s worth a serious talk about your relationship, but I can’t say one way or another what you should do.

39. I would immediately break up.

40. There’s a reason he hid it from you, I would definitely look up his records and see what they say but be prepared to leave.

    Anecdotally, I dated someone who waited 6 months to let me know they were a felon. We talked about it and it was from when he was 17 and it was also breaking and entering / grand theft due to the amount stolen by him and some other guys. He’s got no record since (he’s 40) and is literally the nicest person. I kept dating him because it was nonviolent and while I wasn’t happy he kept it from me for so long I’m still glad he finally told me and I didn’t find it from someone else.

    Violent crimes are an immediate pass. Especially if they’re recent.

41. jesus – um why would you stay with someone with a violent RECENT criminal history?

    no offense but that’s undeniable a horrible and risky decision.

    you’re asking IF you should break up with him?

    What good reason is there to stay with someone who not only routinely breaks the law being a burglar but also settles arguments with his hands…..

    i would never victim blame but you’re choosing to put yourself in this situation with this violent man who do you think is going to happen??

    and this was JUST two years ago…..girl

42. I *didn’t* google someone once.

    It came out that he **murdered** his ex and got off on a technicality.

    He convinced me it was all a smear campaign and it was an accident.

    Then he almost killed me.

    **RUN**