I (19F) have never been in a relationship. Throughout adolescence, I was fully convinced that I would never experience love, never be approached romantically, never be seen as a potential partner. Only this year have things changed. Several friends (21M, 21M, 20M, 26M, 24M) approached me with interest in a relationship, which was surprising and heartwarming each time. However, I never could reciprocate their feelings. I have still not felt that ardour I expect.
I do not know to what I should attribute this. Am I just an awfully cold woman? I have long considered myself a romantic, so that does not seem to be the case—but why am I therefore so choosy? I should be overjoyed that anyone sees me in that way and take advantage of it while it lasts… at the same time, I shudder at the thought of hurting someone by not being able to love them wholeheartedly. How can I, who long considered myself completely worthless, be picky about these matters? Maybe it is because when I do enter a relationship, I want to give my whole self to the other, to be unbridled in my affection, to be certain. Maybe pining after certainty is a fool’s errand in the first place.
The closest I feel to love at the moment is an online friend; it is an interlingual exchange. He is in a relationship, however, if not the happiest one, so this is naturally off limits; I am just nursing feelings in vain.
I am not sure what to do with myself. Why can’t I bring myself to reciprocate?
TLDR: I am more choosy than I expected when it comes to romantic relationships, and I am afraid this makes me a bad person. I am not sure where to go from here.
3 comments
It’s very common to feel choosy when it comes to romantic relationships! It can be hard to let someone into your heart, and that is why you have the right to take your time and make sure the relationship is something you want. There is no need to rush in or settle; rather, take those feelings of uncertainty as a sign that you should continue looking for something deeper.
This tends to be especially true when you are comparing yourself against an online friend who’s in an unhappy relationship. A real-life relationship may bring with it things that cannot be replicated through a screen connection – so keep exploring what physical presence can offer.
Know that there isn’t just one person out there for everyone; we are perfectly capable of having loving relationships with many different people throughout our lives if given the chance. Above all, remember that it’ll take some patience and trust in your own instinct before committing yourself too deeply into a new love story – but this doesn’t make you less worthy than anyone else!
You should work on your self-esteem, which seems to be the actual problem that you have.
>but why am I therefore so choosy? I should be overjoyed that anyone sees me in that way and take advantage of it while it lasts
“Should”? What you “should” do isnt up to society, its up to you and how you operate. Being “choosy” or picky is your defense mechanism. Its what helps you navigate a world of good people….and shitty people. People who are not picky at all have their own set of issues to deal with.
>How can I, who long considered myself completely worthless, be picky about these matters?
No, thats why you are so picky. Because you are insecure and feel that you dont have value. You probably question everything happening because of your lack of self esteem. It all kind of stems from that. The good news is, your lack of self esteem is now turning into MORE self esteem due to this attention you’re getting.
Its ok to be picky. These things take time.
Just go at your own pace, and dont panic about your choosiness. You are that way for a reason.