should I marry him if I’m going to have to give up my career?

18 comments

1. Was the pre-marriage plan involving him leaving the military and not extending?

   Why did he, knowing the future he was creating?

2. That much negative emotion means you know it isn’t a good idea to pursue at this time. Marriage should be something you do with certainty. All of the stuff you booked is just that: stuff. If you are more upset about the hassle of the logistics of canceling than being without him for three years, then be without him for three years.

   He chose himself when he elected to extend his contract. You are allowed to choose yourself too.

3. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you what my cousin did in your exact position.
   She was pre-med and her dad was paying for her education. Every last dime. She broke up w a long time Bf because he was “too needy” & took from her study time and she couldn’t risk her future career.
   Some time later she meets a military guy and in months they eloped w o telling anyone. She dropped out of school and shortly after telling the family they eloped she moved w him to another country. No family, no friends etc. She is taking an online class now for something I have no idea what it is but not her dream.

   She has a minimum wage job while studying and became pregnant. She hates where she lives & has poor healthcare. She’s coming home to her parents to have her baby and isn’t going back to her home. She will get a home in the states and she said if he truly loves her he’ll buy them a home here near her parents and not re-enlist. She’s adamant she will not be going back over seas because she’s there alone always and miserable.

   She hasn’t said but the vibe I get is she wished she had stayed her course and by now she’d be a dr in her field.

   This will be something you have to answer to yourself. Not here unless you choose to do so. So as much as you love him is loosing absolutely everything for him really worth it in the long run? Will you be alone all the time like my cousin or will he be there w you? If you do go how long would it be before you see your family again?
   My cousin said it’s been torture for her not to know anyone nor speak the language enough to find new friends.

   You would have to find some job probably if you want to stay busy. My cousin said all she did for the longest was stay at home and watch tv. She broke down and found a job she could do w o being fluent in the language.

   This is a big decision but remember once you marry & move that will be your new life.

   Myself, I couldn’t do it as much as I love my wife I couldn’t give up everything especially my career that I studied & went to school so long for only to have a low paying entry level job. My wife is a nurse also and we talked when our cousin left. She said she couldn’t do what she did either.

   I’m not sure if I helped but I feel sharing my cousin’s story gives you an idea what it might be like.
   Best of luck

4. A person who elopes is not a responsible person. Don’t do that.

   I think it’s a bad idea to give up your identity. If you can’t bring your identity with you to another location, then postpone your wedding.

5. This is tough. Military spouses sacrifice so much for their husbands and our country. It’s incredibly admirable. But it has to be a decision that you make willingly. It has to be a partnership. Was this an involuntary extension?

6. My father was in the army and my mom gave up her career to move around the world with him. He changed jobs about every 5 years until he retired. You need to be willing to move around if he chooses to pursue his career. And you need to be flexible, and probably get used to being a pretty traditional wife. Consider all of it before going down the deep end.

7. It sounds like you’re more interested in the wedding than the reality of being married to this particular person.

8. I would ask him to explain again. There are some rare occasions where someone who may want to get out can’t. But from what I gather, he had 3 options. The first was to decline those orders and stay at his current duty station for the next 2 years. The navy generally will not move your duty station unless it’s for 3 years. The second was to accept the orders and extend for one year. The third was to accept the orders and reenlist for at least 3 years (5 years from now) while possibly getting a bonus. I’m curious if the first option really weren’t available and why. If it were available, you have to ask why he didn’t take it or discuss it with you. If it were not available, then he did take the better option. And unfortunately OCONUS moves can come with the territory of being a military spouse. I guess you’re realizing you’re not ready for that, and that’s okay. People like to hope love is enough, but it often isn’t.

9. Don’t do it. Don’t give up your life for this kind of future. He did what he did because he wanted to with no regards for your life, needs and wishes. This is not how a marriage should work. It takes TWO to make it work but he puts himself first. I’d re-think the whole relationship. You and your life are important, too.

10. The whole issue would be he made a decision which affected your immediate & long term future without discussing it with you. That does not bode well for a good marriage- what will the next major decision that he will make without your input? Everything else you mentioned could be worked out with a lot of compromising on both sides – but not with him making unilateral decisions. Sorry but I see this as a huge red flag to not marry at this time.

11. Okay, first of all, extending his contract and effectively deciding where you would live for the first three years of your marriage without consulting you is a huge red flag. It’s beyond inconsiderate that you were not a part of that decision process as his fiancée. Now he’s uprooted your life and career (I’m unclear why the dog couldn’t come along but that’s also terrible) without your input.

    Whatever you do, you need to be clear with him that that was not okay. You’re a person with your own life!

    Personally, this is not something I would go along with just to keep the peace and keep the wedding on. But you’ll have to think long and hard about this and make your own choices.

12. Oh sister, what’s a little 3 years abroad going to hurt when the reward is a lifetime happily ever after? Clearly you’ve got the whole concept of “marriage” all wrong. Get fucking eloped, and start the adventure of the rest of your life with your man god dammit! Your family will always be there, but missed opportunities just move on to the next lucky person.

    My high school bestie got married and left town to be with her husband. He was her hs school sweetheart, got accepted to Oregon State for football and had been scouted for the NFL. He chose to enlist in the army where he felt he was needed more he said. She followed him there without a question. They now have been gone for over 10 years, lived all over the world, have 3 beautiful children, and are literally thriving.

    Bottom line, life will be what YOU make of it. What matters at the end of the day is not what you’re wearing on your wedding day or who will be there to see you. It’s who you have standing across of you, hand in hand, while you vow to love and support each other for the rest of your lives.

    Good luck making a decision that could change the rest of your life.

13. This is a major red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩of his character: NOT DISCUSSING FUTURE PLANS. He should have sat down with you and explain what he wants to do. He can’t just spring this up out of the blue and sit there like ITS NOW YOUR TURN TO MAKE A CHOICE. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU DO THINGS TOGETHER, DISCUSS THINGS TOGETHER, MAKE PLANS TOGETHER.

    THIS was extremely unfair to you. He didn’t think how extending his contract will affect you.

    Imagine being married to a guy who, out of the blue decided to lend 50k to his parents without discussing it with you? In the spur of the moment decided to go to Florida for his friends wedding knowing full well that you planned to see your parents in Vegas, TOGETHER AS A COUPLE for that same week.

    This is miscommunication at its finest and he showed how thoughtless he is.

    I have a brother who served. You are told WAY AHEAD OF TIME IF YOU WANT TO add more years to serve.

    Instead of feeling sad, I say BE PISSED OFF.

    You need to consider how his behavior will affect you in the long run.

14. You knew he was in the Navy and postings happen. Japan has hospitals that need nurses. You could work. If you don’t want or can’t be a military wife which requires a huge sacrifice then don’t marry him.

15. I wouldn’t give up my career to move to Japan 3 years. Don’t get me wrong, Japan is great, but you won’t be able to do anything. Your career will suffer. Language is difficult to learn. It will be difficult for you to make friends outside of other Navy wives.

    All the wedding stuff is just stuff. I would cancel now and get back all of your deposits.

    I would postpone the wedding until he gets back after those 3 years.

16. Your fiancé is telling you he’s going to stand you up at your wedding. Is he offering to offset the cost of canceling the wedding or is he planning on leaving you holding the bag?

    There’s no way he HAS to sign a contract that has him gone in 10 months. And even then there’s usually leave granted, he couldn’t work in a week off for his wedding and honeymoon into the contract?

    It doesn’t sound like your fiancé is making much space for you in his life, he makes the decisions and expects you to do all the legwork to stay together. Listen to your gut, don’t give up your life for someone who isn’t making an effort to be in yours.

17. He added an extra year without talking to you first?

    Nope. Do not tie yourself to someone who makes decisions that big without discussing it.

    If it’s really the case that he has no choice, then that would have become clear in your conversation, and you could have accepted together that this is the right thing to do.

18. You all didn’t discuss this? He just upped his orders?