I’ve been hanging out with this guy for about two months now. We get along very well and have a great time, every time. We’ve hooked up a couple times but recently I started noticing that he’s growing attached to me and beginning to say he misses me and ALWAYS asks to see me. So naturally I started to distance myself and reminded him that we were only friends. I am not looking for a serious relationship and made that very clear in the beginning. (Literally the 2nd time we hung out to make sure he knew where I stood)
Long story short, he confessed that he liked me and wanted more but was afraid to tell me because he didn’t want to “pressure” me into anything or cause me to stop talking to him. Well, he was right. I told him that we couldn’t continue to see each other because it was causing confusion and I didn’t want to mislead him.
But he swears up and down that he understands what I want and that we can be friends only as we have been and he wants to continue our relationship as it’s been. He also said that our relationship isn’t causing confusion and all he wants is to have more “adventures” with me.
He’s super fun to be around, we’re always laughing and trying new/crazy things so I’d like to keep him as a friend but don’t know if it’s possible anymore. I’ve had FWBs before and have been able to remain only friends the entire time so I’m wondering if that is still possible for us? I’d hate to lose him as a friend but will if he can’t handle his emotions because he’ll definitely end up hurt if he can’t.
Any advice or past experiences is much appreciated!
4 comments
Well obviously stop sleeping with him. Whether or not it can continue depends on the person. I will say that if you start fucking another guy there’s a good chance your friend is going to wreck your friendship with jealousy. So be mindful of that. He already said he has feelings for you and wants more. Those dont suddenly disappear. And there’s a good chance he wants to continue the friendship in hopes of making you fall for him.
My recommendation is take some space. Stop communication with him for a few months so he can have some time to move on from you. Just let him know you’re willing to continue the friendship but you want a bit of space for now for you both to be able to adjust feelings and expectations. Cut communication for 3 or so months then try again later. Hopefully by that time some of his unrequited feelings will have dissipated
I think it depends on the people involved. I met a guy on tinder, we had a good, years long casual fwb relationship with a lot of trust & mutual emotional support and also a lot of laughs.
I started catching feelings (rare for me), which I confessed along with the fact that I still didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship despite the feelings, he very kindly rejected me, we kept having casual sex and I processed my feelings by myself outside the bedroom.
Quite a good long time later, he told me he had met a girl & they were going monogamous, but he wanted to be platonic friends with me. I was a little sad but mostly happy for him. He was true to his word and although we don’t really hang out in person much (his partner was experiencing some insecurity, which I think she then processed through, but then Covid happened so no more hang outs) we still message & laugh a lot.
I’m really happy for their happiness, and hearing updates on their relationship also made me realize that a straight monogamous relationship would never have worked for me.
I think with very upfront and honest communication, including both people being honest with themselves and aware of what they want, it can work. I will also say tho that as soon as he told me about his new relationship, my mind categorized him as a hard nope in the sexual department. I have always had very firm boundaries between friendship & sex, & have never had any friend move into my lover category.
The part of our relationship that was sexual feels like something that is locked away in the past, I have positive feelings about how the whole thing went, but if I try and think about it the memories are super vague and I feel kind of like “ewww” (again not in a bad way, more like good natured & dismissive if that makes sense?)
That being said, if you catch the vibes that he still wants more and is telling you it’s ok just so he can still be around you… I would say trust your instinct and put distance. I know people are responsible for communicating & caretaking their own feelings, but it’s happened to me several times that a fwb or friend wanted more and I did not, & they continued wanting more after I told them that. I felt bad for them that they didn’t take the space for themselves so I eventually had to make the hard choice & dead it.
TLDR; in my experience, if he’s being honest about letting go of those feelings and being platonic, it can work. If you sense he’s got ulterior motives, even if it’s just questions popping up in your mind, put distance.
I was the guy in this scenario. An fwb I had was genuinely one of my favorite people to hang out with in general, along with all the usual fwb perks. One day she started distancing herself and also explained the situation respectfully and I just acted like it didn’t bother me (it did). Not gonna lie, I started to slowly hate her and myself and we stopped talking all together not too long after that. I will say however, I was 17. I’m not sure how old you two are but if you’re at least mid 20s I would hope he’s mature enough to handle himself
Okay so –
I’ve had this experience with a fwb. We met on Tinder, we were _extremely_ compatible sexually. We talked and chatted a lot. The deal has always been a fwb deal because I am poly and already have primary partner and he isn’t poly. So he and I can never have a relationship.
In the end, I got very attached. He loves the sex he has with me but he was ready to try a real relationship with another woman.
So I backed off. I cried for 2 weeks straight. We stopped the sex and the sexting. Platonic talk only. We met up a few times for lunch and was strictly platonic. Met at restaurant, didn’t even go into his place.
Fast forward a few months went by. I got over him, had a new fwb.
Another few months went by. He went through a difficult breakup with his gf. So we met up, I was ready to lend a shoulder for him to cry on. We had lunch.
Later he got a new gf. Our relationship stayed friendly and platonic.
Now, after another few months – he broke up with the new gf again. It just didn’t work out.
We had sex again – just because. We are each other’s type, we are so comfortable with each other sexually, we are always objectively sexy in each other’s eyes. But strangely, I’m just not so into him anymore. It’s just that I spent months and months friendzoning him because he was in relationships. I find that I can’t switch it on and off easily and quickly.
Anyway. The end verdict is that – we really do love each other as friends. We can talk about many things. I care deeply for his well-being. He’s gonna go to Japan soon for a couple years.
So I say, yes, you can be friends with a fwb. But for me, it took time for the intense feelings to fade.