Hi,
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact i have a lot of codependent traits – stemming from a toxic and abusive past relationship that was filled with gaslighting (which had me googling early onset dementia as it fucked with my memory so much). Due to this, I’m always doubting my own feelings, thoughts and actions.
I have recently met a girl who I thought had ticked all the boxes and I thought I was in love. I do really enjoy alot of her values and the experiences we share. However, I was in love with the idea of acceptance, attention and security. This girl wants to remain single, to explore her bisexuality that was suppressed throughout her life. She doesn’t get with other men and she also makes sure that the girls she does sleep with know about her and I first. We both aren’t ready for a relationship (which i have only just figured out) as I need to build a foundation of higher self-esteem, self-respect and self-acceptance. I have told her that I’m not sleeping with anyone else and basically I am monogamous to her. I don’t have any interest in sleeping with other women at the moment, but i will admit in the past I have had resentment over her ability to explore but im unable to. I know if i suggest the idea she will go back to sleeping with men and it’ll be a backward step. She says she loves me, and is 100% certain on a future with me when she is ready. I told her that i have been reflecting, and am going to consciously live more in the moment and enjoy the times we spend together rather than obsessing on a future that hasn’t arrived, and so we can actually connect and grow our love for one another. Although accepting to this, she said she has a lot of reflection to do because of my view on her with other women (I told her that I will cut things off if I start to feel any sense of being not good enough, insecure or disrespected) and a few other things i have mentioned (she is a feminist and some times i have stuck up for males).
With all this in mind. Do you think it’s possible to heal from codependency whilst being in this situation? Or do you think it will be detrimental on my wellbeing?
Thanks
2 comments
It is possible to heal from codependency while in this situation, but it can be very difficult. You may need to take a step back and look at it objectively before you make any major decisions or changes. Look into therapy and resources that teach more about healthy relationships and the impact of codependency. Make sure you are setting healthy boundaries with your partner and communicating them clearly so that respect is mutual between the two of you. Lastly, have realistic expectations for yourself – healing takes time and staying mindful of your progress will help keep you motivated as things get better over time.
I think the fact that you’re talking openly about what you each want and are comfortable with is a way more healing situation than active gaslighting and such. So yes, I think co-dependency can be healed into regular respect in this situation.
>I know if i suggest the idea she will go back to sleeping with men and it’ll be a backward step.
Could you elaborate on what this means to you?