I feel so alone and emotionless

Hey bros, I really need help. I just feel so lost at the moment and have no idea where to begin so that I can start fixing myself. Before the lockdown was first announced my social life was good. I was bubbly, nice and I just overall loved being around other people. When the lockdown happened, I continued my education online for about another year even though we had the option to go back to school. Now, I am currently on my gap year and I’ve spent most of it in my room. Which should be coming up to 2 years now that I’ve isolated myself.

During the year I did another year of online education it was because I was trying to pursue a girl I was romantically interested in at the time. She was from a diffent country so the only way I could talk to her was online. I was obsessed with her and spent everyday of that year just talking to her and I even began to ignore my studies. At the time, I thought that just talking to her was enough social interaction, as long as I was talking to her I was happy. However, I began to slowly stop responding to my friends when they’d invite me to hang out or when I was hanging out with them I was always glued to my phone just texting her. I slowly pushed most of my friends away and completely stopped talking to most of them. I still have a few friends that I’m close with, but we barely hangout or text as they are busy with university and work. I probably see my friends at max 2-5 times a month and I spend most of my time at home. I’ve also pushed my parents away and the girl. So most of the time, they just don’t bother talking to me since they know I’d just push them away.

After about a year, my relationship with the girl didn’t end up working out but we’re still friends and do keep in touch on a regular basis. However, the damages of the time I spent isolating myself for about a year already fucked me up and the effects of it continued to ripple down till now. At first, I just ignored it because I never believed that it would actually affect me but I was just being ignorant since it was actually affecting me the whole time. I just never really paid attention to the changes since I thought I was improving. After we broke up, I was super motivated. I worked out and did productive things such as coding and other things but I got so comfortable being alone and suppressing my feelings that I forgot to improve myself socially and mentally. Although I was hanging out with my friends more, I just felt like I wasn’t really there; kind of like I was disassociating, numb, and putting up a front. Even when I do a good deed for someone, I just feel numb. For me, it feels like im doing it out of common sense instead of actually really caring about it out of kindness.

This is when I began to worry and analyzed myself. After I did that, I realized that I’ve become more aggresive, less patient, low empathy, disassociative, very low self-esteem, arrogant, pushing people away, numbness, etc. The effects got worse when I caught covid and had to isolate fully. I felt so alone and so dead inside. I fell back into old bad habits and the effects became more aggressive. Now, I am more anti-social and often when I’d wake up I’d feel a great sense of dread come over me about the things that I regret and how sad my life currently is. I’ve pushed a lot of the people I love away and I do realize that I am slowly killing myself by isolating (not literally). I’ve fully accepted my situation instead of running away from it. I am willing to change but I don’t know where to start.