I tripled the size of my social circles in one year – here is how I did it

I was very withdrawn and shy when I was younger, and I had social anxiety. I recently found out I most likely have high-functioning autism too (a nurse who specialises in mental health told me she thinks it is aspergers, and several times I have been asked if I am on the spectrum). Socialising was always very tough for me, and I was often seen as the “weird kid” in school. I could not talk to girls without going red, even in the years after school into adulthood. When I went to parties, I kept to the people I knew, and made no effort to speak to others. I had a small social circle of good friends, which I was very lucky to have, but I still did not have much of a social life – I mostly just stayed at home playing video games and scrolling through reddit. In all honesty, this was heavily depressing. After years of social stagnation, I realised I had a problem, and decided to fix it.

Fast forward a few years – I work in recruitment, and make cold-calls with ease. I had never used a phone in a professional setting before this job, but within weeks I was getting complimented on how good I am at talking to others on the phone. People call me confident, I’m going on dates, and I find myself making new friends with ease. I go out multiple times a week and often have to choose between multiple options when I want to go out, as people like to have me around, and I approach every social situation with confidence that people will like me, and get along with me. I have about 5 or 6 large social groups (10+ people each) I could talk to to go on nights out if I want to.

Most of these changes happened within the last year, but prior to this I had pushed myself to read self-help books on confidence, charisma, likeability, motivation, discipline and more. I watched lectures, read psychology, and studied philosophy in my own time to learn as much as possible to fix my mindset. In the last year, I applied what I learned.

I realise now that there are many things I am doing differently, but the main thing is all about building meaningful connections. This makes people like me more, which makes them invite me out more, which makes me more confident, which makes me more likeable – creating a positive feedback loop.

Here is how I make connections with people:

1. **Respect.** Some people say that respect has to be earned, not given. I think that is terrible advice. I treat others very highly, and 9 times out of 10 they reciprocate as a result. If they do not give this back, then I withdraw my respect. I make an effort to be polite, thoughtful, and empathetic to others. I always try to be understanding of the other persons situation, and rarely hold things against them. While you may sometimes misplace your respect this way, I find it leads to immediately strong rapport. Whenever someone has misused my respect within a social circle, it always comes back to bite them. I have the respect of many people to back me up, which I have built over time through this mindset.

2. **Generosity**. Whenever people come round to my house (usually for a party), they almost always invite me out more, and get in touch afterwards. I always cook people food, give them drinks, and offer them a place to sleep over. These are small gifts, but mean a lot – I make sure they know that I am giving them these gifts intentionally. I share the things I have, and others do the same in return. Even just a simple thing such as getting someone a glass of water if they need it, or offering some chewing gum. Gifts are a very powerful thing, and there is a lot of psychology out there that backs this up.

3. **Compliments.** I talk about people positively, but most importantly I talk about people positively when they are not around. When that person is not around, you can actually make these compliments as positive as you like and they will not be seen as flattery as the person is not there (it is hard to explain, but it has a different effect, in a good way). These compliments always end up reaching the recipients ears.

4. **Smiling.** Most impressions are made upon meeting someone, and the moment you leave. I make sure both these points of seeing someone are positive, and I do so with a smile. When I speak to someone, I hold a slight smile when I speak. The conversation feels more naturally positive as a result too. I never will force a smile though – through habit, smiles come naturally to me now. Smiling can actually make your mindset more positive too, so see if you can smile more in your own time. Watch comedy, recall good memories, think about things that are going well for you right now, and focus on them. Practice gratitude, and cast away negativity (especially negative people!).

5. **Forgiveness.** When someone does something wrong, I will not ignore it, I will mention it (you do not want others to walk over you). But I do so in a forgiving way, unless what they did was genuinely disrespectful. I want people to know that I do not stand for disrespect, but at the same time they are not walking on egg-shells around me. I have a thick skin, but I stand my ground if needed. When you forgive others, they will be more forgiving to you.

6. **Not caring what others think.** Story time: I recently went out to a club with a friend, who is close friends with some very *expressive* gay men. They came with us, and I remember earlier on in the night one made a comment about how another straight friend does not usually dance near them. They did not say this in a bad way, but more of an understanding way as they know how it may look. I did not care though, and I danced with their group. One of them told me afterwards how he respected me a lot for not caring what others think, and he thanked me. I do not judge others, and I will always unapologetically be myself. I do not change myself around others.

7. **Being inclusive.** If I am with a group and notice someone being left out, I intentionally talk to them with intent to bring them into the main groups’ conversation. I will ask them questions, and get them engaged. I used to be that person, so I feel a lot of empathy for them. They always seem thankful, and I tend to instantly gain more respect from them.

8. **Staying in touch**. If you meet someone, go on a night out with them, or have a conversation with them, then text them at a later date. Bring up the memory, and invite them to something else. Or, just chat to them a bit, and maybe they will invite you to something. Even if it has been months, still do this. I have reconnected with old friends this way – I just start talking to them again like we never stopped talking.

9. **Vulnerability.** I am not afraid of being vulnerable, and I do so unapologetically. I speak my mind, and I am not afraid to look like a fool sometimes. It is good to take chances – for example I mentioned my past anxiety recently to someone. I did so casually, and when they asked more I told them. I did so in a very self-assured way. When you share things like this with others, it shows that you are genuine, and they are more likely to share things with you. Make sure you choose a good time to do this though, it needs to somehow relate to what you are talking about/doing already. Some people take this vulnerability thing way too far.

10. **And lastly – MAKING AN EFFORT TO GO OUT YOUR COMFORT ZONE.** It is not easy to build a social life. Sometimes you just want to stay at home, watch netflix/youtube, play video games, and just relax. But I push myself to go out, and meet people. I went to a party recently where I knew no one – I have never done this before in my life, and while I felt awkward at first, I had an amazing time. Now, despite the fact I have only met those people once, I have an “in” when it comes to hanging out with them again, since I met them already and got along with them. I go out 2-3 times every week now, I literally get invited to multiple things a night and have to choose, I have that many options. Just a year ago, I would be lucky to go out once a month. I talk to people without thinking “will I get along with them” or “will they like me”. This thought does not cross my mind. My goal is to be myself in social situations, that is all. If you are confident that you are a good person deep down, then everything will fall into place. If you are not confident in yourself, do what I did and read self-help books, psychology, philosophy or whatever you think will help you, and focus on becoming your best self first.

I am not perfect; I am constantly evolving and learning. Never become complacent with yourself, and always be seeking to improve yourself. This growth mindset is ESSENTIAL to avoiding issues like imposter syndrome, or anxiety, or depression. You may not be able to be who you want to be – but the right mindset is to add the word “YET” to the end of that sentence. Fix in your mind your ideal self, always be striving to be that person, and you will love the process – the results are an incredible feeling. Everything else will follow if you have this approach.