I (27f) have been with my boyfriend (27m) for a little less than a year. We have a stupid amount of fun together and I’m really enjoying being with him. It’s definitely the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. I’m bi and only recently started exploring that, and we’ve started having threesomes with women. We both have a lot of fun with this new part of our sex life.
The problem is I fucking hate the way I look. I believe I have body dysmorphic disorder and I’ve struggled with depression and poor body image for over a decade. I’m also on a very rigorous academic program which has made it difficult to eat well and go to the gym consistently. As a result I’ve put on a little flab, especially around my stomach. This has made me feel even more repulsed by my reflection, and I can’t help but voice my disgust to my partner. I hate doing it but I’m constantly body checking, seeking validation and reassurance, changing my outfit multiple times, etc. I know this wears on him.
It’s also affecting our sex life. At the start of our relationship I was much better at hiding my insecurities and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Now we have sex maybe once or twice a week. I think my low self-esteem is a turnoff for him, as is my pudgier body (though he would never say it). Our sex life with other people has taken a hit too. While I enjoy sleeping with women and it’s genuinely so hot to watch my bf with other women, I can’t help but compare myself to them. They’re gorgeous and trim and I feel like absolute garbage in comparison. I think my partner deserves to be with the kind of women we see, not someone like me.
I’m in therapy and on SSRIs, and my bf tries so hard to make me feel beautiful. I just can’t believe him.
People who have been in a similar situation–either as the insecure person or the person trying to combat their partner’s low self esteem–how have you gotten through this? I’m so in love with my bf and really don’t want to sabotage this
tl;dr I hate my body and it’s negatively affecting my partner’s wellbeing and our sex life. How do I work through this?
3 comments
IMHO, this is not a body dysmorphia issue, this is an issue of threesomes amplifying insecurities. That’s generally the issue with threesomes, someone ends up unhappy.
Its painfully obvious your bf cares for you very much, this can be breaking point in relationships when/if you let your insecurities dictate where the relationship is headed.
10 years is quite a long time to be battling this, and definitely going to take a toll on your mental health until it cripples you.
I had *an EX* that sounds somewhat like you, and it eventually split is up, as the insecurities got so bad that she began to distrust women in general, but trusted me (so she said), otherwise our relationship was great.
Self acceptance and loving yourself is easier said than done, that being said it can be done. Plenty of self reflection, and not nit pick “faults” that only you may see, that make you feel less worthy to your partner.
[Pink – Don’t Let Me Get Me](https://youtu.be/asaCQOZpqUQ)
You look great btw, hopefully you will eventually come to this self realization.
You’re doing what you’re supposed to: you’re in therapy, you’re on medication to, hopefully, prevent this from spiralling too far out.
But as you must know: how you eat/work out is a red herring because people with BDD have a hard time ever accepting their body, no matter what they look like. That’s the whole point about it being dysmorphic: it’s a psychological issue, not a physical one.
I wish I had better advice for you here but BDD really is only overcome with time and work. It can help to remove triggers (people get rid of mirrors in their house, they don’t take selfies, they get off social media, etc.) but ultimately, the long-term work lies with you learning to accept and love your body.