I just started to realize this as I reached my 20s and I am finally growing into myself, but my entire life I have wondered why I was so isolated from everyone else and so closed off.
I had a very questionable childhood: My dad used to beat me up and punish me with written punishments and physical beating for being “ungrateful” or “a bad kid.” , I survived SA as an 11 year old, and at age 15, I had to support my mother and brothers on my own while our family went through a major break up that almost led to divorce. I was mess for a large portion of my life, and I had attempted and thought of su*cide many times before ( Even had fantasies and tried running away from him at one point.)
It never dawned on me how these experiences affected me until recently. I have started to regret many things and feel left out of many others: I regret giving up a love that could’ve been because I couldn’t dishonor my family, I feel like a missed on being normal and easy going with friends from back then. I regret having this latent fear within me that I can’t trust no one and anyone but myself and that everyone is out there to get me or use me. I regret being this stuck up because I don’t know how to loosen up in fear of my life crumbling away around me.
And now, while my friends are making friends, and falling in love; I am just starting to be myself and understanding what I want. I want to heal, but I am still scared, and the people around me aren’t really considerate of my struggles.
I don’t know what to do
1 comment
I am sorry about your past. You have been through a lot and it takes time and help to get through it. The good news is that you are only 20 and have plenty of time to figure out who you are and find people who you can trust. Other people may be in a different place than you but that does not mean that you are behind. You are where you are. Good luck with your journey to heal. Sounds like you are already moving in the right direction.