i want to have sex.
I enjoy sex.
but I can’t have sex, because I just can’t get in the mood. I rarely ever get horny, like at all. even if I start doing things with my partner, the most I’ll be is *in the mood*. I’ll tolerate sex, basically. most of the time, I have to stop early, because the mood isn’t strong enough. the amounts of times I’ve felt like I could freely fuck… well, if I counted I probably could do that on one hand. it’s not that I don’t enjoy it – I do. but I have to start in order to get in the mood, and then it’s not even certain that I will actually be in the mood. it’s not just sex either. I can’t even enjoy masturbating a lot. I’ll get off, but it’s more like I hit the right spot and it’s a physical thing that leads to an orgasm. I’ve been talking with my Gyn about it for probably like 2 years now, I’ve tried different pills, I’ve tried plant based medication, I’ve tried essentially everything that could lead to my libido being more. but it’s just non existent. I could go my whole life without sex, probably – but I don’t want that. I’m even strongly considering those injections women can give themselves half an hour before sex to get in the mood – basically female Viagra. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I’ve allowed my boyfriend to fuck other women because I’m not gonna be the reason he’s sexually frustrated. the only problem is – he doesn’t want to have sex with others, he doesn’t want me forcing myself to sex by taking meds or injections and he doesn’t pressure me into sex either, but I can still tell he’s sexually frustrated (of course he is, if I don’t push myself over that first edge we have sex maybe once a month, it’s been even less than that, too). I feel like I’m asexual, but I don’t want to be – it feels like a disease to me (please nobody take offense from this, it’s not meant as such and just my own personal feelings about how I myself personally feel!). I want to want sex. idk what the fuck to do. I have zero libido and it’s eating me alive. it’s destroying me, and from what I can tell it’s a lot worse for me than it is for my boyfriend. I’m so done not being able to fuck… so is being asexual a choice people can make? because what the fuck is wrong with me. I miss sex, I miss enjoying sex, and I know for a fact my boyfriend is not the reason for whatever is happening with me, because every time I do fully get into the mood I really enjoy it.
5 comments
Another thing that wont be helping is overthinking it.
Sometimes a mental block can form and cause stress which is the opposite of getting in the mood.
I suggest an intimate evening like candle lit dinner rose petals in the bath with a calming fragrance like jasmine and just enjoy eachothers company without sex. Who knows something might eventuate.
I’m very similar to you. I highly recommend you read the book Come As You Are. Some of what you’re describing is what’s called “responsive desire” (very common in women) vs. ” spontaneous desire ” (very common in men). There are probably other factors at play here too. You might be asexual or you might have a hormone imbalance or you might have sexual trauma/shame, etc.
Had your hormones checked?
I’d recommend you two go skydiving or track racing, just something to drive the adrenaline levels up to the max. Experiencing heavy action together is awesome for bonding and sexual tension, and people tend to instinctively want to fuck after the danger’s gone. It’s both relieving a possible mental block and playing with chemicals in your body.
I have no idea if it really helps, but you might as well try.
I feel like a skillful, sex-positive endocrinologist might be able to lend some more insight here.
Every function our body does comes from a system somewhere, and that includes libido. All our DNA is different, as is our life choices. Hormones have a non-trivial effect on what we feel, and feeling horny/randy feels like it definitely comes from hormones at least in part. They psychology that goes along with it supports it too, on the off chance there’s anything in your psychology that’s taking the fun out of it (I’m doubting it based on what I read but might as well check that possibility off.)
So I’m thinking a list of hormones that could be low, blood tests to see where yours are at. Testosterone could maybe be one. I know we think of it as being for men, but women have some too. If it’s really low, there are ways you could get some in your body. I’d also wonder about parallel systems like thyroid. Also checkable.
Another thought is, exercise has at least a chance to buff up libido systems. Muscles and such contribute, something primal about being in shape seems like it could help, or at least not make things worse.
The final piece of the puzzle I’d suggest is gathering up what things do make you horny, when you feel like you can be in the mood or at least get close. Maybe even a little notebook to jot down moments that gave a spark of libido. Erotic literature? Movies? Porn? Anything to boost your efforts could help if you had them in a list.
Anyway good luck!
And no, I don’t think it’s exactly a choice. It’s more like your body isn’t cooperating with what you want, but maybe it’s possible to hack it more in the direction you want it to go.