My bf(32) and I(27f) have been together for almost 3 years now. I’m very adventurous in the bedroom but my bf on the other hand is not. I love dressing in lingerie/costumes, role playing, using toys, trying different positions, etc.
In the early stages of our relationship I bought some sexy strap outfit and took some pics. I sent them to him and he wasn’t that excited…he brushed them off and changed the subject.
I brought it up to him later on and he told me that he’s not really into that. I asked him why and he told me that he would ask his ex a lot to dress sexy for him (pretty much begged her) and she would shut him down. He said that it made him feel pathetic and discouraged him so he pretty much gave up on all that…and as for toys and positions same thing she would just do missionary with him, he bought her toys and she’d call him stupid then throw them out. She would shoot down his ideas but did it with other men she cheated on him with. Whenever i mention trying new positions he just says he’s not into it, and refuses to try the toys I buy.
I’ve told him that this is a whole new relationship and it’s something I enjoy. I would be absolutely ecstatic if he asked me to do those things and would 100% do anything he asked but he just turns me down. Is this common for men? How can I change his mind? It hurts to know he tried with her and not me even though I’m willing, it makes me feel like I’m not enough for him or he doesn’t really love me…
5 comments
Yeah, 3 years into a relationship is far too long to still be harboring rejection fears from a previous GF.
No, it’s not “normal” to still be hung up like this. Time to talk with a therapist.
Both you and him needs couples counselling. He’s unintentionally doing the same thing to you what his ex did to him.
Is he still dating her? Why is he trying to live in an old relationship and not be present?
I want to tell you my experience because I think I’m a bit like your boyfriend. With my ex we had a good sex life, she liked it a lot and we did it often enough. But she already knew what she liked and didn’t want to experiment (like, no dirt talking at all, she didn’t like it so it was a NO, no roleplay or anything, the sex was good but I have a lot of imagination and she didn’t).
She also had a habit of weaponizing everything shared in intimacy when we fought, you can imagine what she did when I shared sexual fantasies with her, she made me feel so dirty for asking just some dirty talk, like I was pressuring her to do horrible stuff… The fear of being shamed for being into something grew so much that even now that I have a partner more than willing to experiment I find kinda hard not only to just let go but also to enjoy the things I fantasize about, that fear is still there.
I don’t think he’s still hung up on his past relationship, I think the shame she made him feel when sharing the most vulnerable thing you canshare is still a deep wound, not to mention her cheating and doing those things.
What helps me is that my partner is way more pervert than me and I find that when I share some fantasy she just doesn’t judge me, she might not like it and that’s ok but I don’t feel judged.
If you find that this applies to your situation, try to see it from this perspective, keep encouraging him and showing him that having fantasies is normal and that he should try to drop the shame and enjoy it, make him ask you something maybe, a piece on lingerie, a costume. Keep loving him and push for him to get better, I understand his situation but doing nothing about it it’s not ok.
Damn, that’s been rough for him. I would feel like shit too. A lot of therapy could help him maybe.