If you’re in an open relationship, how do you deal with comparison?

10 comments

1. There is nothing to compare. People are not “better” or “worse”, everyone is just different. That’s how I see it anyway. Finding ways to be secure in yourself is difficult but necessary for open relationships to work.

2. You don’t.

   They either act like a decent person and don’t compare you to their partners (unless you like that sort of thing), or you close the relationship and/or throw their ass to the curb.

3. It’s not an easy thing to deal with. Remember you’re probably the only one who’s comparing in the way you mean. He may compair to see the difference, not to determine that one is better than the other. He may be attracted to her for different reasons, but that doesn’t make his attraction to you any less true or valid.

   How I came to love my body was actually looking thru porn. While most women in porn fit a certain type, there is plenty of porn that is full of every type of women. And plenty of men watch and want it.

4. This is very very normal for people in open relationships. People who continue to successful enjoy open relationships learn through time and experience that their initial fears are unfounded and this helps lower their knee-jerk insecurities.

   Basically, if he has a string of other sexual experiences but he’s still committed to you, then you know that whatever “comparisons” might exist or not, it doesn’t change how he feels about you. And then, you can feel less anxious about it.

   I think the fact that you’re so sexually inexperienced is absolutely contributing to this but if/when you have an opportunity to sleep with someone else, that will give you some insight, perhaps, into how an open relationship doesn’t have to threaten the primary partnership at all.

5. You need to have a level of confidence and trust in an open relationship to begin with. But there is more to desire and love and attraction then physical appearance. Personality can make someone more attractive as well. An easy way to compare is we all have favorite restaurants or favorite foods. Sometimes we might want to eat somewhere else, doesn’t mean the other place isnt our favorite anymore. Sometimes we need to try something different to really appreciate our favorite spots.

6. Don’t compare those things.

   You two have a connection. It won’t be the same with her. looks only do so much. Experience means very little.

   You are you and she is her. And you are different.

   He may experience a bonus feeling of excitement because she is new. But it could also be awkward and uncomfortable and just off.

   You keep being your awesome self

   It’s more about how people get along with each other. Their feelings. Their attraction to each other.

   Rarely is it about looks or experience. So let that go.

   Be happy for each other that you get to experience fun and sex with others

7. Something you need to think about. Maybe this time he’ll say she didn’t measure up to you, but someday, if you keep doing this, and you’re both honest with each other, both of you will admit that sex with other people is hotter than sex with each other. After years of having sex with each other it gets repetitive. Sex with people who you haven’t had sex with often is more exciting. That’s why people have open relationships, and swing, and such.

   If you want an open relationship so you can reaffirm that sex with others is less exciting than sex with each other, you’re going to be disappointed. Sure, a lot of times sex with others will be a bust, but there will be times with others which will be very outstanding.

   You have to keep a level head and understand you don’t need to fall in love with a person who can have great sex with you. You just need to have good sex with the person you love and get some great sex with some other people along the way for fun, to keep things spicy.

   My wife and I have never had a problem comparing each other to our other sex partners, and in fact we both enjoyed talking about our sexy times with others while we had sex with each other. I don’t know if that easy going attitude about swinging is important or not, but I suspect it might be.

   Good luck.

8. Here’s a completely different take. Your relationship with your BF has been long distance for 3 years? On top of that you’re both seeing different people who are local? Don’t you think in reality you really don’t have much of a relationship when you think about it? I think the only reason you and your BF are still together is because you 2 lost your virginities to each other relatively recently and you don’t want to face the fear of the unknown given that you’re in a LDR that I’m guessing is not going to change, i.e. that the 2 of you will be moving to the same location.

9. Ooof. I’ll be the partybreaker here, but I suggest you read this carefully, cause the info I’ll provide might be useful. Regardless of what I say I do hope you succeed in your relationship.

   Few things:

   1) This is unrelated to sex, but in order to succeed in ldr, you have to have clear vision of when it ends (when you’re moving to one another), or in the very least, a milestone or an objective beforehand that serves as a checkpoint before accomplishing that goal. This isn’t related to your post, I’m just putting it out there.

   2) You want an open relationship, but are insecure about your partner being with someone. This speaks volumes of the incompatibility of the things you want and the emotional competence to bear with the negative aspects of it. From what I know, the only people that can truly succeed in an open relationship are the ones that truly want their partner to have fun – even more that they might be having with them. That’s the truly truly difficult part. Only a very few people have that kind of emotional maturity/competence. Those who don’t will just live in pain and stress while thinking about their partner having more fun with someone else.

   3) We cannot control our emotions and sex and emotions are highly correlated (scientifically proven etc. etc.). What this means is that sometimes we develop a greater emotional connection through sex – I won’t beat around the bush here – people fall in love. There’s whole neurochemical background with dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin release during orgasms, strengthening the connections yada yada yada. I won’t delve into that too much. What you should know and remember forever is this: Statistically, if you are in an open relationship and are having sex with other people, there’s high chance that someday, eventually, you will develop great feelings for someone else. This works for your partner too of course, just making it even worse. That’s one of the reasons why open relationships almost never work. I also urge you to check the science and check the statistics. The worst thing you can do is believe you are “special” or “better than everyone else”. And by just the looks of how hard you’re dealing with this now, you know you’re not. Checking the statistics and what the experts say is an invaluable way to reach objectivity and, of course, getting to best decisions you can make.

   4) There are other people involved. Everything that I wrote in the third part applies to other people. Some people that are having sex with you or your partner might fall in love. And God knows what they actually feel about open relationships. They might be monogamous people that have fell for either of you so of course they’ll have sex if they can. But what comes after is just pure drama. Especially if you or your partner like that person even more than one another. It’s unlikely that everyone you or your partner will be with will be completely fine with the arrangement you have and it’s even more unlikely you’ll never find someone with whom you’ll have an even bigger chemistry with than with your partner.

   ​

   Couple of your questions/statements:
   1) “He told me his attraction for me won’t change” – This might be true in a sense that his attraction for you won’t be influenced by other girls he sleeps with. That doesn’t mean he won’t find someone else far more attractive. I mean you yourself said: “I’ve seen her and I do find her hotter than me and she probably has more experience.” From my perspective, I doesn’t really matter if he’s attracted to you if he is far more attracted to someone else. I mean, would you stay with your partner and build future with him if you feel far greater attraction to someone else? Think about it.
   2) “how do you deal with comparison? how do I deal with that internally?” – There is a person here, the first comment that stated this: “There is nothing to compare. People are not “better” or “worse”, everyone is just different.” – So, you believe that? Or do you think this is something people tell themselves to feel better? I think the latter. If you really want to convince yourself that there is no better/worse, the best thing you can say, I believe, is that people are “more or less compatible to one another”. But of course with some people it will be better, with some worse. It won’t be just “different”. To think that is just naive.

   3) “that he might not feel as satisfied with me as he does with her.” – That’s true. And I said, the only reasonable way to get over it is to initially want him to have more fun with other people so he can have “more experienced and fulfilled life”. At least, that’s the perspective of that kind of people who can do that. If you don’t have that outlook, I think you’re just going to suffer. And I also believe the comparisons you make will never change. You’re going to compare the number of your partners and their attractiveness level – and that shit is disturbingly toxic. If you manage to get rid of that somehow, props to you. But I said, people generally cannot control how they feel.

   Good luck and all the best to you and your partner!

10. I myself take it differently, I focus on how my partner will enjoy herself and the experience. I focus on being excited for her and ask if she had a good time and enjoyed it when we she gets home. She does the same for me if I go on a date or to see my gf. I am polly and we practice ENM so this may just come naturally to me.

    Big thing I see for you is that he is being ethical about it and communicating with you before hand. You should set some boundaries with each other, for example you don’t want to hear details and just that a good time was had.