A bit of background. I’m (M-23) recently single and have started dating again – specifically looking for a committed relationship. Went on 4 dates with someone (F-22) from a dating site. We had sex after the 3rd date. I was very attracted to her, but I was worried about a number of other things (her emotional stability, red flags that looked like she had poor spending habits and was in a lot of debt, signs in our conversations that she hadn’t been faithful in her previous relationship, insecurities that impact her relationships, etc.)
I had a face-to-face convo with her telling her I thought she had a lot going for her, but that I just wasn’t sure we were compatible. She responded asking “can you tell me what you didn’t like about me so I can work on it?”
That question left me very uncomfortable, and in the end I didn’t dive down that rabbit hole (although my analytic mind was tempted to be honest with her.) I just responded again that dating and compatibility is a hard thing to put your finger on. It doesn’t mean one person or the other is unlovable or bad. I told her I thought she was a good person. She still tried to push it, saying that 4 dates was too early for me to arrive at a conclusion when I hardly knew her yet – which was another red flag to me about her emotional maturity, as we were hardly even close to any form of commitment to each other.
I know it’s not fun to get turned down, to feel rejected.
TL;DR: What is a good way to approach the “why?” question?
7 comments
You don’t owe her an explanation; the more engaged you get in details like this, the more surface area you give her, so to speak, from which to argue things…and if you are done with the relationship, there’s no *point* in arguing with her about it.
You can break up with someone for any reason or for no reason at all, and “This relationship isn’t working for me, and so I am ending it” is an entirely valid and sufficient level of detail. She doesn’t *have* to understand or agree, and so you don’t have to provide her information in an effort to *get* her to.
It sounds more like she wanted to know this stuff so she could argue with you about it, rather than just wanting to know so she can be better for the future. If she was pushing you about giving her more of a shot already, chances are if you had told her bluntly you didn’t like x,y,z, she would have pushed back and tried to explain why those things aren’t issues or that she will fix them. Your response of being vague is perfectly fine- you don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you don’t want to date them and you avoided having her try to argue her case when you were already sold.
Sounds like you handled it perfectly. “It’s hard to put my finger on it, but it’s just not for me” is hard to beat as an answer after four dates.
But…
If your goal is to face these awkward situations less often then ignoring red flags and sleeping with a woman on the third date is a bad plan. It is going to leave the impression that it’s going well, so it’s no surprise she felt a bit blindsided when you dumped her after the fourth date. I am sure many of her questions for you were because it seemed more sudden to her than it did to you. That’s on you.
Dating is a better experience if you don’t temporarily skip over red flags just to get some before moving on. 🤷♂️
Girl here: I would tell her. I would want to know. If somebody doesn’t want to be with me and I had to go through the split anyways, I would rather know what about me is off-putting for the other person-then I can decide if it resonates with me and I can work towards bettering myself. Or, if I don’t and in that case, I could better understand for myself, that we indeed wouldn’t be a good match, because I like my personality as it is. Anyways, in case it’s the first option, you could save her many future dates with other guys. Personally, I wouldn’t wanna be in the position of “people tell me I’m pretty and cool, but nobody wants to date me and I don’t know what is wrong with me”.
You slept with someone you don‘t even like but she‘s the emotionally immature one? Ok..
You did the right thing. After a few dates some version of “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, you seem great, I’m not feeling the spark I’m looking for and don’t want to waste your time, all the best to you” is all you need. Even if the real reason is “your bathroom was so disgusting I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.” In my experience anyone who asks for feedback or specifics will just turn it into an argument…or leave you several verbally abusive voicemails before you block their number (just me?).
Here’s the thing: you don’t want to date her, so why should your opinion matter to her? Like why should she change herself to meet the standards of someone who doesn’t want to be with her? She should be trying to be the best version of herself. If she keeps running into this issue with dating her friends can gently tell her what might be off putting to others but it is not your job.
If you don’t tell her more details she’ll think you just strung her along for sex. Especially since you broke up right after you got to that point.