For context, I have a lot of past sexual trauma which in my case has meant that I am now hyper sexual, but I genuinely cannot get off unless it’s really really rough in the bedroom. I suspect it may be a trauma response of some kind, somehow (I am C-PTSD diagnosed.)
My fiancé of 3 knows a lot of my history, but the more we continue to be intimate the gentler he seems to be getting. I don’t know whether this is because I’ve recently had my daughter and maybe in his mind he needs to be more delicate, but I find myself wanting sex less and less now because of this issue.
I’ve tried to broach the topic of conversation with him, but I’m mentally blocking out a way to phrase it. In an ideal world I would just grab him, shake him and tell him to absolutely destroy me and call me a good girl but I don’t think that’s a healthy way to communicate haha. I do love him with my whole heart, and I always try to take his sexual needs in to account and (from what he’s said anyway) I can please him very well. I don’t know why I’m being so shy about having to ask; I feel like it might ruin our relationship if I do and I don’t know why.
We did go through a phase where he satisfied me and then some; using all of the pet names and phrases etc that I like and being really rough with me, and as of then it wasn’t an issue for him and I’m not sure what could have changed in the mean time.
How do I get the confidence to tell him what I need sexually?
5 comments
>In an ideal world I would just grab him, shake him and tell him to absolutely destroy me and call me a good girl but I don’t think that’s a healthy way to communicate haha.
I’m okay with it.
You could probably do without the seizing and shaking. Hell, just text the guy. “I’d like you to absolutely destroy me and call me a good girl.”
This is a lot more likely to excite him than it is to “ruin your relationship.”
You could play him Xzibit song? Choke me, spank me, pull my hair? And maybe do wink wink
I would say that you just need to take a deep breath and take the plunge – you want what you want
BUT
These parts stood out to me:
>I have a lot of past sexual trauma
and
>I’m mentally blocking out a way to phrase it
This sounds like you are mentally conflicted due to your trauma and this needs to be addressed, possibly with a therapist. From what you write – wanting something but blocking yourself from expressing it points to your trauma rearing its ugly head now that you are sure you are in a safe relationship, and I would say you definitely need to address your trauma in order to move forward; don’t just bury your head in the sand and accept your trauma as part of your life. Take back your agency in your own life. You might find that as you address and treat your trauma with a therapist that you are less afraid to voice what you want.
It is also very possible that the very thing you want to ask for – to be “destroyed” and called “good girl” could have been some of the things you went through that led to your trauma and so your sudden interest in them in a safe environment could be you mentally searching for a way to relive that experience, but in a way you feel comfortable, so you can take back control of those experiences, which is a very common thing among trauma survivors (speaking as the husband of an abuse survivor, my wife went through this in our early days).
You should be open with person you are about to marry ( for your own good).
When your making love do things yo would like. Not to rough but a little more than usual. dig your nails in. grab his hips and pound yourself. Use yor movements to show him