31 year old male here.
Would you? Have you? Should you?
I’ve personally been back and forth with this. I have a side of personality in me that is more social. I like the gym. I’m fit and active with abs/muscle. I like to go on dates and be social.
But the other side of me, is the real me. I’m a gamer at heart. I’d way more enjoy playing world of warcraft all night with game of thrones in the background. Instead of a date at a a bar I’d rather a date on the nintendo switch. I’d rather chat on discord and laugh, then go to a bar downtown. I barely have any friends anymore and I don’t really want to make new ones. I just don’t have it in me, and I don’t want to.
But society and my peers tell me to be more like person A than this person B, which is really person A.
I feel like If I’m more of myself, I’ll never get a girlfriend, ever.
Does anyone else struggle with this? When does “just be yourself” actually matter? Can you be yourself if society makes fun of the things you enjoy?
12 comments
It depends, do you want a partner who wants you to go to parties all the time or do you want a partner who wants to play video games with you?
Just a thought after reading. Most of what you wrote there isn’t a personality characteristic, it’s just an activity. You can certainly have many different personality types that engage in many different types of activities. Perhaps it’s worth the time to figure out what your motivations are to learn different things, so you can understand yourself better?
Didn’t really the whole thing all I needed to read was the title.
You should never change ANYTHING for a women. If you do, you’re a lost cause
I have changed or “hidden” many things about my personality for a girl who’s my type. And in general I suppress some things about my personality no matter the girl I’m seeing. It’s not like I’m swimming in options for women. I make compromises.
No you should be you.
Absolutely not unless it’s getting rid of toxic traits. My abusive ex wanted to change me. Found out recently she changed the guy she married he smokes now. Who knows what bad habits she has him doing. She wanted to change me. She knew she couldn’t
Don’t give up what you enjoy.
This questions is asked myself also.
I’m feel we have kind of the same “problem” if you want to call it like that.
I really like being active in vacations, but during a normal day I love doing things on the computer, be it gaming, programming, drawing or other things.
While I have quite a few friends, that’s absolutely enough for me and I’m not really interested in finding new friends.
So what I decided for myself is like definitely not changing my self regarding the things I enjoy doing.
If I visit i.e. clubs, just to meet women the chance that this women like to go to clubs is quite high.
Same applies for other stuff.
Then I’m stuck with a woman who likes totally different things than me.
Ofc it is ok to have some differences in hobbies, everyone should have their own life, even when being in a relationship.
But some things are almost non negotiable for me now. I.e. women who just enjoy laying at the beach.
While this is absolutely ok, it’s nothing for me. I won’t be laying every vacation for the rest of my life at the beach bc that would make all my vacation pretty miserable. I’m rather enjoying my life being single than being in a relationship but doing stuff all day I don’t like.
What kind of things are non negotiable you have to decide on your own I guess (or how ok you are with maybe dying alone) 🙂
A different thing are ofc i.e. bad habits. That’s definitely a thing to change and work on all the time.
But I think that’s not what you are talking about here.
Another thing that might play a role here is what kind of type you are. What I mean with this is like introverted vs extroverted.
Making the decision how much you want to change might be easier when you are introverted (in my opinion).
At least in my case (introverted) I’m really good in doing things on my own. So my tolerance for changing things just for a relationship is quite low.
Whether that’s a good thing is probably debatable 😄
If you want a girl that is into what you are into then you need to start there rather than trying to appeal to a women who is not going to be down with that stuff at all.
Yes, it does immediately disqualify a whole bunch of people but that’s the cost of having a strong filter for something that is important to you.
You don’t have to pretend to be someone else but it also doesn’t hurt to try to expand your world a bit to allow more space and opportunity for connection.
Well the answer to the broad question is “no”, you shouldn’t change your personality for a woman.
However most of this post is talking about hobbies and how you prefer to spend your time rather than your personality. I would say don’t feel like you have to give up everything that you enjoy, but if you’re interested in improving your social life (dating, friendship, whatever) you should consider trying to find at least 1 social activity that you like and can participate in like once or twice a week and add that into your list of things to do.
Doesn’t have to be hanging out a bars. Find a local game shop with weekly meet ups, or try getting involved in tournaments for a game that you like, or maybe try something new- social exercise groups, local live music scene, classes, volunteering, etc.
As long as you’re not a certified asshole your personality shouldn’t really need to change. But it does help to get out of the house a little more, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. I myself am an introvert who still likes to play games at home plenty, but also go out to a couple of shows a week to hang out and meet people and etc., and having that little bit of social life (especially coming out of covid lockdowns for 2 years) has been super refreshing.
Some of us females would rather play WoW and watch GoT in the background rather than go to bars and whatnot. You just need to look for the right type of female. We exist but are drowned out by all the attention vampires and their photo filters. If you are only looking for a certain type that looks a certain way then you won’t get the ones you will match with your interests.
If you keep going against who you really are to try and meet someone because being person A is easier to attract, than how can you have a solid, stable relationship that will last if you squash person B completely?
There needs to be some kind of balance, yes, you need to be social in order to meet someone, but be able to express who you really are when getting to know someone, otherwise you’re not going to be your authentic self, and that is what women pick up on.