Am I in the wrong? Brutal honesty appreciated.
So I’m (M21) supposed to hangout with my girlfriend (F21) today. She lives an hour away and I’d be driving after work to see her. I’m just getting over a cold I’ve had this week so this morning I messaged her and told her I felt a ton better but still had some mucus in the throat from time to time. I wanted to make sure she still wanted to hangout. She instantly got cold and rude after I asked her this. She said she was hurt that i wasn’t coming, even though I hadn’t said that, I was asking how she felt about it.
She explained it’s because last night I went to movie night with my friends but now I don’t want to hangout with her. At these movie nights I sit on a separate couch from everyone and at no point was I close. I also made sure they were cool with how I was still recovering/feeling. Also, of course I want to hangout with her, I had never at any point said I wasn’t coming over I just wanted to make sure she was comfortable.
She brought up how I’ve done this in the past in her eyes. Over a year ago a situation happened where we were going to hangout but I had gotten a migraine (I get chronic migraines) and so we decided not to so I didn’t have to drive an hour there with a migraine. Later that same night my friend called me very upset asking if I could go on a drive with him, since I wouldn’t be driving and it would be quick I said yes. This upset her because I chose not to hangout with her but still went with him. I understood how she saw it and why she’d feel the way she does but I tried to explain how it was less straining to just be a passenger and talk but she doesn’t see it this way.
I also explained how I feel these are pretty different situations as I’m asking her if she’s comfortable with me coming over. I did the same with my friends for the movie night and I’m giving her the same notice, not just not coming over.
I explained how it hurts because it implies that I don’t value our time together the same as friends. She said she’s not implying anything but won’t expand.
I see what she thinks is happening or what I’m doing and to be honest it hurts, but what do you all think? Did I do something wrong? I thought it was a good call to ask if she was comfortable about me still coming over.
TL;DR my girlfriend thinks it’s unfair that I went to my friends while still having a slight cold and asking if she’s okay with me coming over.
5 comments
You’ve done nothing wrong. She just has it in her head that these are excuses. She doesn’t see it as you caring for her, nor does she regard your illness as serious. I think you need to reiterate that you also asked your friends about how they felt being around a possibly contagious person. You do not treat them specially.
If she insists on perceiving things incorrectly, you may need to just call it on this one and say goodbye.
I’m going back and forth on this one, and I gotta wonder if there’s context beyond these two incidents. Have you made a habit, in the past or present, of regularly prioritizing your friends over her?
Taking everything at face value… It is, in fact, considerate and polite to ask someone if they want your mucus-filled body in their home. This is especially true in the new world of COVID. If I’m feeling off, I don’t go out anymore. I don’t wanna friggin kill someone with my germs.
Was she aware that you were sincerely asking? Or did she think that you were using the question as a sneaky way to cancel your plans with her? If it’s the latter, then y’all probably have some communication and trust issues you might wanna address.
I can, to an extent, see why she’s mad, not about the question but the implication that you’re well enough to hang out with friends but not well enough to hang with her… but ehh… a mature person should be able to realize that sickness ebbs and flows. You might feel okay tonight and crap tomorrow morning.
Still, given all we’ve learned from COVID, the “I’m on a separate couch” excuse really doesn’t fly. You cannot half quarantine. Either you’re locked away or you’re not.
If you are the type of guy who puts bros above everything else, I can absolutely sympathize with your GF and feel pretty bad for her. But if you aren’t, then I think she’s being a bit of a diva here.
Impact > intent. I could totally see how she’s feeling like you’re prioritizing your friends over her. From her point of view you’re being hypocritical, and tbh you kind of are. You’re too sick to see her but not too sick to go out and about with your friends? I just don’t understand your side here and how you’re so oblivious to the perception of your actions.
You sound like an exhausting hypochondriac with a kajillion excuses. I’d be pissed too.
Sounds like a miscommunication. You asked her if she was ok with you coming over when there may be a slight possibility that you’re still contagious (the polite thing to do, IMO), and she thought you meant you weren’t coming over.
It’s s shame that this miscommunication has devolved into a fight about past issues and perceived values in your relationship. If it were me I’d be gently directing back to the fact that this was a miscommunication. Something like “Dearest GF. We’ve gone off track with this… please know that I asked my friends if they were ok with seeing me when I’ve got a cold, and I asked you the same. I’d love to see you. Pick you up at 7?” or whatever.