Throwaway account due to sensitive nature of post.
Hello – I’ve been in a 5-year relationship with my fiance (proposed last year). Our wedding is currently scheduled for mid 2023. Shortly after proposing, my fiance was laid off. Luckily, I earn enough to support us both. I also work pretty brutal hours (+60 a week regularly). Since my fiance spends most of her days at home with the dog, I expected her to step up with our wedding planning. However, she has done virtually nothing since she has been jobless; while I have footed all the wedding related bills alone, set up appointments, etc. Recently, we also found out that she is a carrier for a terrible neuro-genetic disease. This disease usually pops up in mid-to-late adulthood and basically eats away at your mind and then body slowly. There is testing that can be done to determine whether you will be symptomatic. To my knowledge she has not had this done.
I’m starting to become seriously concerned that she is becoming symptomatic – I’m nothing slight changes in her behavior. I’ve tried brining up the disease to her but she never wants to discuss it and acts as if it doesn’t exist. Meanwhile, her grandmother was symptomatic for the disease and I can see how much it devastated her grandfather (he’s severely depressed and a financial wreck). I want to marry her but I’m becoming seriously concerned I may be tying myself to a ticking time-bomb. Particularly because I grew up in pretty poor and more than likely will be the sole provider for my elderly parents who are retiring broke – so many people depend on me. I feel very helpless and don’t know what to do because I have significant student loan debt and live in Boston (so I’m already behind my goals).
TLDR – currently engaged to woman who may be showing signs of neuro-degenerative disorder. Considering breaking engagement because I think this may destroy me financially, emotionally and lifestyle-wise.
9 comments
Well, marriage is in sickness and in health, and you are clearly not willing to live up to that since you’re looking to run because of genetic history. Do her a favor and let her go find someone who will be a good partner for her! You should stay single!
I understand your confusion and indecision about this situation. It’s difficult to make major life decisions under a cloud of uncertainty, especially when there are so many other people involved. My suggestion would be that you take the time to explore all your options with care, getting factual information on the disorder in order to make an informed choice. You sound like someone who has thought a lot about their future and what they need, which is important when making any type of decision – but particularly one involving such high stakes as a potential marriage commitment. Take it slow right now and seek advice from both medical professionals and those close to you whom you trust for objective input on the matter before any final decisions are made or commitments made. Put yourself first in this process because ultimately it is up to you alone how much risk or responsibility you want be taking on by continuing down this path.
In sickness & in health right? If you asked her to marry you & she said yes she wants to marry you, isn’t the major part of the deal already done? And yeah, being legally married carries a whole other set of baggage.. but if you love her, you have already declared your intentions to each other, you at least owe each other an honest, in depth conversation on the subject. Good luck dear heart.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate before a relationship and possible marriage. It’s OK too take care of yourself. Don’t take on more than is safe and sound for you.
You haven’t taken vows yet.
If you have doubts, don’t marry her. Honestly if you can’t see yourself taking care of her if she goes through this disease you should walk away now for her and for you. You don’t deserve to be tied to someone you will resent and see as a burden and she doesn’t deserve to be with someone who sees her as a burden and resents her.
It is absolutely okay to think of yourself too. Anyone would be overwhelmed with so much thrown at them. You reconsidering certain decisions does not make you a bad person in any way, shape or form.
Put your wedding on hold until things get better and she gets tested. There isn’t anything wrong with doing that. Tell her that postponing the wedding is for the best until you are more financially stable. Help her to realize that she needs to get tested for this , and it will hopefully be good news and everything can get back on track. Is she depressed? Good luck
You’re not a terrible or selfish person if you decide to break off the engagement, just in case you feel that way.
This is a HUGE undertaking and a seriously devastating blow for a relationship to take. If you don’t want to be a lifelong caregiver to a mentally disabled partner, it’s best to end things as civilly as possible, as soon as possible.