I am a female (23) and I keep finding out I have some weird fetishes.
As a context, I have been single for a little over a year, but my ex (m 21) and I tried to get back together again and again, because we really enjoyed the sex and kinks that we both had. We dated for 2 years and we were living together (so things were pretty serious). He is the person who taught me that sex can be nice and made feel safe around men again. I have been raped 3 years ago and never thought I will be able to let someone touch me again. Also, I’ve been suffering with depression for 9 years and tried to do some dumb stuff in this time.
Now, my ex has a new gf and I would like to respect that, but we were **trying** not to meet anymore, considering it wasn’t the healthy thing to do anyways. But, since then, I started to fear I won’t find anyone to understand my kinks and also be a normal person and not a psycho.
For example, I have this urge to cut myself (or my partner to do little cuts on me) during sex. I was really depressed when I started to wish that, so I blamed my maniac episode. But, since then, I can’t stop thinking about it and I start to think it’s so bad what I want. It’s so bad that this image can turn me on in any moment of the day.
The other fetishes are not so bad (like role play or to tied up someone) and I feel that, since I had this relationship, I started to explore more, but can’t seem to be able to do it with anyone else. Anytime I get touched by someone else, other than my ex, I get a horrible feeling (sometimes I am almost throwing up, other times I feel dirty). I feel I can’t have sex anymore, with random people or with people that I just started to like. Sometimes, even if one of my close friends hug me, it disgust me really bad, so I feel it’s not the problem that I didn’t gave time to someone else.
**My questions are:**
1. Is this an ok fetish to have or it’s just my depression/trauma talking?
2. Why do I feel guilty being touched; can it be because of the rape and because I made myself believe I feel safe only around my ex?
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* **Thanks for the answers and I hope it didn’t bother anyone.**
1 comment
Hi, well done on reaching out for some advice.
I’ve been in traumatic relationship, AND I have a kinky nature as well.
I’m very much of the opinion that ‘cutting’ is a result of the trauma. It is a fantasy of self harm and needs to be addressed. In contrast, a fetishism is a healthy desire, or even obsession, that can increase sexual drive (like role play). But fetishism should never result in harm.
Likewise with your reaction to touching – that is 110% a result of trauma.
If you can afford/find a trauma specialist, they will talk to you about several options to help with long term Trauma. EMDR helped me tremendously. I’m so grateful to the person that took me through it.
If you can’t afford a trauma therapist. please reach out to a specialist charity near you, and buy some book from*qualified* doctors.
I can tell you that you can get past the trauma. I’m proof. Take care – there is only one You.