27 year old guy. This is my first real relationship. I’ve been with my GF (25F) nearly 3 years. We have lived together for a year and a half. We’re not super young, so it’s time to get very serious, or move our separate ways.
In my opinion, we have been in a bit of a rut lately. Both me and my GF have had some stressful job situations recently.
Combined, we do very well financially. I work in oil and gas trading, and my girlfriend is a teacher. Even though I make great money, I’m still not really in a “coasting” phase or anything like that. I am also very deep into some of my hobbies, like cycling. So some reasons why I’m not super ready to settle down.
I would say we have had some problems though. In my eyes, here are my frustrations:
1. Me and my girlfriend really don’t do anything exciting together. My girlfriend doesn’t do sports, which is my main thing. Basically every weekend we just see her family 1 time, my family 1 time, and relax (or do stuff separately). I don’t think my GF truly has any “hobbies,” outside of watching Tiktoks, going to occasional fitness classes, and seeing her friends. Nor is she really willing to try the things I like. Plus, we don’t go out all that often. I don’t try to “plan” stuff all the time, because I feel my GF is just truly not interested
2. Our sex life has been very slow recently (like, once a month). She’s been even less adventurous than usual. She did go off birth control, but it still hasn’t cured it. And on my end, I’ve been watching more internet porn, which is obviously not healthy.
So, despite these things, we’ve both been happy enough to stay together 3 years.
My GF is admitting that she’s unhappy, and here’s what she thinks needs to change. She thinks she’s depressed because we live in a ground level apartment, and we should therefore buy a house. She wants me to propose this spring (and is pressuring me to ring shop). And she really wants a baby. All of this is tons of money and a huge commitment.
I legitimately don’t have a problem with any of those things…my issue, is that it feels like that is my girlfriends ONLY focus. She’s completely not receptive to doing any of the small stuff. She’s not willing to do anything with me in the meanwhile, little things to make our relationship better. I truly think if she even tried (as an example) cross country skiing with me, or anything like that, it would make me so happy.
Furthermore, I feel like it’s a “trap.” I know this makes it sound like she has ill intentions. Rather, it’s like she doesn’t want to address the problems in our relationship, and just wants me to be tied to her.
Maybe this is really cynical, and maybe this is just a basic incompatibility (different life visions). I’m just annoyed that we are in our mid 20s, and it feels like our lives are so boring. And I’m feeling that even with kids and a house, it would feel even more domesticated.
I’m not saying I want to break up with her, but I hate being under such crazy pressure.
Does anyone have any advice?
39 comments
Do not get married or have a baby with this woman until you are sure it’s what you want to do. She is absolutely trying to avoid the issues and push you to do the same. If you’re really that incompatible, it’s time to be open with each other about it.
25 isn’t very old. There’s this weird obsession with marrying before 30 I find hilarious. You still have lots of time. It doesn’t bode well that she doesn’t have the same zest for life as you. It sounds like you want some adventures before you’re saddled with kids, and it sounds like marriage is her end game.
I would have a very frank conversation with her about this. If you don’t want to get married but it’s a hard and fast goal for her- it’s not fair to her.
She does have an expiration date on her ability to easily have kids, and if that’s not something you want, she should know that. Also, the non-excitement thing is an issue. If you both want different things, then you should not be proposing or moving to the next step. It’s something you both need to be ready and excited for.
DO NOT MAKE A BABY.
She’s depressed and wants to distract herself with all this shit and I guarantee once the novelty wears off, the unhappiness will come back (because it never went away)
Also raising a child right is the most emotionally demanding thing a person can do. It will only get worse unless you’re ready to give up your freedom for several years
Your gf’s position and perspective sounds familiar. Is she ready to put money down on all this too
U should tell her to take an adhd quiz. She could have adhd and would benefit from stimulants
You need advise? I think you have the answer already
You aren’t happy and you can still exit and move on. Your sex life has dwindled. I doubt this recovers no matter what you do.
Your choices are to get tied down with a partner you are only partially happy with, try to go to couples therapy and see if things work out for the better or just move on.
If you feel like you’re bored now, settling down with her and having kids is only going to make that worse. It sounds like you liked each other enough to spend time together, but you are now less compatible. It does sound like she sees certain things as hallmarks of a better life: a bigger place to live, a husband, children. But at least imo, those things are an illusion. A void filler. Don’t get me wrong, marriage and kids can be great in the right situation. But both parents have to really want that. And you don’t.
Do yourself and her a favor and consider breaking up.
How are you compatible? Don’t you want a partner who at least likes cycling too? I ask because some dudes want a gf who shares their hobbies and some want a gf who sits on the sidelines.
While everyone is busy bashing the girlfriend here, I think your part in this is being overlooked.
**To me, you’re not really into her OR the idea of “settling down” and you want something/someone different.**
You can’t change people. Think carefully if you actually LOVE her as she is. If you require someone with the same interests, it’s not fair to push that onto her. It’s a YOU issue. If your sex drives don’t match now that’s unlikely to change in future.
Just because she isn’t satisfied with her current circumstances doesn’t mean she’s clinically depressed. She has identified what she feels is missing in her life and it’s not unreasonable. A ring, a house and children are reasonable expectations at her age. 25 is NOT too young.
The only thing making her expectations seem unreasonable is how unhappy YOU are, and worse, would be if you met those expectations.
**What you want for your future does not align with what she wants** and it’s not exactly in areas you can compromise on.
Sure she could take interest in your hobbies, or go out with you more often, or be more sexual… But that may not make HER happy. What are you going to do to meet her needs? You can’t meet halfway on her goals and stringing her along hoping one day you’ll be ready is CRUEL.
Counselling is always an option, but I don’t think expecting either of you to bend is going to work out. **Go find the life partner that can meet your needs and let her find hers, IMO.**
You don’t seem to like her very much, or at least you don’t think she’s compatible. That’s perfectly OK. What wouldn’t be ok is pushing down that feeling and coasting on for another few years or, worse, marrying her when you won’t be happy.
Do her and yourself a favor and break up with her cleanly, and *soon* – do not waste time.
You don’t need a reason to break up, you can just say “when you talked about all the things you want, I realized I didn’t want them.”
Maybe you’re not compatible which is fine. Find someone you think has the lifestyle you want to live. I would caution you however on seeking “excitement” because that is going to wear off in any relationship. Things or going to become routine at some point. Peaks and valleys.
I think you should just leave, it’s not like things will get better after marriage.
Marriage and children will not make this situation any better.
I just have to ask, what is it about cycling that does not mesh with settling down?
To be fair, suggesting cross country skiing to someone who isn’t into sports is shooting yourself in the foot. All sports have different entry level requirements. Maybe start with hiking combined with camping?
I’m all up for having hobbies outside of relationships but there has to be an overlap to some extent to allow you to spend quality time together. There is only so much movies you can watch before you rot.
Also, she should really get help for her depression. A professional help that is. She’s clinging onto the idea that big house, fancy wedding and a kid would solve her mental health but that’s not true. All the stress that comes with these events would just push her further down the rabbit hole.
You don’t seem to be compatible and change will likely only be a bandaid fix, not prompting long term actual positive growth. I would have a serious conversation with her, that you don’t feel on the same page as her. Honesty is important and if you two feel like you are diverging in life, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
That isn’t a bad thing, but you both should be fair to each other.
I would trust your feelings. You have very different lives and aims, even values are different. You are bored with her choices and she isn’t interested in yours.
Those are not small problems.
You might feel comfortable living together but as friends or someone you feel okay with.
You might even like her family and feel comfortable with them.
I am not saying that there has to be a spark, but it sounds like over 3 years that you really just fell into a relationship and neither is actively interested in each other or doing things together and honestly it sounds kinda boring as a relationship.
If you are not feeling like this person is someone who you can see yourself married to for the next 5, 10, 20 etc years, then that is okay to say that it isn’t working for you.
Because it sounds like you looking for a sharing hobbies and likeminded person so then set her free to find someone else who wants what she is offering.
“We are unhappy in our relationship” (Her): Lets make a baby!! Lmao on how dumb people are!
I’m now a 60 yr old woman, but this is an observation I’ve told many people over the years. When I, and many of my friends, all in long-term relationships, hit the ages of 25-30, we all began to break up and leave our partners.
I think it was because we were all looking for our life partners at those ages, and we realised that, who we had been with, wasn’t the person we felt comfortable sharing the rest of our life with. We all began questioning our compatibility, passions, interests, intellects, motivators, drive, and zest for life. And that drove most of us to split up, to find a better life partner for ourselves.
It sounds like you’ve reached this point in your own life, so you need to seriously think on your own long term happiness, and if you want to remain in this relationship.
I think you are incompatible and I think you aren’t happy or fulfilled in this relationship. I think you know it’s time to let her go but you either are scared of change or just want Reddit to support you. Either way, she isn’t the one for you.
You ARE still young. You have plenty of time to meet a compatible woman and settle down.
I live in a 5th floor flat and I’m depressed, so I don’t think elevation has anything to do with your girlfriend’s mental struggles.
Also, being on the ground floor makes it easier for you to leave. No stairs buddy!
I laughed when you said it feels like a trap. I felt the same way, and at this point in your life it would be. First thing you know you’d be in a house that needs maintenance that needs the lawn mowed that needs to be painted and then a baby and then a whole host of responsibilities that are going to tie you down at this point in your life, which sounds like you don’t want. Not to mention keeping up with all of her friends on Instagram or Facebook or whatever social she does to keep upping your standard of living. It’s a treadmill to oblivion. Don’t fall for it, unless you want it
Only reason for you or anyone to have a kid is *really really wanting to*. Barring that it’s a bad idea, every time
(ETA I say this thinking about the welfare of the hypothetical child, not the convenience of adults)
Aside from not having hobbies, and being a bit younger, I was the girl in this scenario. Wanted to marry my bf, settle down, have kids… excited for that next stage of life. I’m a homebody, happy with pets and crafting. He was into 100 mile bike rides and triathlons and climbing mountains. He tried to “tame” himself a bit while we were dating but it didn’t stick. He broke up with me, moved across the country, worked for national parks, lived in a cabin, etc. As far as I know that’s what he’s still doing.
I later found a guy who wanted the same things as me, we are happily married now and I’m expecting.
You definitely need to be on the same page before going to the next step. Two people can be wonderful and have fun dating but not be compatible for marriage.
Getting a house, having a baby, getting married isn’t going to magically make everything better. Suggest counseling, your relationship might have run its course, or is encountering a severe rut.
The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. You really want to get it right. Getting married has never solved underlying issues in a relationship.
OP- and I mean this in the nicest way…. You and your GF would make a huge mistake if you get married and buy a house right now.
🚫interests 🚫sports 🚫sex 🚫happy vibes
There’s a lot to unpack in what you took the time out to write, but you are both clearly unhappy because you are I’ll suited to one another and you each know it at your core.
Cut your losses in a kind manner and move on so you each can find someone that makes your heart sing and who fills the voids in your life. Once a month sex just doesn’t get better when you add bigger life stressors to it. Been there and done that
Be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to marry her. You’re stringing her along and taking some of her best years just because you’re comfortable. Let her find someone who wants marriage and a family.
> We’re not super young, so it’s time to get very serious, or move our separate ways.
You’re 27, not 67. You’re plenty young, so stop pressuring yourself.
Marriage and kids will not fix any problems or cause the two of you to come together. If anything, it will irritate and worsen any existing problems you my have.
Quite frankly, it sounds like *you* are not ready to settle down. You have things that you enjoy doing, like your hobbies. Understand that your time with hobbies will be massively curtailed with a child.
If you’re not sure about getting married, then don’t.
You should break up with this woman instead of marrying her. You guys are on 2 totally different pages about most everything. And, your sex life is already sub non-existent which means it’ll be fully down the gutter after marriage.
Do yourself a favor. Break it off, move on, and thank me later.
So first, definitely don’t have a child or buy property with her until you work this out, as making things permanent when you are currently unhappy doesn’t fix anything. And you better be in charge of your own birth control and be very careful.
I am only writing this from what YOU need to do, because you are the one writing here. So please take this advice with that in mind, I’m not attacking you, just only addressing you since you put out the story, I am sure she has a lot to work on herself.
Most importantly, you also need to put in some effort. You say you don’t plan things but also that she doesn’t want to do what you want to do. I’m not saying you aren’t trying or anything like that, but how about you start from scratch and try it all again? I mean, it can’t hurt and if you want to try and fix things, start with you! You only point to her not putting in effort to your things- like cross country skiing- and say that you don’t want to propose or move to the next step because she won’t try your stuff, but that…isn’t fair. If she was never in to the stuff you were in to, and stuff like cross country skiing isn’t a cute little fun activity, it can be very hard, then why does she have to do it now?
Don’t think that she has to do what you like in order to have fun. Put in the extra effort and plan a weekend away, a day trip to a winery, an amusement park, a drive up the coast, dinner at her favorite place, a drunk brunch date, tickets to a sporting event you like with drinks at a place she likes. Do all these things- some small ones like brunch, some bigger ones like a day trip- and cater to what she likes while adding in things you like. You say she has no interests or hobbies, but have you even tried to figure out what those are? Sometimes hobbies aren’t as obvious as sports, and aren’t really hobbies. For example, I like to travel- far and near- so a weekend away to a little town makes me happy. I love plants so taking me to a nursery makes my day.
And then, while doing this stuff, think about what commitment you are willing to make. Sometimes a lot of women- and I’m saying women because I am one and talking about my experience and that of my female friends- kind of give up when we see the relationship isn’t going anywhere. We live in a kind of shabby apartment, he isn’t proposing any time soon, he doesn’t even know what I like to do, so why should I put in more effort when I see no future? I am sure a lot of men have had the same feeling. She is telling you that she sees your lack of commitment as a lack of interest, and you are telling her that you see her lack of interest as what is preventing you from committing.
And here’s the thing with that- you are both likely right. So, if you want to save the relationship, try putting in more effort, because not every relationship is 50/50, so be the guy giving 75% and see what happens. No baby, no house, just a couple of months of putting her first and then you will see if she matches your energy and you can move to a better place, or she doesn’t and you know this isn’t going to work out.
Do you even like your gf OP?
What I noticed is that you’re telling about your girlfriend not wanting to try/ having interest in your hobbies. So what? What you both need is an activity that you both like doing. It can be as simple as going out for a coffee or relax in a park and just chat. Compromises need to come from both, not just one. And if your girlfriend has mental health issues, they need to be addressed first with treatment and compassion. On the other hand, if you want to wait with the house/wedding/child thing until your life is perfect then I can guarantee you it will never happen. Life is never perfect. But at this point it looks like your girlfriend is ready to settle and you are not.
She’s not on birth control so you’re not using condoms did i get that right?
I’m seriously baffled why you 2 are together?! Just based off this post I see two very incompatible people. She is not the one for you to marry and vice versa. The relationship has reached an end and it’s time to break it off and find someone that you’re on the same wavelength with because she is not it. Don’t let convenience be a deciding factor.
Babies should not be born with jobs.
Sometimes, love is not enough. You are not compatible, so time to move on.
I think you already know the answer homie. I can’t help but notice in your comment, like a few others have pointed out, that you don’t even seem to like your girl. There’s a lot of energy about her fitting into your hobbies and likes, but not much about meeting her in the middle or looking to try some of her hobbies. It’s okay if you don’t want the same things. It’s scary to end things after such a long committed relationship, but sometimes it’s for the best. I suggest having an honest conversation about your feelings with your partner. Or maybe writing out what you are feeling. What do you want in life? What is making you unhappy in your relationship? Can anything be done to work towards hobbies/activities you may both enjoy? Idk take a cooking/dance/random hobby class together. If this is the love you want, work to make it work. But also don’t force yourself into something you don’t want. That’s not fair to either of you. Goodluck
It’s a good time to self reflect. What do you want? It sounds like life would be better for you if you found someone with the same interests
Good luck & don’t settle
You are not a pioneer