Hi everyone.
TL, Dr : Met a guy, great connection, same wavelength and passion we both admitted we were falling for each other till I disclosed my HSV2 status and now all went up in the air.
A bit of context.
Met this guy off a dating app, we had great virtual rapport online through chat, then quickly jumped to facetiming each other and talking on the phone. We were both on the same length about each other and on the same week we arranged a date. We met in person, date was great, we hit it off, great connection, and right before we’d escalate it to sex, I disclosed to him that I had HSV2 and explained what the infection was.
As hearing the news he felt troubled and made questions about it which I tried my best to answer clearly. I even got my phone and found an article and let him read for a couple of minutes as he had not a clue of what it was.
From a very passionate moment we were just having a couple of minutes ago, the doom atmosphere seemed to fill the room we were and his facial expression was just becoming more concerned as he was reading through it all while I was sat on the bed as a misbehaved child waiting to hear my dreaded “verdict/punishment”. I honestly just pictured him standing up from the bed and leaving. The emotion of shame was getting the best of me and I kept my head down. He proceeded to ask when I got it and what I was doing about it which I also answered.
He looked at me with a very concerned face still and got closer to me and hugged me. We were both sat in utter silence for a couple minutes and that silence was tearing me to pieces. I was trying to keep the tears within, I was trying to justify myself, I was so lost for a moment but he was so kind and tactile with me and said he was sad that had happened to me and that he was so confused but that he genuinely liked me. He cuddled me again and came to kiss me on my lips, from that kiss the passion once again was ignited between us, he said he couldn’t help it, he wanted me, so he grabbed a condom and used and we had sex. We ended up having protected sex twice that night. He comforted me, showered me with compliments that I was a trophy of a woman and he was lucky and he was just really sorry I had that though. We ended the night in a great note and I felt truly comforted by him as he treated me with kindness and dignity. Next days we kept the convo going, he was still consistent, no change of behaviour from his part, apart from a selfie he sent me where he was looking greatly concerned and I asked about it and he confirmed he was still clouded by worries of what I had told him. We then made plans to meet again, I told him I’d make him lunch and we would have a chill afternoon binging something.
When the day came, he was so happy to see me, and so affectionate telling me sweet things again, no change on his behaviour, everything was sweet from the moment he came through the door, till things got heated and we were progressing to sex and do foreplay and so he wanted to go down on me, which I was reluctant to let him but we both gave in and he did it and on that very moment something just clicked on him and his whole energy changed, he said he shouldn’t do it, he was being irrational, and rushed to the bathroom. I was left with the worst kind of feeling on that very moment, felt like a total garbage.
He came back displaying a pitty face. Started to apologise to me, I started crying, he came to comfort me again but his energy had already changed and I knew he wanted to let me down nicely and be gone. We chatted for a bit, he was trying to make me feel well with myself but I knew that would be the end of it.
I had bought him already a Xmas gift and I was randomly looking across the room where my gaze was being directed to it while I was quietly listening he trying to comfort me so he asked if there was anything sentimental in it and I answered I had written him a heart felt card apart from the gifts, he asked for the card and left the gifts aside, gave me a last kiss while my tears were falling and left.
When he got home, he messaged me saying how tore him apart to leave me in that state I was. Told me how bad he wanted to be with me and that He had not connected with someone so well lately as he did with me ( he deals with depression, take meds, had an abusive childhood due to his mother mental issues, anxiety etc), went on to say that I was being the only positive thing in his life that moment but it was a very tough situation. He felt deeply sorry for me because I seemed a wonderful woman and he wished to know the guy who did that to me to hit the shit out of him, but nevertheless it was a reason and heart matter and the only thing he could think to do was to distance himself unfortunately. He told me that making that decision was the worst he ever faced with, even when he wanted to commit suicide but he just didn’t know how to deal with it really. The passion was there and was big but so his fear of getting it.
I can’t put to words how I feel. I supported his rational decision throughout. Told him that I truly understood him and that was the right and sensible thing for him to do.
I can’t help how I feel though, as if I am damaged goods that can’t even be recycled. It is very tough and I honestly think I might be forever alone now.
Is there any hope for me at all? I definitely don’t have any intention of meeting anyone new anytime soon cause I have to go through this painful process every time but will I ever be able to find someone who will see me beyond my HSV2 status? *Sigh*
I don’t have hopes to hear from him anymore but I genuinely felt he connected with me and he treated me with dignity from the beginning till the moment he had to be honest and say to me he couldn’t deal with it. I thought we were going to spend Xmas together but now, it will be only me and the little intense memories we shared š¢.
20 comments
I don’t understand. It’s just Herpes type 2. I get that it is not the oral kind of Herpes, but the genital one. But 13% of the world population have that.
You’ll definitely find someone to whom that is not a deal-breaker. And having HSV2 says nothing about your worth. It’s just a footnote.
As long as your taking meds to control it, and are aware of outbreaks itās really nbd. A lot of people have it and donāt disclose it even.
Iād chalk it up to him being insecure in general. Sounds like he has other issues as well. Good luck.
Sorry to hear about this . Reading your post made me feel sad and I don’t even know you . š you seem like a beautiful caring lady and he lost ya but in reality he got scared I don’t blame him some people have fear of all that . In my eyes I would have gone the route and made it clear if we go through with this and I get it we are now together forever .. feom the way you sound I would have stayed he was a lucky guy to have you . I wish I knew or had a lady as caring as you š
That’s unfortunate. Do you usually reveal your condition before or after meeting in person. I ask because some people might have a hard time being honest in person or might give into the lust of the moment and regret later. Not your fault. But if you aren’t already doing so maybe letting people know earlier will help you to weed out unsuitable candidates. Instead of thinking about it as a handicap, think about it as one of your deal breakers if someone isn’t open to it. Just a mind shift to empower yourself a little.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. For what it’s worth I don’t think he thought of you as damaged goods. It did seem like he was really into you. Just towards the end he realized there were some things he couldn’t accept.
Hang in there. Telling him was 100% the right thing to do.
That’s sad but you did a good job to tell him about your situation before sex. I suggest you to trust the process. Someone who truly loves you will never put you aside and true love is worth the wait.
How did you get it…? The way in which you got it rather than the disease itself may be what made him apprehensive
I think so many people work look past this. That you will realize that anyone that canāt work with it is not worth your time.
I’m sorry to hear this.. I want to DM you some info that might be helpful.
It hurts, but you did the right thing by telling him before you were intimate.
Posting your status in your ad is a choice only you can make but it will help you as the relationship develops.
I went out with a guy and after a few dates he disclosed this right after weād stripped down about to have sex. I had *no* clue how to react. I told him I had to think on it and we hung out after that but I ultimately decided it was a dealbreaker for me. I appreciated his honesty and was honest with him, as well. But itās not a small thing and I would have rather been told before we were about to have sex.
P.s., I got HPV from being raped, and it progressed to pre-cancerous and the whole treatment process was incredibly traumatic for me and I just donāt want an STI ever again.
Sounds like this guy didnāt communicate well, but his leaving was likely because this was a deal breaker not because he didnāt like *you*
Donāt let it bother you. It too have the virus itās an every day part of life. Iām sorry itās hard to deal with people u think care hurting u.
The thing that bothers me is that he was willing to look past it to have sex with you multiple times, and THEN decided he couldnāt handle it. That bothers me because it makes it seem like no matter how kind he was about it, he got the sex he wanted and then decided to bounce. I would have had more respect for his decision to not engage with you because of the virus if he hadnāt already had sex with you first.
So you have herpes and you waited until almost sex to tell him? Why not tell him before yāall meet?
Iāve been told right before sex as well. I found it to be completely manipulative. The chances of rejection is lower when hormones and lust is involved. That needs to be disclosed before that. I know itās tough and anxiety ridden to have to disclose. After the first date pull the trigger and disclose.
Isnāt this entirely manageable these day? Isnāt the statistic like 1 in 3 people have this? The stigma against herpes is overly harsh, and itās clear youāve internalized that stigma on a deep level. *You are not damaged goods*.
It might be useful for you to see a therapist who has some experience with this kind of thing because step one is getting out of the self-malaise youāve acquired over this. Understand, the way you cope with this mentally is as important as the way you manage it physically. Aside from therapy please read some more literature about it, and hear from some people who also have it, write about it and have methods of dealing with it to share. Listen to Dan Savage any time he addresses it, he has a lot of helpful things to say about it, and has had a lot of experts on his podcast who address it as well.
Once you can get to a better place about it for *yourself*, youāre gonna figure out better ways of presenting this to potential partners so that when you do, they donāt take it like itās the end of the world. This guy is young, and uninformed and ultimately was reading your own feelings of being ādamaged goodsā and being unworthy of his love.
Iām sorry for your difficulties, I really feel for you, but it is something 3.7 billion people cope with- youāre going to figure it out. Please take the time to figure it out for yourself and once you do, you will have the capacity to help potential partners and lovers figure it out too. I promise thereās love for you out thereā¦ be patient now, mostly with yourself, and at some point youāll get thereā¦ big love
āas he had not a clue of what it wasā
This blows my mind that people are having sex with NO knowledge of STIs. He probably would have an unprotected sex with no questions asked if OP hadnāt said anything. All of the women I know are knowledgeable about all STIs and most men I come across donāt know which ones are curable, incurable or how serious any of them are. It probably depends a lot on culture and education but man itās scary.
As someone who is a bit of a germaphobe and suffers from bad health anxiety, I truly understand why someone would find this as a dealbreaker. There are people who wonāt care, you just have to siphon through them to find one. Iām sorry OP.
Well, he gave you the same “verdict” that most guys would… Slap on a condom and “punish” the shit outta you!
I’m just messing with you. Seriously though, that guy’s a real POS. How can you not see that? He literally just used your shame and guilt against you to guarantee some easy sex.
Probably was allowed to dominate sexually any way he wanted to, and then basically walked away when he got enough of the freebie conquest in his mind.
I actually do speak for all men, btw. š And for all men, I do apologize for this guy and his BS. You obviously deserve better. Yes, you did do the right thing by bringing it up. But don’t wait for some asshole to APPROVE you of your condition. It’s a take it or leave it.
So, look, there is an actual cost to giving it up, one way or another. Sometimes it’s something that lingers like this. But nobody should put up with some sewer rat using that against them. Either he wanted to be with you and work around this, or he couldn’t accept it and move on without taking advantage first.
I would usually say, F’ this guy… But that just seems painfully ironic in this case. š
For what itās worth, I had a friend I knew through my roommate that had it and she joined a dating site specifically for people with HSV2. She met a man and they are now married with children. No idea if the site still exists because that was about 8 years ago, but that may be worth looking into.