We have been together for 3 years now and we have discussed taking the next steps, but recently something happened which has made me very uneasy.
So we are both big fans of White Lotus series and while watching it we were discussing whether Cameron and Daphne have an open relationship or do they just cheat on each other while pretending to not notice what the other is doing? And it was during this discussion that she said it would be so much fun for them if they just agree to an open relationship. So I asked if she would like it and she said sure, if I agreed then she would have no objections to it and it will be fun.
Now I know people have open relationships and are happy in it but I am not one of them. I am a simple guy who wants a monogamous relationship. And this disclosure from her has now me doubting our future, I dont want to get married and have kids only to have this bomb dropped on me that my wife wants an open relationship. I just dont know what to do here guys. I really like her and we are compatible in most regards but this conversation has thrown a wrench in our situation.
I could really use some advice here Reddit. I didnt expect my year to end like this in turmoil.
24 comments
Only she can answer your questions. Talk to her. See where she stands now and plans for the future. Then decide.
For me, I would be out.
This would be a deal breaker for me, I don’t agree with the comments saying that since she won’t do anything unless you agree that it’s not an issue. It is a serious mismatch in values if you’re entirely monogamous and she isn’t. Tbh I’d talk to her and tell her exactly that, you would never want to do something like this and try to figure out what her feelings are on it more in depth and go from there. I’ve heard way too many stories of monogamous people in relationships with those who don’t value monogamy that end badly.
Why are you talking to Reddit instead of her? The open/closed thing isn’t nearly as big a deal(it’s big) as the ‘I don’t have a relationship where I’m comfortable talking openly and honestly with my SO’ thing.
It seems like this came up organically. It’s not like she has been wanting to bring this up to you or something she’s thought a lot about.
Before I read that you’re not into it, I was going to tell you to make sure *she’s* really sure. It’s a topic you only talked about once, in the context of a fictional television show. I imagine she wouldn’t be too happy with the reality of it, same as you.
I would be clear on your stance and make sure she’s happy with monogamy. As long as that conversation goes well, I see no issue.
Weird comments. “Only if you want it…” No, y’all’s
values don’t seem aligned. Look at it this way you don’t want to share her but she is willing to share you. This could end bad in the future. Be true to who you are and go with what your gut is telling you
Gl
Just ask her then. I could happily be in an open relationship but have been married monogamously for 11 years and never once doubted this decision. Just because one is capable of unpossesive love styles does not mean they can’t value and like a traditional relationship. It does, however, mean you should probably have a few deep conversations and see what her real values are. Also, see if she herself sees a real value in monogamy. I find great value in it, I simply don’t think it’s the only potential answer to building a long happy life.
Reddit is a wild place lmao.
>And it was during this discussion that she said it would be so much fun for them if they just agree to an open relationship. So I asked if she would like it and she said sure, if I agreed then she would have no objections to it and it will be fun.
If this was the literal extent of your convo regarding your relationship being open, then it could mean literally anything. Could be big, could be the smallest micro-organism…
Just bring it up with your gf. Has she ACTUALLY THOUGHT about/wanted an open relationship? Why would an open relationship be “fun” according too her? Does she value an open relationship more than a monogamous relationship? After having a deeper convo about her thoughts on an open relationship mention your issues with it and that you’re worried that your values are too different from hers, see how she reacts too that.
A lot of people think a threesome would be “fun” but that doesn’t end their relationship because they respect their partner’s boundaries of not inviting a 3rd into their bedroom…
These comments telling you to leave her are weird as fuck. At the very least you need to have a serious conversation with her and find out to what degree she’s interested in an open relationship. Does she NEED an open relationship, or is it just something she’s heard of that intrigues her?
Just to comment on the show, it’s blindly obvious that they just cheat on each other and pretend not to notice or just don’t tell (Cam says as much). They’re definitely not “open” in anyway.
On your personal situation though it’s a tricky one. I don’t necessarily think expressing that you would be open to having an open relationship is a killer the first time. But if you make it clear that you’re monogamous and that’s all you will ever be and they give you any push back on it whatsoever, then yeah I think your relationship is done. I don’t think for me as someone who is wholly monogamous there would be any coming back from that.
I would have an honest chat with your GF and express that you will only ever be monogamous and see what her reaction is. For me if her response is anything other than “that’s all good by me”, then I would move on as I just don’t think you’re compatible.
You’re the one that brought it up…….
She may be having the same thoughts as you about why you even asked…just fucking ask her
I would never be in an open relationship. If it doesn’t align with your values at all, this could be a sign that you’re incompatible on a deeper level.
However, you really have to talk to her to see how serious she was about it. She could have been just joking around, or saying something she didn’t really mean because of the show you were watching. It was a brief comment that she didn’t expand on. Have a real, honest conversation with each other about what type of relationship and future you see with each other. If she expresses that she genuinely would be interested in an open relationship, you may as well save yourself some time and heartbreak now and end things. Neither of you would be wrong for wanting what you want. Just incompatible. Good luck OP.
Info: is she saying she does want it or just that she is open to the idea of an open relationship? I don’t think it would necessarily be a deal breaker if she only saying she is open to the idea of it.
It hurts my heart when I hear about couples talking about a hypothetical situation, and someone reads too deeply into it. Saying it sounds like fun doesn’t mean that it’s something she needs in order to be happy. Or even thought about before you guys were in that conversation.
It’s like this other post I saw where the guy asked about a threesome, and the girl was so uncomfortable that he would even ASK.
I don’t understand, and maybe that’s okay. I’m just the kind of person that always wants my SO to feel safe. I want them to know that there’s no harm in asking or telling me anything, ever. I will always respond with love, even when it hurts. If my feelings are hurt, we talk about it, and proceed as a team.
I personally think that if she’s still giving you the love and respect that you deserve, and doesn’t try to push your boundaries, there really isn’t an issue, to me… but this isn’t my relationship, and if this is some kind of deal breaker for you, so be it. Just please make sure she knows she didn’t do anything wrong. Because all she did was feel comfortable enough around you to say what was on her mind…
You might be better off having this conversation with your partner…
Just be honest, dude.
“I know I asked first, but it was only out of curiosity. I want to state it plainly, just so you know my feelings on it, that I will never want **any** kind of non-monogamy. It’s not something I’ll ever be interested in or compromise on. Maybe it seems silly that I’m taking this so serious…but I just wanted to get it out there so there’s never any confusion or miscommunication down the road.”
I don’t understand what the problem is. You asked her opinion. She said it. She did not say you should open the relationship. She did not drop a bomb on you. She is not cheating on you. Did you prefer her to lie and not be open with you? This is an illogical thing to break up over.
Y’all are wild. It was a passing comment that came up in a contextually appropriate way. It’s possible she didn’t put any real thought into it.
There’s no other answer than seriously discussing it. There’s a strong chance she doesn’t really think this way. She said it sounded “fun.” Non monogamy is a lot of extra work and I imagine most mature people who seriously consider it understand it’s not something you just do for a good time.
Plenty of non monogamous people enthusiastically choose monogamy. They’re choosing you above other lifestyles that they know are *possible,* not options they feel they’re missing out on. It’s a testament to how much they value you, not a trap on your end.
Seriously though, you’re making this way harder for yourself by obsessing over a possible non-issue rather than being straight with her. If monogamy is important for you, stand up for it. If she feels the same, you’re set and checked off a very important requirement in your relationship. If she doesn’t, just break up and move on with your self-respect.
As someone with experience in open relationships, even when both people wholeheartedly agree and want to open up a marriage/relationship, it can be super tricky. I can’t imagine it ever working long term when one person isn’t sold on the idea.
It will never fix a broken relationship.
It isn’t an answer to mis-matched libido or curiosity of a partner. If you aren’t sure now, it’s not for you. Good luck
Perhaps talk to her? Why do you go to the worst place for advice? I guess Karma.
It sounds like you guys were just having a playful, hypothetical conversation about open relationships, not that she was asking to have one or expressing her desire to be in one. I think you are reading way deeper into it then you need to. But if it really bothers you, just go back to her and say you were a bit concerned by what she said and you want to make sure she knows that is not something you’d ever be interested in and that you prefer monogamy.
Seems that the two of you didn’t talk about this enough. Talk to her again! Ask more questions and explain where are you coming from. Sometimes people are open to the idea of open relationships but it doesn’t mean that they absolutely need one or that will not be happy in a monogamous relationship
Personally, I think there’s a big difference between people who see an alt lifestyle/kink and think it would be fun to try if possible, but don’t need it and people who genuinely want/need it.
To me, it’s similar to people who think maybe once in a while busting cuffs out in bed is fun vs people who need to dominate or submit.
At the end of the day it boils down to communication, touch base with her and see if it’s something she thinks she’d need, or just something she thinks is kind of interesting because of the show.
White lotus spoilers!!! My man 😭
A few days ago, my fiancé and I got drunk at a wedding we were attending, and I told him I would be open to experimenting with that sort of thing. (I’m not sure I’m as comfortable with that idea in hindsight and sober, but ah, well.) This is something we’ve talked about in the past and it’s always been a mutual “no.” But we’ve been together quite a long time (about the same time as you and your GF) and I feel comfortable and confident enough in our relationship to communicate honestly with him about these kinds of things.
He said he would not be comfortable with that, and I dropped it. In fact, about 10 minutes later I went so far as to reassure him that, even though I brought up experimentation, it’s something I would never do without his consent and that I will always be his, no question, whether or not we ever want to revisit this conversation. I wanted to be sure he knew that, because he’s been cheated on in the past. I told him I don’t want him to ever feel like he has to doubt my love or loyalty. He said he understood, and we moved on.
Have you told your girlfriend how you’re feeling? Because from what you wrote, it sounds like you asked her an off-handed question and she answered honestly. She hasn’t even expressed a real desire to open the relationship, only that “it would be fun.” To me, that sounds like a woman who loves you and is comfortable enough to be honest with you about anything – that’s something to be grateful for!
But I understand your nervousness – which brings me back to the question of whether you and her have actually sat down and *talked* about this. And it doesn’t have to be anything high-pressure or accusatory. It can be as simple as:
“Hey, GF. Can we talk real quick? I love you and I know that both of us see a future together, so I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. The other night when we were watching White Lotus, you said you’d consent to an open relationship and that you could see yourself enjoying it. I’m glad you told me that, but I just want you to know that I don’t believe I could ever consent to that. I want to maintain a fully monogamous relationship with you for as long as we’re together, and I’m just feeling insecure that you might not be okay with that in the future.”
Then let her talk, and go from there. But definitely don’t make any big decisions without even giving her a chance to talk to you about it. It’s okay to want a monogamous relationship and for that to be a deal breaker. It’s *not* okay to decide that your girlfriend will absolutely want to be polyamorous in the future and break up with her because of that when she hasn’t said anything of the sort.
I hope that all makes sense and helps you sort out your thoughts. In any relationship, communication is key. Just remember that the two of you are a team, so always try to work together.