I’ve (23M) been dating my gf (21F) and I’m deeply in love with her. Honestly thinking she might be the one and she has repeatedly brought up the idea of bringing another woman one night during sext time. There’s a couple reasons why I dislike the idea. For one I honestly don’t want to have sex with anyone that isn’t her and the idea doesn’t even turn me on. Second I asked her if doing it with a woman would made her want an experience with another guy as well and she said that’s something she has thought before but having another guy into our sex life is a complete NO for me. I really don’t want that.
So I’m stuck in this position where I really want to satisfy her and all her needs but I’m really scared this may become an issue because she’s said it many times before and really wants to do it with me. What should I do?
42 comments
See you at the gym
If you have a boundary against having a threesome, then the discussion is over. DO NOT do this to please here, that will surely ruin the relationship. You simply say “I want to have a purely monogamous relationship and this is not up for further discussion.” and that is the end of it. If there is pressure to do it anyway, then you are with someone that doesn’t respect you.
Ultimately it’s a matter of one of you accepting the other’s stance on this as there’s very little room for compromise. Can she sacrifice the idea of living out this fantasy if that’s what it takes to stay with you? Could you deal with having a threesome with another woman if you both agreed you wouldn’t have a threesome with another man? You say you don’t want to do that, but is it that you’re just not interested, or would the idea be actually unpleasant? Could it be something you’d be willing to go through for her sake if you could both agree a threesome with another man is out of the question? I think that’s really about the limit of compromise here.
Of course, you shouldn’t agree to do something you don’t want to do, but we all make some level of sacrifice for our partners, it’s just a matter of where you personally draw that line.
If it’s still a no, then she will basically have to make a choice between living out her fantasies or staying with you.
It’s a trap
You have your boundaries, and stick to them, you are in your strictest right.
You are both young, so stay open to new experiences. It is ok to change over time. My wife (37F) and I (41M) are having wonderful encounters with our girlfriend. My wife is in fact bisexual. She likely always has been, but opened herself to it in her early thirties. Pleasing 2 girls at once is a huge turn on and ego booster for me, and our friend enjoys quality time with us.
We never had a threesome with another male, that is currently neither mine nor her interest. Should it arise, I will gladly go for it. Discovery and compersion are the key words here. If I could give advice to my younger 20 something me, it would be to be more open and confident.
Discuss with her to understand her exact expectations. If she is the one, you will be spending 50 to 60 years together, so make sure there are as little frictions as possible from the beginning. Splitting up is easier now than 10 years down the road with a mortgage and kid(s).
You don’t want this at all. It really is that simple.
If you do have a threesome with a girl. Don’t let her guilt you into a threesome with a guy ..
Yeah, if you are not into it, it will never work.
I’m not saying this to alter your decision but you can have a threesome with another girl and not have sex with her. Your gf can be with her and you can do stuff to your gf.
The second girl coming to your bed could be someone to be with you, but could be also someone for her. You are very young and healthy, so the experiment will not hurt you. Keeping an open mind you help you in the future, but that doesn’t mean you have to surrender your principles.
The answer is you put your foot down and say no.
Sex isn’t something you compromise on. Enthusiastic enjoyment from all parties or bust.
It is a trap. Be bold with your choice and if she still insists, break up.
Bro your relationship will be ruined. Find a new girl. I don’t want my girl even thinking shit like that G.
It’s already an issue with no good options. Denying her is bad and going into that unwilling definitely is.
I’d tell her honestly that it’s not something you can plan for and if she set it up there is a 99% chance you won’t be into it at that moment, which, I would also truthfully say having a bit experience and previous enthusiasm for the concept.
Getting 3 people equally turned on at the same time and distributing tasks satisfactorily is a challenge.
Scope accordingly. Like super small scope. Would you both enjoy having another woman touch your upper thigh sexually before you go with your gf to cuddle up without her? Maybe she’ll get excited and you can appreciate that and plan for the next little more another night.
Maybe something like that is good if plan to keep romantic for decades.
Jesus christ, there’s some doomsayers in this thread…
So OP, unless I’m completely misunderstanding your post, it’s not like your GF hit you with an ultimatum like “FMF OR ELSE”, right?
She brought up the idea because it turns her on. That’s not unusual.
You’re not comfortable with the idea; it doesn’t turn you on. That’s also not unusual.
But there’s a metric fuck ton of things that “turns on one person and not the other.” You talk “threesomes” and replace it with “anal” or “bondage” or “foot stuff” or….you get the idea.
I feel like you’re lowkey panicking over nothing.
It comes down to this:
First: How important is having a threesome to your GF? Is that a deal-breaker for her? If not, then play with the fantasy but it doesn’t have to be some IRL thing.
Second: How open would you be with a threesome anywhere down the road? Is this something you’d *like* to become more comfortable with at some point, you’re just not ready now? Or you know, in your heart-of-hearts, “I will *never* want this*”? If it’s the latter, then you should be upfront and tell her that.
But if you are open, possibly, to the idea, then it’s something that the two of you talk about. And then talk about. And then talk about some more. Both of you are *patient* with the process. You take baby steps. You don’t rush anything.
That could take years but that’s the whole point of being patient. You’re not promising anything, you’re just saying “I’m not comfortable with the idea right now but I’m open to talking about it.”
Unless you’re not open to it, *which is your right*. But again, she should know that too.
Lastly: threesomes aren’t supposed to be transactional in the sense that if you do a FMF (let alone by *her request*), that means she’s entitled to ask for a MFM later. That’s just not how it works and anyone suggesting otherwise is being disingenuous.
You mention she keeps bringing it up and trying to convince you, usually those types will go through with it anyway, they just wanted to feel better about it so they were hoping for your “support”. Don’t be shocked if you find out she cheated eventually, she wants to do this and still keep you, but you’re not into it. If you’re not comfortable with it or it makes you feel unsettled, stand firm. It’s clearly important to her but it makes you uncomfortable, you may have to consider seeing other people. You’re only 23.
Your girlfriend wants to fuck other people, probably not just women. You don’t. This seems simple from the outside looking in. I’m sorry.
It’s also becoming clear to me a large number of women your age operate this way. So I don’t think there’s any way around it.
This is your boundary.
Stand by it.
Boundaries exist for very good reasons.
Tell her you’re not into it? Not rocket science
Then don’t.
You’re not required to burn yourself alive in order to keep other people warm.
If your partner can’t accept that you do not want a threesome I think it may be time to have a bigger discussion about the relationship as a whole.
You’re completely in your right for not wanting something that makes you uncomfortable.
If you don’t want to engage in any type of sexual behavior/actions then DO NOT. Period, end of discussion.
Do not do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Most of the advice here has been spot on.
Bringing a third (or fourth) into the bedroom requires either an extremely strong relationship built up over years with trust, communication, and dedication or a lack of care about the longevity of your current relationship.
I would not try this with someone you are just dating and given, your age I doubt you’ve been together long enough to have established a foundation strong enough to add this construct to.
***That is, if you want to stay with this person.*** But keep in mind, you’re both young and have plenty of time to explore and your dating pool at 23 is probably as big as it will ever be again in your lifetime. If you’re going to go for it and if she is willing to nuke the relationship over this whether you do or not then… hey, si vive una volta sola.
​
I know 23-year-old me was NOT down for this and I ended my first marriage over this exact argument and the ‘situation’ that arose from it. But nowadays, a couple decades later. Things are less black and white.
Though it’s sweet you want to help satisfy her needs, if you have a boundary you don’t want to cross you need to make that clear with them. Satisfy each other, not just focus on one all the time, there are always other things you both can do
You may be overthinking this as well, though this maybe something she’s interested in trying it’s nothing uncommon to think about
My partner (26M) has talked to me about wanting to try a threesome at some point, we had a conversation laying out what I feel comfortable with if we did and what he would feel comfortable with. We discussed what would be a no go for the third party and things we should and shouldn’t do with said third party.
I (21F) told my partner that I am infact a VERY jealous person and I have no idea how I’ll react with a threesome (we agreed we’d only do females as the third) and I told him everything I wouldn’t want him doing to the girl, and things he doesn’t want me doing, and he understood.
Lay out your concern to her, and why you don’t want to. She should understand and you both should be able to find other ways to satisfy each other rather than just focusing on one.
Two options; hardline boundary and she stays, Hardline Boundary and she leaves. No three ways about it
Famous last words are “just one time”. If you really don’t want to try, it may be a deal breaker. If you try it ounce, she’ll want it more and, again, deal breaker. Find a woman who is happy with just you.
Ask Mr. Dil D. Oh for some help
You can just say no. From your post it doesn’t seem like she’s giving you an ultimatum or anything, so why can’t you just say no? Don’t do anything you don’t want to do out of pressure. If she has a problem with you saying no then she’s not “the one” for you.
Dump her!
Honestly I’d really like to find a partner into threesomes as well to be sexually compatible in long run but would never coerce or expect someone to be comfortable with that. I bring it up pretty early that I’m into them if comfortable situation would arise..
I’m bi and I’ve brought this up during sexy times before. It’s just a fantasy for me and my boyfriend though. We wouldn’t actually go through with it. Maybe that’s how it is with her. Just dirty talk. Don’t overthink it
Don’t do it then. You have a boundary, now put your foot down and tell her not to cross it and if it’s a problem for her then maybe yall just won’t work out.
I kind of disagree with many of the comments. If you aren’t interested, then it’s a no. BUT if you haven’t tried it you may be missing out. If she wants to bring another woman into the mix, that doesn’t mean that you have to be a part. I’m more than happy to take an observer’s role and watch my better half play with her girlfriend. Just grab a chair and prepare to get turned on. I agree that you are under no obligation to bring in another guy later on just because you went along with having another woman. All I’m saying is to open up to the idea, find out if it’s really a turn-off and then you really know. You should appreciate that she is willing to bring up the topic rather than repressing honest conversation with you.
Being so young, I see this as her still wanting to explore where as you are ready to commit. I fear you both may want to different of things
I don’t know why I read that as PARENT and not PARTNER☠️
Don not agree to to anything that you are not enthusiastic about.
I suspect that you are basically incompatible.
I suggest couples counseling to help you work out these issues.
Good luck
Sex is about enthusiastic consent from all parties. If you do not want to do it. Then don’t do it. Plain and simple. She then has to decide if she respects your boundary or will dump you over a fantasy. If she dumps you over a fantasy. Then she wasn’t a compatible partner for you anyways
You’re being such a selfish person as most men are if you want to have a threesome with another girl and then yet you don’t want her to have a threesome with a guy don’t have a threesome period but now you know that situation is already there so you either have to allow it and deal with it or pretty much end it because if you don’t and you do allow it and then you regret it your relationship will be so much worse.
This is not okay.
You have boundaries on this topic. No doubt that she does too. Everyone does. Personally, my position is that if it isn’t monogamous, and involves fucking other people, you may as well be single as you’ll be left for dust. I had one experience with a poly relationship. It did not go well.
Now, I’m not saying that is your boundary. You may be more/less extreme than that. You want a monogamous relationship from what I can gather – no-one else involved except you and your partner. That’s fine. That is your boundary.
She has a different one that clashes with yours. And with boundaries as important as that, that is not something to ignore. Ignoring boundaries like that leads to breakups.
From what I can see, you two are not compatible. You seem to be OK in other aspects, but you clearly have different wants to her in this respect.
Honestly, to avoid the heartache of having this happen (whether by you caving in or by you finding her in bed with another guy/girl), you may as well just cut the cable and move on.
I’m sorry this has happened to you, OP.
Bro I’m a monogamous man you need to run and look for someone else that’s all about you and only wants you in bed