My [29F] husband [29M] and I have been together for 8 years and married for less than one. For the majority of our time together I’ve had a much higher sex drive than him. I want sex all day, everyday. I am always in the mood. This really wasn’t an issue early on because he was always very adamant about pleasing me, even if he wasn’t in the mood.
However, as time has moved forward we began having less and less sex. Physical and emotional intimacy has become nearly nonexistent. We haven’t had sex in 8 months. He refuses to talk about this situation. He shuts down every time, no matter how gently I bring it up. I’ve asked him to see a doctor, to check his testosterone levels, to see a therapist… I’ve even considered the fact that he might be gay. I’m just desperate for any answer, because at this point I’m only blaming myself.
I’m a conventionally attractive woman. I keep in good shape, I’m always asking my husband what I can do to help him get in the mood, always asking if his other needs are met. I try to be mindful of his own sex drive because I know it can be a sensitive topic for men. But I can’t tip-toe around this forever. It’s not only sex I’m missing, but the emotional intimacy and connection that comes with it too.
Anytime I attempt to initiate physical intimacy, or god forbid sex, I am rejected and it’s taking a huge toll on my self-esteem. I feel undesirable and uncared for. I’m irritable and depressed. We fight all the time and I feel like a huge part of it is because my needs aren’t being met. I feel like I’m losing it.
I would love any advice!
27 comments
If he won’t take steps to fix it, find someone else
You may need to talk to him about separation if he keeps stonewalling and refuses to talk about it.
I wouldn’t cheat on him but especially if you don’t have children you can move out while you figure out the next steps. If that doesn’t get his attention your marriage may be over.
Do you have kids?
Is he fit and healthy? I had a lot of chronic health issues that lowered my drive/ energy in general.
This is a sad situation. Sex is important stuff. A man that does not want sex is kinda an oddity.
Sex is very important in a marriage. It’s the emotional, physical intimacy that keeps you connected and not just room mates. Try therapy together or ask him to go on his own. Express to him exactly how you feel and how it may impact the marriage. I’ve had good luck with writing a letter to express how I feel. There’s something about seeing your feelings written it that just hit differently. If he still refuses to work things out you may have to consider ending it. I hope that doesn’t happen. Wishing you a positive outcome.
I am recovering from this right now, I tried everything, and time passed, wasted years, my self-esteem is never going to fully recover from this.
I wish I would have asked did a separation a long time ago, instead I got desperate and made a lot of mistakes, and I mean A LOT, and finally got to the point of asking for a separation.
He may seek medical help which may be simple blood work. Check his testosterone levels. He has to be willing to seek help!
If he is unwilling to take any action or even talk about it you are gonna need to get a divorce.
Possible porn addiction.
Check r/DeadBedrooms
My advice – get a couples counselor. If you both plan on staying married its the best investment you can make. (note: find a *good* one you both can agree on. They aren’t all good.)
Communicates escalating into fights should be addressed. If he is unwilling to commit to counseling, or cant. Start with I statements: I feel undesired. I feel depressed. I feel like my needs aren’t being met. Those should be powerful statements to him if he loves you and is committed to you.
Normal means a lot of things to a lot of people. Does he have depression? Meds? Porn addiction? Are you nagging him about it / other things? Could he have an STD?
If he understands your feelings and doesn’t care / won’t /can’t whip it out, consider introducing the concept of an open relationship. Even if this is the furthest thing from your mind, the concept is outside the *normal* routine I imagine and should snap him to attention so he understands the stakes. Be prepared to remind him, or even lead the intro with your primary goal is: intimacy with your husband. If he is the jealous type, it may be best to avoid, but then your options are more limited in regard to staying married.
Good luck!
Before your mind jumps to anything nefarious: men are known to hide their depression symptoms very well for a long time. I saw you mention below that he isn’t fit or healthy. Many people who are not physically healthy also struggle with their mental health. It could be that he doesn’t have the stamina/has low self-esteem/physically can’t get it up right now. A couples therapy could help you unpack that. If he doesn’t go for that, maybe he’d be willing to go to therapy by himself at the start.
Would he consider giving you permission to seek sex outside the marriage?
I’m a 33f, and my husband is 51.
A couple years into our relationship, he started experiencing erectile dysfunction. It wasn’t impossible, but he would go soft within 10 minutes or so.
He became really depressed, and it affected our relationship greatly. I was 24, he was 42, and he was considering ending our relationship. He felt like I could do better than him and that he was holding me back from a younger more “capable guy.”
After a three month stretch with no sex, I scheduled an appointment for him to see his gp. He ultimately got viagra.
Whoah…let me just say—of all the things we have gotten through because of our age gap, Viagra was the craziest haha. We started having sex again.
Every day, multiple times a day—it was a lot, but it was amazing to have our sexual chemistry reignited. After he gained his confidence back, we started looking into reversing ED.
Now, I know every man is different, but I have to say that if you can convince your husband it’s worth trying—it could be life changing.
My husband and I started working out together, cooking at home more, eating healthy, the whole thing. And you know what? He got it back. He still keeps a bottle of viagra in the cupboard, but we’ve only used it a handful of times in the past 6 years.
The penis is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.
I would say keep trying to pep him up and let him know that there is so much he can do to get his sex drive back.
I’m sorry you two are going through this. Keep trying! ❤️
Sexual compatibility is a important issue that some couples often don’t think to discuss before and during marriage. I think it’s something you’ll have to discuss with your partner because if your needs are not being met, you might end up looking elsewhere with/without your partner’s consent
This is actually an everyday situation and can have many reasons. Mostly the reasons are stress, external pressures, fears…everything drains a man’s energy. And a man doesn’t feels it, he keeps going because he has to be the strong one. If your husband also has this problem, he should start with mindfulness to find himself. Learn to let go and give up control.
Since this is actually very difficult for a man, he needs your support.
Be bleesed and don´t give up. ❤️
I was like your bf, and my ex left me because of that after 4 years together, it completly crushed me.
Turned out I was depressed and had no sex drive anymore. I wish she would have brought up the subject before her final decision, I did not realized at all she was feeling that way, i hopefully woud have changed some things. If nothing changes then leave obviously 🙂
you have two incompatible sex drives and he refuses to do anything to change. you might have to just divorce him and find a different partner.
One thing to consider is maybe he is having a hard time getting it up and he doesn’t want to admit it. If this is the case, then the desperation for your needs is further driving him into a negative depressive cycle, which isn’t going to help. Of course, it isn’t helping that he isn’t communicating, but maybe he is hiding the uncomfortable truth?
Being asked by a partner whether they are getting pleasure from you is one thing, but maybe consider asking whether they are able to give themselves pleasure is another. I’d ignore the “he might be gay” notion for now, since that sounds a level of judgement that might not help unless you are both already openly open minded.
I haven’t had to deal with this in a relationship, but I have dealt with “getting it up” issues and as a guy it does make you feel useless and asking whether any woman would want me. Admitting this to friends is also hard, since you feel you have failed your role as a man and people will look at you funny. On the hand I have tested the water discussing with some friends, and sexual anxiety doesn’t seem uncommon.
All this said, I’d suggest finding a sexologist or other therapist that works with couples.
I [48M] hear you. The emotional and physical intimacy is what makes or breaks a relationship and sex plays a huge role. I, also the high-desire spouse, was rejected by my wife for years when I would try to initiate. She would use that time to criticize me for whatever happened that week. I wrote letters, gave cards, tried to talk, asked for therapy (which she flat out rejected). I continued being the dutiful husband and sacrificing my needs for hers. I filed for divorce 6 months ago.
Does he smoke or drink a lot? If he’s depressed, he may be embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. Let him know you love him, and you’re worried about him and about you as a couple. If you’re considering leaving because of it, tell him so.
Therapy, and have his hormones checked out. Sex is important, I’d leave it he wasn’t willing to get checked out.
Ask him where you should go to get your physical needs taken care of since he isn’t interested. Be direct, it’s the only way to get past whatever bullshit defense he’s trying to run on you. Tell him he is being an asshole.
You seem to have really strong willpower and self control based on some of your comments.
With that said, posting on reddit is a huge red flag you’re reaching a breaking point. Also you said you feel like you’re losing it, point blank.
I’ve been in a similar situation myself and can shed some light on what to expect so you’re aware of what will likely happen.
**First piece of advice:** I strongly advise avoiding substance use or going out/clubbing, because when we feel like we’re losing it and we become intoxicated, we will violently seek to have our needs met immediately with no inhibition- which will likely lead to mistakes.
**Second piece of advice**: You seem uninterested in ending the marriage, and are more or less locked into your situation. You’re going to develop some kind of ‘survival’ solution specifically tailored to your restrictions. I’d be lying if I said I knew what that would look like for you, but you will subconsciously fall into something that meets your minimum sexual requirements and doesn’t involve cheating or ending the marriage. There’s no avoiding that if nothing changes. You might start doing things that feel “lowly”, regrettable, or degenerative. You might have strange intrusive sexual thoughts. You might find yourself doing things you thought only depraved weirdo’s on the internet do. Just something to be aware of.
**Last piece of advice**: Do not blame yourself, because it’s very admirable how mature you’re handling everything. That being said, don’t blame your partner either because there’s a very high likelihood you will grow resentful of your husband even if the logical part of your brain knows better. It’s going to take additional maturity to not blame him, because in all honesty no one is to blame for anything here.
I’ll end on a positive note: It’s not the end of the world, but I know it probably feels that way for you. I truly empathize with what you’re going through and I know how much it can cause your emotions to go haywire.
I hope you find a solution, best of luck
Communication is everything. You two can’t move forward without it. There are many possible reasons (and maybe solutions) for this issue, but you won’t know them unless he opens up to you. I’m so sorry.
You need to sit him down and tell him he needs to communicate. If he is depressed, then he needs to open up about it to you so you can face the challenges TOGETHER.
You are not a mind reader. Tell him how this is affecting you the way you have told us, and that if he can’t communicate effectively and find a solution, things aren’t going to work
You are both too young to have so little sex. His refusal to seek advice is an indication that something is really wrong. Is you cannot convince him to get help, you could at least ask him to release you from chastity, so you could get sex elsewhere, without leaving him.
Any relationship where mismatched libidos exist will end. It may take a year it may take 30 years, but save yourself the trouble and move on from this scenario. At 29 if you’re not being laid like tile it isn’t going to get any better.