Any former “losers” get over their lack of confidence? (27M)

44 comments

1. I’ve gotten better about it over the years but it’s still there. Every so often I think about how an ex saw my head looking down while I walked with her (I’m tall, so I naturally tilt my head down to make eye contact I think) and how she gently guided my chin up and told me that I should stand prouder. That relationship ended in flames, but I catch myself remembering that and doing that correction to my posture every once in a while

2. She might have been concerned about your confidence but it probably wasn’t a judgement, just an observation. People can care for someone with low confidence and it’s their choice, it doesn’t have to be “unfair” to them.

   You want to be with someone you can talk with. Maybe let her know that you feel awkward and would really like her input as to what she likes while being intimate. When you know you’re doing what someone wants, it can boost your confidence in the moment.

   You can get to a place where you love yourself. Just don’t give up. It’s taken me years and years of working with various therapists to get to a good place. Be patient with yourself. Also, if you find it’s not working with a therapist, it’s okay to try someone else. Sometimes you just don’t click or they don’t have the right technique for you.

3. I think I can qualify as a former loser haha. When I was young I had extremely low self-esteem, largely because I was socially awkward, overthought everything, and got bullied and didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I’m now the most confident person ever (too confident? Probably).

   I really strongly believe that it’s never too late to build up your self-esteem! Even people who are extremely confident will feel insecure at times, and that’s normal. I think you’ll always have intrusive thoughts from time to time that are negative even when you become more confident. So don’t beat yourself up about that.

   But the best way to work on your confidence is through positive self-talk. Remind yourself about the things you do that you’re really proud of (like your weight loss, or your career, or your cute smile). Think about things that you like in other people and see if you can spot some of those things in yourself too. Start creating a narrative of who you think you are and who you want to be. Try to get those two things to match up. And whenever you have a thought like: I’m inexperienced, I’m a loser, whatever, interrupt that thought. Just be like: no, no, I might feel that way but actually I’m not!

   Change takes time but it’s definitely possible. And while your girlfriend can’t do the inner work you need to do, she can also support you in your journey towards better self esteem. Think about things you’d love to hear from her and let her know what they might be. E.g. maybe you really appreciate compliments on your style or something. Just let her know, and maybe she’ll give you more of those. She might not, but the key to any relationship is communicating your needs/wants.

   Also congratulations on being in your first relationship! That’s really exciting! Be gentle with yourself since this is your first, and you’re learning a lot about yourself (and her) right now. I hope you have fun on this journey! You can definitely do it!!

4. You’re not too old. I used to be cripplingly shy. In my early 40s I learnt to dance Salsa. Now I’m considered one of the best dancers in my area, women queue up to dance with me and my confidence has never been higher.

   Learn a skill; one that impresses people, one that works as a hobby, and ideally one that either keeps you fit or encourages you to get fit to get better at it.

5. For me confidence is less about hiding weakness, and more about acceptance. It got better, but I still feel insecure often. It is a natural feeling and doesn’t stand in the way of being confident. As weird as that sounds, its true. I try to relax and think straight, that can help.

6. I’ve been going to ‘white tantra’ workshops to help get familiar and confident with physical intimacy. It’s done me wonders, but I imagine it’s not for everyone.

7. Time, practice and communicating what you’re thinking and feeling to her. Don’t be afraid to open up if you trust her.

8. Yup

9. i started changing when i was 28

10. 27 is not old, our culture just prises the very young and naive.

    At some point in your life, youre going to realise that youre actually in this bitch, youre going to come to an end eventually, we all do .

    Do you really want to live your life being too timid to be the way you actually want to be?
    We all fucking suck, we are all awful in some way. Just, fuck it. Do your best and be sure to be learning something and having fun at all times.
    Theres nothing to be ashamed of, stop dicking around and step into your Self, how you want to be or see yourself. Shame is a construct, fear is a construct.

    If you want to get into it, it might be doubtful that any of this is “real”, the matrix has you, etc etc
    Would you play as this character in a video game?
    As long as youre not hurting anyone,
    Just fuck it

11. I did Cognitive behavioral therapy and it led me down the path of gaining self confidence and self esteem. More accurately, it gave me the tools that i needed to maintain and improve them.

    It absolutely can get better. I suffered from low confidence, low self esteem and intense self loathing for 7 years before doing CBT. Nowadays, i can hardly recognize the person i used to be back then. Now, I’m not exactly the social butterfly that i want to be, but i have made tremendous gains that i am incredibly grateful for.

    You going to therapy is a tremendous start, but realize that it can take quite a while for all that good stuff to start sinking in.
    I’m 27 years old too btw. I cannot stress enough, you can change your mindset and fix yourself if you commit to your therapy plan.

    You’re on the right track, keep going!

12. >I’ve traced the root of my issue to a lack of self esteem.

    Trace it deeper. *Why* do you have a lack of self esteem?

13. Give it some time. It took me a good 14 years of self improvement to become confident and socially awesome. You’re 2 months in. It’s going to be a long journey. Thankfully, you’re in therapy so maybe it’ll be faster for you. All you can do is get better every day. Also, exercise and get enough sleep. That does help with confidence.

14. One thing that works for me is that I don’t identify with my thoughts. Thoughts come and go, I observe them but I choose to accept it or not. You’re not your thoughts, you’re just an observer. You’re a person sitting on the beach and thoughts are like waves. They come & go. Meditation helped me quite a lot with that. I watch lot of videos on space/universe to feel the fact that nothing truly matters in the grand scheme of life. Self love needs not to be big things. It can be as little as going to gym. Or writing this post over here. Or talking about how you feel. Or watching your favourite movie. You already do love yourself! It’s okay not to be perfect all the time, trust me everyone struggles with lack of self love time & again. I’m 23, a lot of my friends see me as this confident person, but i struggle with self esteem time & again. It’s okay to be that, moments like these will happen all the time.

15. It’s not fair to her? That is a mindset you need to work against. You being who you are isn’t unfair to anyone, if she’s really patient and loving it won’t matter if you’re awkward, or shy, or inexperienced.

    In fact, any person that blatantly says “you’re awkward and not confident” is not trying to lift you up in any meaningful way. It may be true to some degree, it may even be her trying to help, but it’s the wrong way.

    The only thing that matters is if you make each other happy. You don’t need to be anything more than who you are, and if you felt truly comfortable and accepted, you wouldn’t fear judgement from the person who is supposed to love you. Love is doing something embarrassing and getting no reaction. It’s someone accepting your flaws and not trying to change you. If you feel truly loved and comfortable, you won’t be afraid to fail in front of them.

    If you’re unhappy with who you are, it’s another issue. But it’s not one that is ‘unfair’ to her. It’s not something you have to change for others, only for yourself. A lack of self esteem can be for many reasons. Like if you fail often, it makes sense to start predicting that failure. If you’re awkward often, it makes sense to feel anxious in a social situation. Because inherently your chances of having a successful interaction might be lower, and it feeds itself as the awkwardness makes it harder to succeed, and then harder to feel confident. Shortest answer I can give: It does get easier if you nurture yourself with kind words, and surround yourself with people who uplift you. But it’s a habit, and a process and you may never fully get rid of that voice that pops up. But it does get easier, you just have to cut yourself some slack. You’re human, and it’s okay to fail. To be different and weird. It’s what makes you unique, I bet. Look on the bright side as much as possible. (Sorry for the book)

16. Well…yeah. You develop confidence from positive experiences which it sounds like you’re getting. Relax man. If she likes being around you and it sounds like she does you must be doing something right.

17. You sound amazing and kind. Anyone who can lose weight has awareness and incredible discipline. Anyone who wants to be better for themselves and their SO deserves it. Going to therapy is you taking steps and admitting you can’t do it alone. Things many people can’t do.

    If you keep going, I bet you’ll be thrilled with where you are this time next year or the next. Good luck on your journey!

18. Every one is a former loser at some point in their lives

19. i assume you had to ask her out, hit on her

20. Gym

21. I’m 23F, and I just got “You’re not very flirty, huh?” Which kind of hurt since I’ve worked really hard to put myself out there, and I’m far less shy than I used to be. I’m sorry I’m not flirting with you after a few mediocre texts on a dating app.

22. Yes, I had my “glow up” about a year later than you did. For what it’s worth, it took me nearly a year after I lost the weight to kick all of the negative self talk and other bad mental habits. You’re only two months as into your therapy, so it’s perfectly normal to still be struggling with those issues.

    I always recommend asking yourself the three “why’s”. Whenever you feel down about yourself, ask yourself why. That’ll lead to an answer, then ask yourself why you feel bad about *that*. That’ll lead to another answer, and then ask yourself why you feel bad about *that*.

    With luck you’ll come away with a to do list of 3-5 things that are driving your negative self image. You can address these with your therapist and with changes in your life. You’re already on the right track so just know that things will soon get better and you’ll look back on this time and be amazed that you ever felt so low.

23. yeah, i’ve been struggling with self image quite some time. It stems from bad experiences in my childhood that i’ve had to overcome. Every person is different and is suffering from their own problem but hopefully this help you aswell. These are some of the key points that worked for me.

    • You are not perfect: It’s important to accept that it’s okay to fuck up, not only okay but IMPORTANT. We humans learn from misstakes so if you havent made any misstakes you haven’t learned anything.

    • Embrace challenge or uncomfortability: Being challenged or uncomfortable is really good, when you find yourself in that state just think to yourself that you are growing and becomming stronger.

    • Respect yourself: You are your own prize, noone EVER has the right to disrespect you. If you have to cut them out of your life then so be it. When you stand up for yourself your subconcious realise you are worth self-respect.

    • Understand yourself better: We all have our own unique mental problems, taking time to reflect upon those are important, even if it’s painful and you feel vulnerable. Many people today ignore these growth periods and live with these mental issues forever, insecurities of all sorts from superiority complexes to envy. (there is alot of philosophy online that are great which i really recommend).

    •comparing yourself to others: The worst of em all but quite obvious. There is no reason for comparison cause you have your own path. Get off social media, listening to small parts of other successes wont help you improve your life. Though there is great value of listening, that should only be taking into account if the person is telling the whole story. Which online, they usually are not.

    Gaining confidence out of thin air is called ego, you dont want to feed that…To truly become more confident you need to understand yourself on a deeper level. What is your core values? Train emotional stability. Why do you react to some things strongly? Try to connect to your subconcious. Forgive yourself, for the things that are hurting you.

24. I mainly got over mine by going to the gym as this made me proud of myself. I later found out this was covering depression. But I guess my best tip would be either get a bar tending job where you talk to alot of people, Most of which you never see again and then if you are really awkward you don’t embarrass your self too much. Others would be volunteering. Once you are used to being fake nice to people for tips ect you can be more confident to people you actually like

25. You’re on the right track, keep going, keep exploring for solutions, stay curious about your story in life and the stories of others who have been on their journey. 2 months of therapy is a good start; consider how going to the gym can take a couple of years to get really solid results doing different forms (depending on your goal), likewise it’s worth considering the psychological work as a long-term investment.

    All investments are about setting yourself up for payoff later down the road, like planting crops or chopping wood, if you keep at this thing regularly and don’t give in to fear there’s no way things won’t look different 3 years from now, and different again in 5 years.

    I had a lot of self-hatred and negative self-talk in mid 20’s; and a year or two of depression in early 30’s; both times it ‘felt’ like it was all there was and all there ever would be; it wasn’t true but I probably could have remained in that place indefinitely by giving into the temptation of the lie. The second instance was a bit easier, I could recognize my negative state of mind and hold it as something separate from my sense of ‘true self’ because I knew deep down from getting through the previous experience that the internal chaos wasn’t a truthful perspective of the world or my identity, there is a small part of my self that can still choose to move toward what is good/healthy despite my feelings telling me the opposite. Small steps every day, gratitude and celebration of small wins; small investments that build upward spirals.

26. You have all the potential in the world just remember not to put your problems on your partner most especially at the beginning because it’s not their job to help you and to be frank most of not all people don’t want to hear your problems considering everyone has their own problems. But if you only care about improving it that will always be admirable

27. Well, first of all, stop referring to yourself as a “loser.”

    >with me but it’s not fair to her.

    You need to stop worrying so much about what she thinks, or what anybody thinks for that matter. That is at the root of bad self esteem. You value other’s opinion of you too highly. What do you want/need out of the relationship? Express that honestly without worrying about “making her happy.” If your needs aren’t compatible, that says nothing about who you are as a person. You may have to separate, but that is absolutely not because you are a “loser.” It’s because you weren’t compatible and there is somebody out there that will be. You’ll handle it.

28. In my teens I used to be a skinny guy, people often mocked me for it and my self confidence was basically below zero (I was also a common subject of racist jokes). No girl wanted me because I was just troubled mentally, I was pretty awkward etc. I remember feeling very bad about not being able to find a girlfriend and thinking I would never get one. I also had a bad habit of trying to be everyone’s friend, basically appeasing everyone (because I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me otherwise).

    Then, finally, I said “f*ck it” and decided to start working out in the gym and doing sports (I always wanted to do some combat sport, which my father was against, so I simply walked into a gym and started doing kickboxing). This really changed me. Not only I started shaping my body into something I didn’t have to feel bad about, but more importantly, it was something I was doing for myself, any not for anyone else. It sounds weird, but I started respecting myself more, because I finally started doing what felt right and I wasn’t doing it for anyone else, I was doing it for me.

    What followed was pretty weird. As I gained confidence, my personality kind of slingshot from trying to be everyone’s friend to “if you are my friend, you should consider it a privilege”. I even became a bit conceited and arrogant, said some things I shouldn’t have said and alienated some of my former friends. It’s fair to say that I probably started liking myself a little bit too much, so I went from one extreme to the other. Eventually, I came to terms with my “new self”, found some much needed balance and finally started gaining some healthy self confidence (which was then reflected in my partnerships and friendships…I even got some of my former friends back and I’ve now been in a happy relationship with my current partner for 8 years).

    —

    Sorry, when I started writing this, I thought it would be an inspiring story, but now I can see that it’s kind of a mess, just like my life has been. Being honest hurts sometimes, I guess. But since I already wrote it, I might as well leave it here.

29. Bro, you’re 27, you’re young as fuck. You have over 2/3rds of a life ahead of you. Secondly, you’re never too old to change. It just gets a bit harder because you’re more set in your ways and your brain is more crystalized. Thirdly, if you lack confidence it almost comes back to some childhood trauma in the form of bullying, lack of socialization, not getting certain attention etc. You have to dig back to the root of this issue and deal with it.

    Trace the issue. Do you feel unworthy of your partner? Do you feel like you shouldn’t be able to touch her?

30. I’ve been in therapy for 4 months now. It’s a slow process but I really feel like I’ve gotten a lot out of it.

31. It’s gonna be a little different for everyone in terms of exactly what they need to hear/do in order to build themselves up. It’s really awesome that you’re in therapy, because the therapist will help you figure out what those things are. I hope you recognize that you’re taking a huge step towards improving your mental health by going to therapy, so be proud of yourself! You’re also putting in effort by posting on this sub! These steps, no matter how big or small, will add up over time.

    If I may provide a personal story in order to relate to you- there are a lot of variables and nuances from my childhood that made me a really anxious person with only splinters for confidence. The stress from being in school didn’t give me any mental space to even recognize how bad I was, much less start to work on myself. After graduating college and getting a job I enjoy, the reduced amount of stress finally gave me the mental space to start unpacking all of those nuances. My advice to you is to find your main life stressors and see if there’s a way to resolve them as much as possible.

    After my big stressors had been resolved, I got angry. I was mad that I hadn’t received the support I needed from my caregivers growing up…I had to recognize that my family is riddled with generational trauma, passing down behavioral and thought patterns they didn’t even recognize were problems. It sucks, but I’m an adult now, and there’s no one to take care of me like I need except for myself. It’s easy for us to say we suck or that we hate ourselves because we made a mistake, haven’t reached a goal, or don’t know what to do. It makes sense that we do these things, because it’s a habit we’ve had for so long….so my next bit of advice is this. Imagine there’s someone in your head, someone who loves you and knows exactly what’s going on and how you’re struggling. What would you want them to say or do for you to be comforted? Say and do those things for yourself. You’re the only one that knows the depth of your pain, and if you can be your own cheerleader, it helps a lot. It takes patience and practice, but it’s worth it.

    Finally, recognize that this journey you’ve started will be difficult and never end, but it is the fighting you do for yourself that makes it rewarding. Some people grow up confident while you’ve grown up on the flip side of the coin, but this perspective of the flip side will give you so much more appreciation for the love you cultivate for yourself. Also, don’t be afraid to experiment and have fun as you grow. Find the things that bring you joy, be it a hobby or interest, a type of music, or a sense of style. There’s no authority holding you back anymore, there aren’t any rules to who you have to be and what you do (just don’t go hurting people with your actions, and you’re golden).

    I wish you luck as you go forward at your own pace. I hope you find peace through the ups and downs. I want you to remember that you’re a badass for digging yourself out. Thanks for reading!✌️

32. Got over it simply by just not giving a damn what others think and doing stuff I would normally be afraid to do. Also its better to not live by Regrets and just be yourself because life is too short.

33. 1. Stop calling your self that. You need to see your life true somebody else’s lens.

    Make a list of your qualities and achievements
    (I’m a good listener, I’m loyal and cook great pasta) achievements ( I lost X amount of weight, I save 10k in what ever time, I have a girl I love) also make a list if goals short term and long term. Take a look at this every day with an affirmation and don’t compare your self to others.
    About the intimacy: sex is about pleasure and desire just learn what is what you like the most and how to play with the 😾 and for your girl also to find out what she wants to share with you and how to rip that 🍌.
    Wish you the best.👍

34. Not at all. It only feels odd bc you are on the older side with your first relationship, you have 10 years to make up for in awkwardness. I have a teenager and she has her first boyfriend and it’s so awkward. You might really like this girl but reality is that most ppl don’t stay with their first love. You’ll have plenty of time to flex that muscle, and will improve every relationship. You are already way ahead of where you were last year.

35. Yeah it’s called internalized secure attachment.

36. I just watched this documentary by Jonah hill called stutz where they discussed the same thing.

    This former self is called a shadow. And we can’t get rid of our shadow, but only make peace with it and to love it unconditionally, as that what the shadow needed.

    I used to be medically underweight and had to force weight on to myself through weight lifting. My mentor likes to spin it to me like this: “become the person you needed when you were at your weakest”

    I too still struggle with feeling like a loser too, so it does take time, but it also takes a lot of telling your self you love yourself fully to overcome it. Tell yourself you love yourself once a day.

    Hope that helps

37. There is a lot of good advice here, but what I would encourage you to do is to get out of your head. No one cares what you are doing, thinking, or what you look like because we are all too busy being obsessed with ourselves. Lol it’s true! No one cares!
    As soon as the reality of that sets is, relax and enjoy your life. Find interests that inspire and motivate you. Take care of yourself as if you are a dear friend. Find exercise that you enjoy and do that to clear your mind and build strength.
    No one is perfect, so don’t worry about it 🙂 Decide to be a badass and fake it till you make it. What have you got to lose? 🙂

38. You don’t have to get over it but rather more comfortable with your self.

    When you feel down that’s fine as long as you are aware it’s only a moment in time.

    If you have a gf and she likes you believe what she says and remember the reasons as a way to encourage you.

39. I wasn’t 300+ pounds but the opposite—very naturally skinny. I’d get picked on and bullied, dealt with racists, you name it. Working out and adding about 40 pounds of mass (not necessarily all muscle but I was still bigger and stronger) helped me with self-confidence. Not only did women check me out or initiate conversation with me more but I also gained confidence to initiate out of self-esteem alone. And you’re not old man. I’m in my mid-30s and started that fitness progress in my early-30s. It’s worth a shot and doesn’t cost you much other than time and effort.

40. I did. I guess that going to the gym and having positive experiences changed the way I feel about myself over the years. Also having such a screwed up life that I stop giving a fuck.

41. So a couple of things here

    1. You have to respect yourself first. You as a person will always be an individual regardless of whom you are seeing or who can see you. You’re going to have to establish your self identity and then figure out what characteristics that identity exhibits. This will establish a conscious baseline of what it means to be you. Once you’ve created this image of yourself in your head you can then begin to just simply be that person. It’s important to note that this happens with yourself only though. You have to be able to do this without thinking about what someone sees you as or how they perceive your character. That will of course come with time but the main idea is to separate your identity and self worth from the opinions and views of others.

    2. She’s making observations based on, if I’m interpreting this correctly, things you’ve expressed as character flaws. She is not doing this because she is taking it personally but because she wants to help by bringing it to your attention. Do not choose to be hurt by this. These critiques are good because

    A. It’s something you’ve also thought about and it’s important to yourself and; therefore you shouldn’t feel offended by someone noticing
    Or
    B. Its not true and you should ignore it

    Obviously it’s going to be the former but that’s not a bad thing. You are going to have to remind yourself that these are also ideas and concerns that you personally have. Someone who wants to be intimate with you will also see it and bring it to your attention because they want to support you and may even help you to work through it. Working through these kinds of things does take a lot of emotional energy so don’t be ashamed if she chooses to be supportive. There’s no loss here. This leads to ultimately the 3rd point which is

    3. You have to learn to not take things personally and tell yourself “I will not be insecure about this.” I know this sounds preachy but it’s a very real and very effective practice that I myself have been doing recently. A lot of our shame and insecurities comes from self reinforcing thought loops that keep us mentally locked into a self loathing state. If we’re the only ones keeping ourselves happy then we will ultimately be the ones to keep us sad. The recognition of these intrusive and self destructive thoughts will make it easier with time to face insecurities head on by realizing that, once again, we must respect ourselves regardless of who or what is happening. You’ll have to take control of your emotions and thoughts as your own and disallow these anxieties to prevail over logic. Emotions and logic do not exist well together and it’s a very hard but necessary process to learn how to separate and choose one over the other. That’s not to say you cannot be emotional but you’ll have to consciously resist the urge to think emotionally.

    I’m no expert by any means whatsoever and just speaking from personal experience as a person who’s been on both sides. I wish you the best of luck and hope all will be well with you.

42. At some point as a little kid I must’ve realized I had zero filter and the embarrassment led to self-esteem Suicide.

    I don’t know what’s going on with you OP, but I’ve got deeper issues with small talk. Chatting with me is probably like trying to talk to a doorknob and there’s no university class for basic social skills. Feels a lot like the only way is more embarrassment through trial and error.

43. Honestly, take some acid.
    Get into inner child therapy. Talk back to your inner critic, defend yourself like you are your inner child.
    Be radically your self. If your radical self is awkward, so fucking be it!! Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong or should be changed.
    Also, if you want to take a serious approach to helping yourself, read Carl Jung. He talks about becoming a whole person, integrating our most self-hated aspects and learning to accept yourself.
    Finally, take on a growth mindset. That’s the most important thing. Being in a growth mindset accepts the past for what it is, takes the present with compassion. Be compassionate with yourself, don’t hate yourself for your mistakes, just learn from them. Best of luck to you and I hope my message helps you!

44. Bro, you got a girl. Try it. Bite the bullet and play the man. It’s gonna feel odd at first, but you’ll fall in love with the feeling over time seeing how people don’t dislike you that way but love you more instead. I’ve been there until very recently. Be active. Dance, learn fighting, play basketball, soccer, hit the gym, whatever. Try to learn an instrument. Get a car, and learn drifting. Try to fix a thing in your car by yourself. Go skydiving. Try extreme sports. Try to play with kids and understand them. Learn to entertain them. Learn to dress nicely. Wear some nice cologne. Feel that male energy. Practice talking(it’s not as hard as you just started to think it is). It won’t even feel like practicing. It’ll happen by itself. Try to feel like those main protagonists in your favorite movies. And whenever you feel happy and wanna say something but then hold it back cause women might not like it, fucking say that. And even if they think it was awkward, look FUCKING CONFIDENT after it. Then it will have zero impact on your attitude and confidence. They’ll get over it just after a sec. Whichever one fits your taste, do it. NEVER RUN AFTER A WOMAN THAT DISRESPECTS YOU, DOESN’T WANT YOU, AND TELLS YOU TO GO AWAY(UNLESS YOU HAVE A HISTORY THAT’S WORTH IT). YOU HAVE 4 BILLION GIRLS LEFT TO MAKE THEM REGRET THE DECISION WITH. Give it a try. And you’ll figure it out eventually.