I (19F) was invited for a family dinner at my (23M) boyfriend’s house.
Everything was great and I get along with his family really well, they’re very kind to me.
After the dinner we were all sitting in the living room watching TV, it was just me, my boyfriend, his parents and his younger brother (20M).
At some point his brother gets up and goes to his room and returns with a shoe box, it wasn’t wrapped and apparently nobody knew about this because they asked what’s going on.
He said it’s for me and handed me the box, it was shoes/sneakers that I mentioned a while ago. He has the same ones and I said they look cool, so he decided to buy them for me as a gift.
I didn’t really know what to think but I was really appreciative of the gesture and thanked him several times, they go for about $200 currently and I really felt he shouldn’t have spent that money on this, but regardless what’s done is done and I wasn’t going to cause a scene in front of everyone. His parents seemed to have found it amusing as well and the only one who was upset was my boyfriend.
Later when we were going home I realised he’s being quiet which is unusual for him. I asked what’s wrong and he went on a rant saying that I shouldn’t have accepted the shoes, that it’s weird he bought me the same shoes he has, he also said he’s quite sure the brother likes me for a while already and that’s why he did it. I tried my best to diffuse the situation and I said we can all talk about it together this weekend when we see eachother again, but he wants to cancel the Christmas dinner we are supposed to have with his family over this.
To be honest, sure it’s a bit unusual that he decided to get me an unprompted gift (he said it’s not a Christmas gift), and if he really felt he had to get them, he probably should’ve chosen a different colour or something just so it doesn’t look as odd as it does, but then again he probably went off of my comment that his shoes are cool which I made couple months ago and wanted to do something nice since we’re kind of family at this point.
My boyfriend still insists his brother has ulterior motives and that I’m enabling it, it’s getting really annoying. I feel that he’s blaming me for something his brother decided to do.
I even said I’ll return the damn gift if it’ll make him happy, which I honestly don’t really want to do. Not because of the shoes themselves but I feel that the parents and brother might see it as me being ungrateful or not appreciating the gesture.
I told him the two of them should also speak about this in private and discuss boundaries because he obviously has a problem with his behaviour and he should tell him that himself and not use me as a middleman.
We’ve been arguing over this for two days already, since the dinner. And his words just get worse and way hurtful every time, last night he told me to go be with his brother instead after I said I honestly don’t see why he’s (my boyfriend) acting the way he is. He won’t speak to me now and I’m really confused.
TLDR: My boyfriend is mad because his brother gifted me shoes.
41 comments
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I’m on of those people who likes to spoil people I care about. If my boyfriends sister told me “thats a really pretty dress” I would probably buy one or one very similar to it for her, cuz my love language is gifts. I totally understand the brother. Sounds like your boyfriend is insecure. Maybe feels like his “manhood” was bruised cuz another man, brother or not, listened to you and took it a step further than he would have done himself. I hope that makes sense, English is not my mother language sorry. I think the healthiest way to deal with this situation is to calmly discuss and figure out what’s REALLY bothering him. But also you might be able to help by ensuring him that even though the brother brought you a gift, its the other brother you have a love interest in and not all the cool sneakers in the world can change that, only his behavior can change that.
You must have noticed that your brother is interested in you, there are not many people around you.
He will buy shoes for your brother’s girlfriend with him.
you can make excuses but it’s weird and you don’t accept it
I wouldn’t be surprised if you broke up with your boyfriend and went out with his brother.
Yeah, dont accept gifts from people who have crushes on you.
If your boyfriend has suspected his brother of having a crush on you and then him giving you 200 quid shoes and not even as a Christmas present? Yeah that’s defo weird. I probably wouldn’t have said you shouldn’t accept it but I would definitely be having a talk with the brother if I was him, however I understand also him being hesitant to do so, because it could damage the entire family
Kept us updated
Ask your bf about his history with his brother. Who knows, his brother might enjoy trying take away your bf’s girlfriends. Assuming he has done sth like this in the past and later it has turned into an affair I would understand his anxiety.
Needles to say whatever his real reasoning is he should communicate it properly to you. If there was such (or similar) history between them are you fine with returning this gift and rejecting his actions going forward?
Listen, you are not completely wrong here. You did nothing wrong and i agree, your boyfriend should talk to his brother and discuss this with him and not with you because you did nothing wrong. But i have to say i also think that his brother is into you so your boyfriend should talk to him. Don’t think that his brother was just „nice“ thats not the case here, don’t downplay that, he is into you.
While I understand your bf being upset, his treatment of you is unacceptable. This is major 🚩🚩🚩.
This sounds like a BF and brother issue. There are clearly dynamics at play that outdate your relationship if your BF reacted this strongly.
You should give your BF the shoes and tell him to deal with it. If he wants to confront brother and return the shoes it’s up to him but just tell him you are removing yourself from this situation.
Sidenote: I find it very odd that the brother didn’t just say it was a Christmas gift. That def elevated the awkwardness.
The amount of comments just ignoring that her bf is become increasingly verbally abusive to op and blaming her for a situation she had no control over is incredibly depressing
I’m kinda on your BFs side on this one. It’s definitely weird and I understand why he doesn’t want to deal with it over a family situation during the holidays. I think you should give the shoes to your boyfriend and let him deal with it however he thinks best. It’s his brother after all.
I agree with you OP. If he feels uncomfortable with it, he should take it up with his brother not you. What does he expect you to do, it was just as unexpected for you as it was for everyone else. You don’t deserve to be treated like you are cheating/enabling the brother. He shouldn’t be punishing you for this, like because you didn’t want to be rude you’re now untrustworthy. This is should be sorted out between them, don’t get involved, don’t start acting differently(cold) towards the brother on his behalf, maybe establish distance/boundaries between you and the brother if you feel like he is into you but yeah, this isn’t your fault so just carry on as usual. Don’t tolerate this behavior either.
This literally has nothing to do with you and your dumbass boyfriend is throwing a little tantrum that you were suppose to reject the gift? Why and how? Any rejection would have made you look like a bitch in front of the whole family.
The only reasonable thing that can happen if your boyfriend is truly concerned that his brother has some suspect motives is for **them** to sit down and discuss what the boundaries here need to be.
So, I don’t think BF is wrong that this was an odd gift, and maybe his brother is making a move. However, he needs to lead that conversation, and talk to his brother himself. You can’t be a buffer between him and family drama. That’s his business that he needs to handle.
In short, don’t return the shoes. Give them to your BF, and have HIM return them, if that’s what’s going to happen. His problem should be with his brother, and vice versa, not you.
Maybe your bf is worried you’ll go for your brother since he’s closer in age to you.
Idk it’s not weird to get gifts from your partners relatives. It is weird to get mad at your GF for being polite.
He has completely misplaced his anger here. If he needs to be having this conversation with anyone, it’s with his brother. If any lines were crossed, it wasn’t your doing.
Your boyfriend is acting weirder than his brother is. I don’t know where the idea that people don’t buy other people presents outside of birthdays and christmas comes from, but that isn’t my experience.
You need to communicate with your boyfriend where this is all coming from, to determine if he is just super insecure or there is a reason.
Then either he or you should give the shoes back, with an explanation that isn’t, “You are a weirdo for doing this.”
I’d make him do it. It’s better for him to deal with his own problems. You didn’t do anything wrong and you weren’t offended.
Yea, it’s weird. Return the shoes.
Take him up on the offer, his brother sounds nicer
It’s definitely weird, but I don’t think you did anything wrong. I would have felt really awkward about denying the gift in front of his whole family. You didn’t have time to gauge the situation yet, so could have potentially upset his family by denying it. You can still give the gift back next time you see him and just say you don’t feel comfortable accepting the gift because x, y, z.
He needs to check his brother, it has nothing to do with you.
What the brother did was completely innapropriate, and yet your boyfriend is mad *at you*?
Just gonna say the brothers plan seemed to have worked, he has a crush on you, gave you an expensive gift hoping it would cause a fight and break you and your bf apart, probably knowing your bf would react like this, getting you two into a fight, brother then tries to console you at christmas dinner making him look better to you, then you dump your bf, brother makes his move and you see him as someone caring who buys you expensive gifts, their for consider going out with him because hes the “nice brother” and he gets what he wanted.
Tell your boyfriend that if he’s so upset then he needs to grow some balls and talk to HIS brother to solve this issue. His brother could’ve actually been doing something nice and got you the shoes but we won’t know because your BF is so immature. Like I understand he’s upset but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you this way, You need to tell him that HE needs to apologize to you and talk to his brother to find out what’s going on. He’s too grown to be acting like a middle school child.
Also, yeah he is your boyfriend but like I said upset or not he has NO RIGHT to be DISRESPECTFUL to you and you need to stand up for yourself. I don’t like arguing but I’ll be DAMN if I let someone talk to me like that.
I’m so confused. How the hell is this on you? Like if he thinks his brother has a crush on you why didn’t he say something sooner? How come he hasn’t said anything to him? I see lots of comments saying you should do X or Y. None mentioning how screwed up it is that your bf is treating you like shit for something you didn’t do. You did nothing wrong. Your bf is acting crazy as hell and if I was you I would be rethinking my relationship. If a coworker does something for you unprompted is your bf gonna be mad at you and blow up? He’s treating you like shit for something his brother did. Stay safe, and make sure you stand up for yourself.
My take is your BF needs to settle this with his brother and not you. You need to stop being so naive and realize that your you BF’s brother just chucked a live grenade into not only your relationship but his family’s as well. But above all else you BF’s brother really needs to back the fuck off. There is a clear difference between a nice gesture and an expensive gift meant to woo his brother’s girlfriend. Do your bf a favor and put some really good boundaries between his brother and yourself because there is definitely more going on here than you know.
His brother wants you, that’s clear. He bought you an expensive gift because he likes you. He wouldn’t do it if he wasn’t sexually attracted to you. Your boyfriend’s reaction shows that he is very jealous. You need to decide what you want to do, maybe his brother is the better choice after all. Your decision to keep the shoes will be considered by him as a betrayal, which very well can end your relationship, when he comes to the conclusion, that he couldn’t trust you.
Tell the brother to fuck off, tell your bf to grow a set of nuts and be a man and talk to his brother and sort the shit out simple as
$200?! I can’t even afford $200 to buy something for myself. It’s definitely very weird no matter what.
But it’s something that your bf and his brother need to talk about, not you. You can’t be stuck between a tense and weird relationship between them.
TBH the brother sounds like the better catch.
He should definitely talk to his brother. Return the shoes though. It’s either your boyfriend or his brother. Passively enjoying both while one is upset is wrong.
Yeah you are way too young and naive. Brother wants to get into your pants, that’s clear. Your boyfriend is right, you should return the shoes. That was inappropriate if his brother and parents. Your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone and discuss it with his brother and parents.
You acted appropriately, turning down the gift would have been awkward and rude.
Your bf is very insecure, but his brother probably is crushing on you.
Tell the brother privately that you feel embarrassed to accept such an expensive gift, and return it.
Then tell your bf to grow up.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. Some people are gifters. I give people things all the time! Like if a friend says she likes something I’m wearing I frequently buy one for them but maybe sometimes like a different color or something. Some people are just like that. And even if it’s some kind of unrequited crush or something, I still think it’s on to accept the gift. It would be way weirder to refuse in front of everyone, and awkward. If your boyfriend is going to be upset at anyone it should be at his brother, not you.
I agree with what everyone else is saying.
1) You didn’t do anything wrong accepting the gift. Rejecting it would have been hella rude and could have caused a scene.
2) without more context, it might be weird that he gave you such an expensive gift. But if he has a lot of money and is the type of person who enjoys giving gifts, it might not be that weird?
3) MOST IMPORTANTLY! This is between the brothers. Unless you have done something to lead him on (accepting the shoes in front of everyone absolutely does not count), this is not your problem to deal with. Give the shoes to your boyfriend and tell him to deal with it.
Why can’t you just take his word on his brother’s motives and give them back? I don’t understand what’s so difficult.
Sounds like your bf isnt mad at you, hes mad at his brother. Hes jealous and honestly i kind of would be too. Let him cool down but try to push him to talk to his brother. Boundaries are really important, especially in situations like these. Have him make it clear that doing bf things with his gf isnt okay to him and that he’d like it if you and his brother are friends and thats it
Let’s be fair, imagine your 23 year old sister got him an expensive gift randomly… Would you be a little upset?
>I told him the two of them should also speak about this in private and discuss boundaries because he obviously has a problem with his behaviour and he should tell him that himself and not use me as a middleman.
You are absolutely correct. This sounds like an issue between your BF and his brother, and to be honest your boyfriend is handling it far more immaturely than the brother did. Best case scenario it’s just a well-intentioned but slightly awkward gift, worst case scenario he has a crush on you. In either case there’s no reason for your boyfriend to get angry with YOU, because whether or not his brother has a crush on you is A) not within your control, B) not your fault, and C) ultimately not important unless your boyfriend doesn’t trust **you** to be faithful. Random people can have crushes on you all day long, it doesn’t impact your boyfriend unless he thinks you’re going to act on it.
Frankly I’d be pretty insulted by his continued sulking towards you, because it basically implies that he thinks you would cheat on him if given the opportunity. Maybe it’s time to remind him that he’s implying that and it’s starting to piss **you** off.
My gut tells me that your bf is right about his brother trying to be sneaky and stuff, but he’s going for it in the stupidest way possible. He shouldn’t blame you, and if he does, then he might feel quite strong about it. And there may be a reason for those feelings, somewhere in the past, and he just hasn’t shared that with you.