Growing up, I was a very social kid. Due to my dads job, my family moved to a new country every 3 years or so, and so I ended up making friends all over the world. I was very happy during my school years, although it did take some time getting used to leaving my friends behind and starting new every time we moved to a new place.

In 2016, I moved from Singapore to Canada to pursue my engineering degree. During this time, I became very depressed — I was struggling with being able to keep up with my program (the class averages were around C, and I was struggling to get Ds). I also faced a lot of difficulties as I was not used to Canadian winters (walking around in -10 to -20 C since I didn’t have a car) — so I pretty much stayed home for most of the year.

I met some potential friends in first and second year, but ended up not hanging out with them outside of classes due to the depression/anxiety/lack of motivation (which I regret), so they naturally stopped inviting me to things, and we drifted apart.

5 years later, I’ve graduated and have a decent job now. I’m feeling much happier due to my improved financial situation and the academic burden being removed from my shoulders, but i’ve never felt lonelier. I received medication for depression as well, and feel very bad about neglecting my friendships and social life while in college.

My workplace is full of 30+ year olds, so as a new grad there isn’t really an opportunity to make friends at work. I tried reconnecting with 2-3 of my classmates from engineering, but I found myself being very socially awkward and struggling to say anything since I hadn’t met them in so long, and didn’t know how to connect with them again.

The loneliness is killing me. I feel bad for being so boring to be around now, when I used to be a social butterfly in school. I’m in Toronto (Canada), and it feels like everyone already has a close knit group of friends that they grew up with, and i’m having trouble finding ways to meet people. My family lives on the other side of the world, so I’m spending the christmas holidays alone 🙁

My boyfriend lives with me and I tried asking him if I could meet his friends, but he said it’s all coworkers so it’ll be weird to include me when no one else brings their SOs to these hangouts. He generally isn’t open to sharing friends, and would judge me if I shared these feelings of loneliness with him.

Please help me find ways to meet friends and be funny/interesting again, I really miss having a friend group — I never imagined I would be so deeply unhappy and alone as an adult.

8 comments

  1. I also tried to reconnect with a group of friends that I felt close to in my very first semester of college. I invited myself 2-3 times and was added to their group chat, but I found out that they’ve been hanging out without me, and have a separate group chat where they laugh at me for being a loner 🙁

    I’ve also had 3 surgeries during my college days, and was bedridden for a lot of it. I also had frequent migraines, and would have to leave social events or classes because lights/sounds made me puke. The health issues have resolved now, but I can’t undo all the times I didn’t go to an event because I was worried of making a bad impression or being boring due to my depression… i’m so sorry for ranting but i’ve been trying to ignore these feelings for months and it’s getting impossible to do so

  2. Do you have enough free time to pick up a hobby of some sort? I’ve found that the only new friendship’s i’ve really made since finishing school have been through similar interest activities, like yoga classes and such.

  4. As weird as it sounds, I’m happy to see this post, I relate a lot 🙂
    I heavily tried to upgrade my social skills since some 5 years and it pays of soooo much.

    Now, of course there’s no way around just chatting with people, but for me that’s not easy, not with strangers.

    What really really helped me though, was the book “how to win friends and influence people”. It sounds so manipulative, but really it’s just like the rulebook I felt everyone but me knew. It just teaches you how to hold interesting and pleasent conversations 🙂

  5. Agree with Hobbies. There are bound to be interest groups in your area – hiking, pottery, whatever. Try a few, people tend to be there for the same reasons you are and will typically be welcoming. Being social isn’t a ‘skill’ as such, it’s a mindset as much as anything. When you start to feel more comfortable in an environment you’ll find yourself more open (which will take time, but will get easier). Good luck!

  6. You can always put in some time for a hobby, there’s probably a group out there for it. Or even take a fitness or dance class. I’m the kind of person that finds it easy to make friends (keeping them is different LOL). Just going outside your comfort zone and taking the time to say “Hi” to people is a good way to start a friendship over time.

    Or you can get a dog. You meet so many people through your canine companion.

  7. Volunteering might be another avenue for you. There are lots of agencies and organizations needing volunteers. If you can find something that suits your interests all the better. It doesn’t have to be full time and it can possibly be quite rewarding. Good luck.

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